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Pregnant with DC2 and not happy

(32 Posts)
redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 09:20:21

Bascially, I have just found out I am pregnant following a drunken "what will be will be" moment. DH and I been talking about a second baby and I was feeling as if I wanted another child. DS is almost two.

DH is happy but now it is real I am not. All I can think about are the realities and practicalities and I have no idea how I will cope. I am not a naturally maternal person and really struggled with DS's babyhood.

We were able to have time to ourselves as my Mum and MIL helped alot, but I don't think they would have two on their own (DH and I both only children so parents have no idea what to do with two DC either!)

I now really wish this had not happened feel trapped by the whole thing!

Thank you for letting me moan - I have not felt up to telling DH yet as I think I would get too upset!

HumphreyPillow Sun 10-Aug-08 09:23:10

Change can be very scary.
How old is your DS?
smile

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 09:26:34

He is 2 next month so would be about two and a half when new baby is born.

Change is scary, but this seems more scary then with DS

God - I sound like a whinger - I am not normally I promise

dizzydixies Sun 10-Aug-08 09:26:54

oh am so sorry you're in such turmoil over this

my sil didn't enjoy her ds at all and announced she was never having any more children - I respected the fact that she was completely open and honest about it all - she has since fallen in love with all our girls and keeps wishing that she'd had another

I'm not saying that this will happen to you but please consider the fact that each baby is completely different and you'll not be new to this - you can address all your fears and worries before baby arrives so you're ready for them

also your ds will be nearly 3 which is a great age - will he be eligible for some nursery time which could give you some time with baby?

lou031205 Sun 10-Aug-08 09:29:50

redorwhite - what you are feeling is completely normal, even if you had been trying for DC2 for months! It is the no going back feeling, and it is scary. You will be feeling torn between your loyalties for DS1, and wondering if you could love two babies. It does get better.

I felt similarly when pregnant with DD2, and am now pregnant with DC3.

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 09:31:23

He goes 3 days a week at the moment whilst I am in work so we would probably try and keep that up which would be good.

I keep telling myself people cope and so will I and I do think the lack of "role model" is also an issue as one child is the norm in both our families.

Seuss Sun 10-Aug-08 10:22:26

I remember feeling like this with ds2 and ds3 (a def. what will be will be baby!. I kept stressing about how we were ever going to get to school/shop/dressed in the morning but when the reality came it just sort of happened. Just because your mum and mil might not want to take both children off your hands they could still take your eldest for a couple of hours whilst baby sleeps and perhaps they will rise to the challenge of having both anyway. There are ways around most things!

I agree the 'no going back feeling' is quite overwhelming but try not to panic about everything. Good luck - it does get better!

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 18:48:27

I have been thinking about this all day. Went shopping as DH and DS are at MIL's. Realised that would all come to an end.

I went to look at the baby stuff to try and jolt me into feeling like I am having a baby but I just feel numb and scared.

I do not want this baby

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 18:54:53

redorwhite I am going to copy and paste a thread I started a few weeks ago the day I first found out I was pregnant with DC3.

here

I even went to the GP the following Monday to request an abortion.

But do you know what, I thought about it and realised that it what was meant to be.

I am sure you too may come to this conclusion if you give it a little time to sink in. Just imagine how lovely it will be to give your DS a sibling. Your second child is (usually!) so much easier than your first because you have done it all before, they just have to fit in with your life as well.

Best wishes to you and as I said, just give it a bit of time. It is a huge shock to you and if you start to convince yourself you don't want it, you won't want it.

Some things are meant to be.

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 18:59:36

Your life doesn't have to end because you have another child. Your Mum and MIL will be just as eager to help you with DC2, in fact my mum does more for DD2 than she did for DD1!

RhinestoneCowgirl Sun 10-Aug-08 19:02:23

redorwhite - I am pg with a 'planned' second child (in as much as these things are ever planned). Whilst mostly happy about this I also sometimes have similar thoughts to you, along the lines of how I will cope, the fact that I won't be able to afford 2 lots of childcare until DS goes to school, so looking at a longer break from work etc.

I think it is perfectly normal to fear change, especially when your family dymnamic seems to be working well for you at the moment.

MsDemeanor Sun 10-Aug-08 19:03:59

I think it's really normal and quite usual to feel a huge panic when you find out you are pregnant - even if it is planned. It's the 'no going back' quality of it that is so scary. I felt so panicked with my (absolutely longed for) kids that I even looked up abortion services. I think it might also have something to do the very weird hormonal changes at the start of pregnancy. MY two little ones have been with my mum all day and we've been to lunch with the oldest. It's really so lovely to have more children. This morning my ds (7) said, I love my little sister for two reasons. First, she is so funny, and secondly, I just love her face.
There are lots of moments like that.

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 19:07:05

MsDemeanor that gives me hope that having 3 children doesn't end your life! I think it helps to have a support network around you and redorwhite seems to have that so fingers crossed, she will come round to the idea.

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 19:09:29

PG - Thanks for the link - I don't think an abortion is on the cards for me either really mainly due to DH

I have tried to convince myself that it is short term pain long term gain and DS will have a sibling which will be great for him (even if he doesn't think so at first!)

I suppose having thought about why I had started to think about another baby it was all due to giving DS a sbiling so he wasn't the spoilt only child of two only children.

I never thought about the fact I would have to be pregnant and have another baby IYSWIM

bubblagirl Sun 10-Aug-08 19:15:15

my friend was just the same with her 2nd child wouldnt bond all way through preganacy really unsure whether this was really what she wanted even just after birth the same then one day about week later was the best thing since sliced bread loved it

it was all unexpected for her too and small age gap between well just over ayr but all is well she did begin to enjoy the pregnancy but then was worried again how she would cope but she is doing so good and loves it

good luck its probably shock and reality of change but think of it as a good one not a bad one x

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 19:17:03

redorwhite, I still have my moments of panic about having 3 children, especially with only a 17 month gap between DD2 and DC3. I think you always think you can only love 1 child, I used to worry when pregnant with DD2 that I wouldn't love her the same as DD1! Do you know what, I bonded with her far quicker than I did DD1 because I knew what it was all about. It was an anti-climax having DD1, I expected fireworks to happen when she was born, which didn't. I loved her immediately but it took me a long time to accept I was a mother and had to look after this defenceless little baby.

You will be fine. How many weeks do you think you are?

elmoandella Sun 10-Aug-08 19:17:52

i was swaying towards having an abortion when pg with dc2.

but i know for sure dp could never live with me if i did.

i was also very pissed off when he started telling people. i wasn't ready at all, and still really shocked.

there's 15 months between my dc. they refuse to be seperated now (1yo and 2.6 y o), but fight like cat and dog.

but it's the small things that make it worth while. they always share food with each other. and tell each other when they find a bug.

but i have my days where i could run away and join the circus.

blush

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 19:23:28

I am hoping all will be fine - people cope with far more.

Thank you for your advice - I dread telling my Mum. She has told me many times she thinks we should stick at DS

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 19:25:45

Your Mum probably worries about you hence saying you should stick to just your DS. She will secretly be over the moon though.

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 19:25:47

I think I am about 5 weeks. Am v regular so tested early.

redorwhite Sun 10-Aug-08 19:30:54

I know Mum will support me and help out. She lives a short plane journey away so it is concentrated help which is good and bad I suppose (she does visit on a very regular basis!)

DH and DS will be home soon so will have to pull myself together! Oh to have a bottle glass of wine!

pgwithnumber3 Sun 10-Aug-08 19:35:47

Have a glass of wine, it won't do any harm. Especially if it makes you feel better.

CalmCalmCalm Sun 10-Aug-08 20:55:54

Another "me too". Like you, DH and I are both only children and we decided to have another for my DD. I pretty much hated every second of my pregnancy and was wondering how I would ever cope with two. Like everyone has been saying, DD2 has been a doddle compared to DD1. Not only is she a much easier baby, but I am so much more confident as a mother. Like you, I am not a natural mother and I don't particularly like babies but I am enjoying the DD2's baby days so much more than DD1's. My DD2 will be 6mths next week and I can't believe how quickly it has gone by. She's now becoming her own little person, the grim (from my POV) newborn days are long gone and soon she'll be a toddler - and the perfect companion for her big sister (letting me off the hook a bit to have the occasional cup of tea in peace!).

baltimore97 Sun 10-Aug-08 21:13:32

I got pregnant with DD2 by accident. DD1 was 14mths at the time. DH and I hadn't really talked about having a second at all, but we both agreed we didn't want DD1 to be an only child. However, DD1 was a v. difficult baby, I had mild PND and I didn't bond with her till she was 6mths at least, so the thought of another baby so soon filled me with dread too. My mother also told me recently that she never expected me to have children as she thought me so unmaternal!!

I was pretty dismayed to be pregnant with DD2 and really dreaded the first few months of her babyhood. However, she is a TOTALLY different baby to DD1 - smiley, chilled, a pretty good sleeper and really just a delight. She is now almost 4mths old, and like Calm, I too can't believe that the "baby" period has gone so fast.

My mantra of the early days for DD2 was "this is the last time I have to do this" (we are not planning on any more). And it is much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you've been through it before.

elmoandella Sun 10-Aug-08 21:40:45

calm - you get less cups of tea with 2. lol i want the days back where i would be guaranteed one of them would be in same spot as where i left them.

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