No to toys that you don't like or yes so that your DC fits in?(67 Posts)
DD is 2 so I'm abit ahead of myself, but a friend and I were discussing this the other day and I wondered what others thought. As an example, I don't like Bratz dolls, I don't like the whole image they present and I think they are rather tarty and tacky. However, I'm aware that they are very popular. On one hand I want to tell my DD that she can never ever have a Bratz doll and the reasons why (when she is older of course!). However, I'm not thick and I know that if they are popular she would probably be exposed to them through her friends and may experience a certain amount of peer pressure to have Bratz stuff and I wouldn't want her to feel out of place amongst her friends. I know that there is nothing wrong with being different but don't I want to force it on her IYSWIM so I might let her have some Bratz in that instance. So what route would you choose?
I don't allow my kids to have anything I don't want them to have and just say no. I am not interested in other people negatively influencing my children's lives.
But by saying no are you actually removing that negative influence or just making it more appealing or not actually making any difference at all if your DCs play with those toys at their friends houses? However, I suppose that also sounds like a bit of a cop out, like you can't say no to anything because it won't make a difference anyway.
I say no and they know that is it.
They don't go to friends houses to play.
Ok, I can see in your case why it is easier for you to control the situation if they are not playing at friends houses. My DD does play at friend's houses, so I'm wondering what others think about the influence of peer pressure.
I always said no to guns with DS1 and he just made them out of Duplo etc - DS2 & 3 now have hoards of toy guns, and I still don't like it. It wasn't a case of peer pressure, just bowing to what I felt was inevitable.
I have given in to peer pressure many times re the "collectable" type stuff - Pokemon cards, Dr Who cards, those Crazy Bone things, and while I hate them all I have to accept they give the DCs pleasure. Bratz, though, are in a league all of their own in terms of unpleasantness - think I would have had to stand firm on that one .
"They don't go to friends houses to play."
What's the reasoning there then?
DS (5) has often expressed admiration/envy for toys I don't like when it is not nearly his birthday or Christmas.
But when it comes to it, when we ask what he would like us to buy him/Father Christmas to bring, he has so far forgotten them. (For his 5th birthday he asked for a blue musical jewellery box!)
When he starts remembering, I will start buying them if within budget. I don't see why he shouldn't have a say for his birthday.
I have said no to crappily made toys that will break before you get home because he gets them from time to time through 'hook a duck' and on magazine covers for him to figure out(albeit very gradually) that they are badly made rubbish.
Thank heavens my dd says "I don't like Bratz dolls, they look ridiculous!" If she wanted one i'm not sure what I'd do tbh.
I will say though that one of my mum's most infuriating phrases when we were growing up about stuff like this "But mum, so-and-so does it, so-and-so has it," was "Well, that's them - not us - we don't." (The biggie was, we grew up with no TV. I am so, so happy now that dd has a tv !)
BUT As an adult now, I really appreciate the lesson I learnt from that. As a teenager fitting in was really important to me, i wanted to conform, and was quite susceptible to peer pressure. I think the lesson I learnt from my mum was that it is OK to be different, and as a result I now couldn't give a damn. If my mum had bent to conformity, I might not have learnt that lesson so well and still doubt myself too much.
Don't get me wrong, i am perfectly happy for dd to have interests/enjoyments that I myself don't relate to- i don't want to create a carbon copy of myself (god forbid! ), but when it comes to principles & things that are important to us as a family, there's nothing wrong with standing my ground. (One example is we don't have pudding here at mealtimes, it creates FAR too much trouble!)
Hope that makes sense.
"They don't go to friends houses to play." maybe not at the moment (presuming your dc are still quite young) but that won't last for ever. And even if they don't go to friends' houses to play they will talk to friends and if all friends have particular crazes, ie brats/barby/cards/stickers/guns/<<insert craze of choice>> then that is something they won't be able to participate in.
I personally don't think that because a child likes a toy it is necessarily down to peer pressure. Children are perfectly capable of deciding what toys they do/don't like for themselves, and IMO we as parents need to bring them up to be aware and to make those decissions for themselves, rather than forcing our own beliefs on to them.
I personally don't like power rangers. I find the whole programmes violent and horrible and I would rather my ds didn't play with them. And while I wouldn't buy them for him just because I wanted him to fit in, if he genuinely started to decide that he liked them and genuinely wanted them I think that should be his decision to make, not mine. The toys are deemed age appropriate, so I think he should be allowed to think for himself on that score.
Thanks for all the replies so far, they are really interesting.
just to add, I certainly agree that there are instances where it's appropriate to say no to children, for eg my ds will never be allowed a television in his bedroom, but he still has access to television at home, so it's not as if it's a blanket ban on television (although god knows I wish I could ).
But when it comes to things like toys I think that we could explain our opposition to them and allow children to make up their own minds.
They don't go to freiends houses? How bizarre and how sad, doubt that they have willingly chosen a hermetic lifestyle themselves.
I have bought my son match attack cards and the like to take in to school to swap.
I am not naive, I know they will be influenced by other children but that doesn't mean I have to buy things I don't want to buy. I say no to them.
Theo don't go to friends houses as I have no friends to invite them, they have friends at school but the mother's are not my friends. They have had friends here a couple of times to play.
Thanks for your helpful comment bamboostalks.
Goes off to clean as no doubt this will be another thread where I have expressed what happens in our life and others deem it wrong.
For me it depends on the reason for not liking the toy...I hate plastic stuff (mostly because it wrecks the environment) but do allow ds to have some which I think he will A. get a lot of use from or B. will be able to passed to someone to get a lot of use from rather than go to landfill. I also don't "monitor" what other people give him as gifts so even though we don't buy guns for him if he was to get one for a present we wouldn't take it off him or anything. I really don't like the one hit wonders....you know the toys that are all the rage for the season then fizzle out because they are a bit naff after all and do try to get ds to think about why he wants something in particular.
I ain't deeming it wrong, just outside my idea of what's usual. And yes it does also strike me as a little sad - but if you're happy with it, that's obviously irrelevant.
I think it depends just how much you object to the toy in question - if you totally and utterly disapprove of it and everything it stands for, then no you shouldn't buy it.
But if you'd just rather they weren't into that sort of thing, wish they weren't influenced by garbage TV shows etc, then I think there's room to compromise and buy it, if that's what they really want.
I didn't want my DS to have an Action Man when he was 3. By 4 all his friends had them, and he got one - but I made sure it was one that the gun wasn't permanently attached, so he could go camping etc as well as shooting people!
I don't think the bratz thing will ever be an issue with mine as they are boys, but you never know...
I did ask ds1 if he wanted one of those girls world styling heads the other day because he likes doing my hair. My mum looked at me like I was mad. He said no anyway.
He did want the hairdryer and hairbands set though, and a pink pony.
Anyway, in answer to your question, they can have the toys they want as long as I can afford them.
DD has two bratz dolls , my mom bought one and she had another for her birthday - while they are horrible (though I did covet the furry winter boots one wore) she has hardly played with them and they are discarded in her room and at some point soon will be taken to the charity shop.
however ........ i do think if i had banned her from them she would possibly have wanted them more and more and more and increased their attractiveness.
she is only 5 and a lot of her friends love high school musical, so i found her some clips on youtube so she knew the songs but she has not watched the film and i like that compromise.
RE Bratz, I think they totally suck. But if they wanted them (a bit young at moe - 2.1 and 0.8) I'd probably cave, but only if I saw 'em at a car boot or charity shop. I would also fully expect them to remain unplayed with.
I don't get this excitement over high school musical. Is it because I'm getting old?
Mine are too little at the moment to appreciate that kind of stuff anyway. I must admit though, I would love to watch Enchanted, that looks quite good. I also like watching some of their dvd's, like Bee Movie, Ratatouille, shaun the sheep (thanks MN), and I even found myself laughing at the little princess the other day.
I think I would have loved Bratz when I was a little girl. I had loads of Barbie dolls, and I still get a little pang when I see them now.
I've just realised my post is sort of irrelevant to this thread, my post was more to do with stuff we wanted to do, or the bigger things like a TV or a dog!
Lazarou - charlie & lola - fantastic. everything to do with them.
I can't wait to see Wall-E with dd. I am so excited that she's coming to the age that we can really genuinely enjoy the same films together!
Actually I think that was missing from my childhood a bit, a real engagement from my parents in what we were interested in. Not that we'd have wanted them to intrude on our kiddy time, but it would have been nice to have a reaction other than <sigh> <grunt> <roll of eyes> <load of nonsense>. They were too adult! I guess that's better than an forced, fake interest though! I'm always honest with dd about what I like & don't like about her stuff.
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