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Please help me persuade my DH that is it NOT good to leave dd to cry?

(58 Posts)
Caz10 Thu 07-Aug-08 19:37:20

Well not cry cry, but...

I believe based on the very little that I've read that going to dd (8mths) when she is unhappy/needing something/whatever is the best way to build her eventual confidence and self esteem. The problem is I am not very good at explaining this to DH, and he just doesn't get it.

He keeps saying that she needs to learn that she won't be pandered to etc. sad

a silly eg - after he'd fed her the other day he left her in her highchair while he cleared up. She was obviously bored/uncomfortable/whatever so started moaning/crying a little. I would at this point normally lift her and just put her somewhere else eg on the rug with some toys (she's v happy to play independently for a good wee while) and THEN got on with the cleaning up. He thinks she should just wait and not rush to her etc angry. He is going to be doing a good part of the childcare and I REALLY don't want this happening a lot.

Could anyone help by posting a link or even just a succinct explanation of why I'm right?! grin

Or am I wrong?? Am I being very very PFBy here?

LynseyKCalvert Thu 07-Aug-08 20:10:24

I would look up some some psychology studies about Bowlby's Theory of Attachment. It is a theory that is well researched and relied on in child psychology.

Basically a child needs to form a strong attachment with their primary caregiver(s) in order to develop a sense of security and eventually independence. "Pandering" to her needs (even the need for attention) now will in the long run bolster her confidence and create a happy healthy person.

TheCrackFox Thu 07-Aug-08 20:28:31

I would just tell him to shut his trap. Sorry, I'm not being very helpful.

Caz10 Thu 07-Aug-08 20:43:07

I have done, don't worry! And he never does it when i'm around, but there have been times like in the mornings when he's letting me sleep in that I hear it going on when he thinks i'm asleep sad

thisisyesterday Thu 07-Aug-08 20:48:12

tell him that what he is doing is trying to teach her that when she is upset or needs something that no-one will bother coming.

children who are left to cry don't learn that they aren't getting their own way, or whatever else people spout. the reason they stop crying is because they know there is no point (think romanian orphans here)

a child that is "pandered" to, a child that knows when it needs something its carer will help it and support it and be there for it, will become a much more confident and happy child.
safe and secure in the knowledge that someone is there for her.

onepieceoflollipop Thu 07-Aug-08 20:52:53

I do sympathise, thankfully dh and I both hate to hear dd2 whinging/crying (she is 11 mths) and like your dd generally if we move her or give her a change of scenery she becomes happier.

Perhaps you could try focussing on that, saying something like you feel that you are lucky with your dd that although she sometimes gets a bit fed up, it is easy to comfort/settle her and lots of other parents have more unsettled children.

Also in my case (me rather than dh) I get frustrated when the clearing up or whatever doesn't get done. Dh is better at prioritising the children tbh. Make sure that you don't ever moan to him if housework isn't done. When I am working (e.g. at weekends) the standard of childcare (from dh) is absolutely fab, but the house is a tip!

thisisyesterday Thu 07-Aug-08 20:54:30

some links for you

eva lillian

guardian article

paolosgirl Thu 07-Aug-08 21:01:08

Whoah - hold on here. Romanian orphanages? Have you EVER been to one of these places? There is a vast difference between that and leaving a much loved child crying for a couple of minutes whilst you finish loading the dishwasher.

Is your dh systematically ignoring her? Leaving her to cry for hours on end? Not interacting with her at all? No eye contact? No physical contact? Is she left in her cot all day? Not spoken to? No toys to play with? ie - in the manner of a Romanian orphanage?

Or is he simply not rushing immediately to her every time she cries a little?

Caz10 Thu 07-Aug-08 21:02:27

thank you all

thisisyesterday these links are great, thank you.

i am dreading going back to work as it is, but this is just making it worse sad

Caz10 Thu 07-Aug-08 21:05:33

oh sorry crossed posts paolosgirl

yes, i know she is not in a Romanian orphanage!! No, she is not being left for hours on end, I would describe it as just a couple of minutes too long for my comfort zone...

Say I would take anything from 10 - 30 secs-1 min to get to her, he would take maybe a few minutes. Yes I know, not long. But when she is crying that feels long to me. Especially when all she needs is perhaps moved to a different place, given a toy, or even just spoken to from a distance to be reassured.

Twiglett Thu 07-Aug-08 21:08:28

based on quick read of OP and your last post I think your DH is right IMHO

and you're being a little precious .. a couple of minutes whinging whilst he gets things over and done with will not harm her in any way

it is not the same as being ignored

thisisyesterday Thu 07-Aug-08 21:09:43

erm, I wasn't suggesting that caz's dd is like a romanian orphan. hmm
just a good example of children who don't vcry because they know no-one will come. which is exactly what happens with any baby if you don't respond to their needs, be it with CIO, CC, or whatever
this may only be a few minutes a day, but to argue that it is necessary, to teach a baby that she won't be pandered to is, tbh, quite ridiculous

thisisyesterday Thu 07-Aug-08 21:10:33

ok, erm, why can he not clear up if she is out of the highchair though????
she doesn't NEED to stay in the highchair crying while he tidies surely?

he has said he is doing it because he wants to teach her not to be pandered to. which is crap.

Twiglett Thu 07-Aug-08 21:11:56

under a minute to 3 minutes is not a big deal IMO

cthea Thu 07-Aug-08 21:12:02

They don't have a concept of time at such a young age, or understand very well that "just a minute" means your DH will be with her shortly. She'll only get herself worked up more and more, making it more distressing for both your DD and DH.

I agree with you that you need to feel totally comfortable about leaving your DD with someone and leaving or not a baby to cry would be v important to me too.

paolosgirl Thu 07-Aug-08 21:14:30

I hope I don't sound too harsh here, because I'm not at all in RL! If we're talking a few minutes here versus a 30-odd seconds, I really don't think she's going to suffer in any way. Try to think of it this way - if you had another child, who was taking up your time - you were reading it a story, or bathing it, or whatever, your baby would simply have to wait a bit. It wouldn't grow up harmed, traumatised or unhappy - honestly!

It can be horrible trying to agree on parenting strategies at the beginning - I do also wonder from reading your post if some of your frustration at his parenting is an outward expression of your unhappiness at going back to work?

LittleMissBliss Thu 07-Aug-08 21:16:13

She's old enough to realise that if you leave a room you'll come back.

I Personally would just carry on like you dh seems to. If ds was in the high chair and i needed to do something i'd be happy to leave him to winge for a little while, i'll chat to him but don't rush to him when he winges.

You don't need to everything right away. Otherwise you'd spend your life running after your child. I feel that a child who is winging for no real reason will get distracted and self settle pretty quickly. As long as they are not in pain or unwell. I don't think leaving a child to winge up to two minutes like you said will do any long term harm.

Twiglett Thu 07-Aug-08 21:18:54

the important thing is you're both her parents .. and you obviously have different ideas .. but you have to find a way to be comfortable with the fact that he does it out of love as you do .. neither of you are wrong .. your child is adored and loved and cared for .. in different ways by each parent

and that is the nature of two parents raising a child .. two perspectives

yours isn't 'right' because you're the mother and his isn't becuase he's the father

and you cannot dictate that he follows your rules

but you can discuss it

cthea Thu 07-Aug-08 21:19:02

That's a good question, Paolosgirl. A baby left to cry for a bit because his parents are busy with another sibling/house is on fire/something else doesn't feel any different to being left to cry out of neglect. BUT it's different for you as a parent, I think, how you feel about your interaction with the baby, how "guilty" you feel about it.

scanner Thu 07-Aug-08 21:20:14

sorry, but I'm with your dh here. What do you think happens when you have more than one child?

Caz10 Thu 07-Aug-08 21:20:49

i wondered that too tbh paolosgirl, but this has bothered me from the start, so I don't think so, although I'm sure it's making it seem worse now.

I just know what my dh's general outlook is, he is from a military background, quite gruff and no-nonsense, and while he dotes on dd, he definitely has some very different ideas from me on parenting, especially in this type of area.

I know that a subsequent baby may have to just wait, but while we have only one and therefore the luxury of time, I really don't think she should have to - IF she is distressed. As I said she is great at playing independently and will quite happily pootle away on the floor with toys while I cook/clean/whatever.

he's not purposely leaving her so she learns not to be pandered too, but if the situation arises he will leave her because he thinks it will do her good iyswim

LittleMissBliss Thu 07-Aug-08 21:20:56

Often when mums have babies/todlers who are close in age one will have to be left to winge/cry at some points in the day. Especially if the mum is at home by herself. It's just the way things are, that mum isn't neglecting the child. I don't think it will grow up with abandonment issues.

thisisyesterday Thu 07-Aug-08 21:20:58

but the onus here is on leaving the child to cry ON PURPOSE, for no reason.

how do you know she is whingeing for no reason?

honestly, I don't understand this. If your child had finished eating and was crying to get out of the highchair, then why would you leave her in it on purpose? just to prove a point to her?
I don't see what is wrong with taking her out anc then doing the tidying????
most bizarre

dittany Thu 07-Aug-08 21:21:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett Thu 07-Aug-08 21:22:35

moaning and whinging is not a sign of distress it's merely communication .. I think emotive terms just reinforce your issues personally .. she's just mithering really

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