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How do you tell your parents that you plan to do it differently from them?(22 Posts)
you smile sweetly and thank them for the emails (after deleting them all)
the thing is LOTS of people will offer you advice and you will get used to smiling and nodding at them
it won't be a battleground - it is your baby
you may find some of your own plans and ideas change though!
oh ignore them. don't lecture them (they will probably snigger about it behind your back!) it is your baby and do what you want.
if you plan to co sleep you want a super king size bed - 6 foot of pure luxury.
Agree with Ruby!
And maybe don't talk too much about your plans.....you really don't know how you're going to feel once the baby's here.
IME the people who have very fixed ideas, whether it's about natural water birth, baby wearing or bf for 3 years are the ones whose plans tend to go tits up!
You say 'uh huh' and then do what you want. They can't be in your bedroom with you/ wrestle the baby out of it's sling. You may have broader views in a few months anyway - so best not to slag off the alternative - bitch behind closed doors like i do!
Perhaps prepare a few phrases such as'We're so happy', 'baby is so content' 'I am getting lots of sleep' - they can't really argue with that.
I have just seen a dad with a newborn in a wrap thing walking down the street - it made me smile it's such a nice bundle!
Just let it wash over you, don't discuss it too much before the baby is here. I have a good relationship with my mum but there are somethings we have done differently with our babies, so I just smile and nod if she suggests anything I don't agree with and do my own thing anyway.
Don't be too dogmatic about the way you will do things tho, being too fixed on any way either rigid routine or AP could make you feel mis if it doesn't go the way you plan.
Gosh, people are so oafish and thoughtless. Ignore them.
I'd be nice but firm. When she emails you about putting baby in his own room, say 'gosh isnt it amazing how things change in such a short time' and attach some info on why baby should sleep in with you.
Dont get wound up by it though or cross to their faces as they are bound to have plenty of advice that will be helpful that they may then hold back on.
Also once baby is born, if you do change your ideas about certain things (as is natural with experience) you dont want to feel backed into a corner or like they will say 'I told you so'!
LOL at Riven's Mum and 'breastfeeding isn't natural'!! You can't argue with that can you!
I agree with the 'nod and smile' idea (and ignore the emails, or reply but on a different subject). If they persist, you can always say 'Well we'll try this first and see what happens' so you're not totally dismissing their ideas in front of them, even if you are privately.
(sorry Riven, didn't mean to laugh at your Mum personally btw, mine could quite easily say something similar... )
Agree that a need to know policy is best - they really don't need to know your parenting philosophy, esp before baba is even here. Just do things in the way that feels right to you and your new family and smile sweetly when you are offered a million bits of advice.
I remember emailing my mum and MIL before DD was born outlining my plans/beliefs . Now number two is due I cannot quite believe I felt a need to share, to justify myself, or that I thought I knew exactly how things would be when the baby was actually around.
Interestingly, every one of my NCT group did things slightly differently on the scale from schedule to AP when the eight babies were small. Now they are turning two, it's all evened out, they have exactly the same sort of day/do the same things, and are all fine. So give yourself room to not have to defend rigid decisions as they will evolve, shift and change anyway. And good luck!
Also remind them that they probably did everything differently to how their parents did it!
Re co-sleeping - I would humour that one and explain the reseach on it as I have found older people (eg my nan!!) to be very worried about it as they were told all sorts of rubbish about rolling onto babies etc. They may genuinely have safety fears and it would be nice to try to put their minds at rest.
Whenever I do things differntly, I just say things like 'how times have changed etc...' and point out that the culture is now differnt... my mum was encouraged to bottle feed etc etc.
Whatever you do, don't say that that is what people do in the rest of the world... because that argument is a load of old bollox and will get into a heated debate before too much longer.
Oh and Nooname, I slept with my baby, until I actually did roll on top of her. Its not all rubbish you know (and yes, I was breastfeeding her at the time, and no I hadn't been drinking / smoking / taking drugs), I was just knackered from her waking up 20 times a night!
if you will be attached all the time, why dont you let your parents do what they think is right the little bit of time they are with baby?
for the 'we had you in another room' and statements of this nature, just answer 'today they tell you that its safest to have them in your room'
you can also always find some useful websites that backup your practices and direct your parents to reading them
Try telling them that they are doing exactly what they did when you were born - that they were following the best practice at the time (even if you or they have no idea what best practice was at that time, I can't see them admitting to doing anything other than what they thought best if you see what I mean).
And that is exactly what you are going to do - follow today's current best practice. The cot death statistics are always useful to point out as to how things do change and that it is worth following best practice.
It's also worth throwing in that, if they remember back, that they probably remember their DM/MIL/etc trying to point out the 'right' way to do things that they didn't necessarily agree with, so hopefully will get some empathy - but if not and if they did do what they were told to by the older generation - and that is what they are trying to get you to use, they you can turn it back on them and ask if they are seriously suggesting that you ignore the last 40-70 years (sorry, no idea what age you and they are!) of research for their darling grandchild.
and again, it's very difficult for them to agree that they don't want the current best for their GC but at least you have given them something to hold on to that you are not dismissing what they did per se. sorry ds2 is teething so am trying to explain this with a very woolly sleep deprived head [should be an asleep emoticon here...]
and I bet that they are more than happy to take medicines that have been developed in the last few years rather than take the ones that were around 4o years ago!
I have also noticed talking to people about this that they can agree with some things if you have definite figures (back to the cot death/sleeping on back things again) but when things are a little vaguer and about things that they have a more emotional attachment to then they are less likely to agree - things like waiting to wean until 6 months or that dummys can also be used to reduce the rate of cot death.
On a separate note - I'd also agree with what has been said about getting a super king size bed if you are co sleeping- I have a king size bed and although I don't co-sleep (intentionally! has happened occasionally) - I think it would be a bit small to do it comfortably. Have you seen that you can get little nests that you can put in your bed so the baby can sleep in your bed but there are little soft sides too - bit like a soft fabric moses basket designed to be in the middle of the bed. NO idea if they are any good but might be worth investigating - if you are interested I'll see if I can dig up a link for them.
We had the same thing with my parents. They made "helpful" comments non stop for the first year od DS's life before I cracked and had a massive go at them where everything came out. I have to say I don't recommend that approach and actually, I don't think it's stopped them either.
Am about to pop with number 2, and only just feel like am at the point where I can rise above it without my blood boiling. I recommend selective hearing if possible, or at least just saying, "well, this is how we're doing it", and changing the subject. Good luck - it's one of the hardest things to contend with I think, especially if they want to look after your kids and do it their way!
meant also to say that I have found that best practice and current advice has changed for some things since I had DS1 (now 3 1/4 yrs) and DS2 (4 months) - so there are some things that I will be doing differently this time around from last time. Doesn't mean that last time around was wrong, or that this time will be right - but at least I can think that I am trying to do the best I can on the available knowledge. Should I ever get to dc3 I am sure that some things will change again...
Have you got any friends that are in a similar situation (ie with a new-ish kid and older kid) that you could drop into the conversation if it arises to show that you are not trying to dismiss them and their views?
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