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Desperatly need advice regarding ex and contact (long story)

(5 Posts)
cantseemyfeet Thu 31-Jul-08 00:40:49

I am really struggling to cope with my nightmare of an ex and I am so angry at the moment I really dont want it to cloud my judgment so I thought Id ask for some wise words from you guys.

Despite the fact he tried to hump everything with a heartbeat before I caught him out and chucked him out, he has taken it upon himself to quiz me on where im going, who im with, when Im going out EVERYTIME he sees me or speaks to me on the phone. It is constant texting, ringing, pestering and I have told him over and over again it is nothing to do with him and the only reason we need to talk is because of the children (ds2 3yr old, ds3 11 months old).

Ive always said he can see the children aslong as he dosent mess them about or hurt them. Because he works night shifts I told him he can have them every Saturday 1 till 5. I have never asked him to have them overnight as I know he cant cope that long with them (he has the IQ of a plant pot).

I went out with friends last Friday night and spent the entire night being pestered by him by texts and phone calls. I ignored most of them and told him to leave me alone.
He was due to pick the children up at 1 on Saturday but rang at quarter to 1 to say he needed to change his tyre and would be a little late. I told him that DS2 was already sat on doorstep waiting for him and to be quick because it was really hot outside.
When he still hadnt arrived by half past I text him to say DS2 was refusing to come in untill Daddy came and could he please hurry up. I received no reply and when he still hadnt arrived by quarter to 2 I text again saying if he wasnt here in the next 5 minutes then not to bother, I foolishly assumed he wasnt answering because he was driving. When I finally got hold of him 15 minutes later he was at his mates house!!

Furious does not come near to what I was feeling. I had to take DS2 out just to calm him down and he spent all night saying find Daddy. It was heartbreaking.

When I calmed down I told him he could have kids for a few hours today (he has a weeks holiday) He was due to pick them up at 10 but once again rang to say he would be late! I yelled at him and he was here 20 minutes later. However when I took children to the car and started putting car seats in he started quizzing me again. He kept asking me if I was with someone last weekend and when I snapped and said yes now leave me alone, he went on like something possessed. He called me all sorts, then grabbed hold of the babies bag and threw it in the boot of the car. The bag had beakers with drink in along with yogurts. He was just acting like a nut case calling me a slag so I grabbed the bag then got the baby out of the car and told him he wasnt having them.I took one look at ds2 though and knew it would break his heart if I got him out of car, so I said he could have him but he had to bring him back at 2,he then started saying things like "hmm, i dont know" "ill think about it" he then drove of giving me the finger!! He came back 2 minutes later and threw the baby bag (which I had put next to Ds2 as it had his dinner in) he said he didnt need this shit and started ranting about me seeing someone else again before driving off. All of this was in front of my kids.

He apologised when he dropped DS2 off and I told him if their was anymore that I would get a restraining order on him because he was hurting the children. He later text to see how ds2 was and when I asked him if he was still having them on Saturday he said he cant because he is going to see his Aunty! I know his Aunt is ill so I didnt make a big deal of it but said he could go to see her anytime this week, he has a commitment to his kids and they wouldnt see him for a week if he didnt see them before he went back to work. Again he said he was going to see his Aunt. I then text and said I understood he needed to see Aunt but his kids need to see him and would it be easier to have them 1 till 5 on Friday?
He never answered but tried to ring. I couldnt cope with another replay so I text again and said either have them on Friday or not at all. He told me he would have them but it would have to be 10 till 2!!! The man is barking mad, I ask him to have them in the afternoon mainly because ds2 goes to sleep if he is at home and Im working with health visitor to get him into a proper sleep pattern. If he is out he stays awake. I also have the chance to get shopping and do housework if they go after their dinner.
I had already changed the day to suit him and now he was demanding the times were changed too. I had really had enough and I have told him not to contact me and the children again. I know that sounds hard but I truly believe that this is affecting ds2s behaviour. He wouldnt speak to me this afternoon and when I tried to cuddle him he head butted me. He just didnt want to be near me and it is not like him at all. Ds3 is to young to understand but I dont want him growing up thinking this is normal because it isnt.

Im sorry this is so long but I had to have a rant because I feel like I am going to explode if I have to cope with anymore.
Do you think I am doing the right thing?? Ive always been a big believer in Fathers seeing their children and I hate hearing stories of mothers that ban contact just to get at an ex but this really isnt the case. I desperatly want him to be a part of their lives but not if it is going to damage them.

Do you think supervised access would be advisable? I really am worried about his mental state lately and worry he is going to do something stupid like keep the kids from me. He wouldnt take them for long though (see IQ) but he is desperate to get at me whatever way he can and using the children is the only way he can now.

Any advice is really welcome

TwoIfBySea Thu 31-Jul-08 00:50:24

Rant away m'dear you are in the right place. And once ranted out, I've found it to be a great release.

I wish I could offer proper advice beyond my own experiences but anyway have a big hug, you are not alone and at least on here you'll get some support. When the regular posters are awake tomorrow they will be able to give you some sage advice.

My own thoughts though, I would make sure supervised access was an option at least. I have an ex who is a control freak, is hanging on to our marriage because he knows I can't move on while still legally married to him (he meanwhile has, in the past 12 months since walking out, got new gf and baby!) My dts are messed around, like your dcs, turning up late or not at all or constantly with his new family in tow. I know how it can drive you absolutely insane.

You need to put your dcs first, as you are, never mind him. If he doesn't like it tough. Like you I am also a believer that children need to see their father regardless, however I do think some "fathers" exploit this knowledge - mine does certainly.

Do you have anyone legal you could speak to?

thornrose Thu 31-Jul-08 00:59:08

My ex was not quite as extreme as yours but similar in a lot of ways. It's a horrible situation but can I just say that we have been apart for 7 years now and believe it or not, we now manage to have a civil relationship, so have hope.
Many people will disagree with this but I decided not to rise to any of his behaviours. I never mentioned nights out that I had or engaged in conversation about anything that could become volatile. I didn't tell dd when daddy was coming if I could help it so she wouldn't be disappointed and he couldn't use it as a way to get to me. This went on for about a year and then it settled down, I still have to try really hard not to react to the occasional dig!
I do think some kind of supervised visits would be a good idea.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 31-Jul-08 01:12:38

you know when i opened your thread i was already to say if he wants contact let him all i wanted is for my ex to see my dd so that she would know who her father is etc. but then i read your post and i dont what to think or say sad

obvioulsly you know that it is not healthy for your dc's to see this and agree your ds's behavior is probably linked! if you dont want to take the mmore drastic measure of supervised contact how about him picking up the dc's from a friend or family members?

oh and nect time you go out buy a cheap as chips payg phone that your babysitter has the number to and he doesnt! you dont need that on a night out! you are entitled to move on with your life

good luck

cantseemyfeet Thu 31-Jul-08 19:30:26

Thanks for the replies.

I am going to have a word with health visitor about DS2s behaviour. He is getting worse and I am worried that all this is affecting him.
He was close to his Dad, which is why I desperatly wanted him to keep up with the routine of having him every Saturday afternoon. I just wish ex would understand that his behaviour isnt hurting me its hurting him.

He clearly has plans to go out all weekend which is why he is being awkward about having them, but I feel if I let him dictate the kids visits around his social life there will NEVER be a routine for them and I wont know from one week to the next when he is going to see them. That is likely to do more harm than good as the poor kids are already confused.

I told him last night that he will not quiz me anymore and that he needs to move on, if he dosent then I will report him to police. But that is another fear of children being hurt. The last thing I want is for DS2 to be stood at door watching the police cart off his dad!

I am not being unreasonable, I have been through a messy split with DS1s Dad but we both put our son first and he had as much access as he wanted, we are the best of friends now and it has had a great impact on our son. THAT is what I wanted with ds2 and 3s dad but he is in totally different league. He just wants to make sure I am sat at home on my own with 3 kids for company. I am not entitled to a life and if I dare to go out then he is on a mission to know exactly what im doing. He dosent give the children a second thought.

He has made no attempt to say he will have children again tommorow so I am once again left with 2 let down children.

I think I will take some legal advice and go from there.

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