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Need advice about my 11 year old boy (a long one)

(7 Posts)
shinyshoes Wed 30-Jul-08 15:03:13

He's not long turned 11 and due to go to senior school in September.

Apart from the usual lip i'd expect from him he's behaviour is starting to worry me lately.

He's been walking around with scissors, I cought him yesturday putting them in his mouth, I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing, he denies stuff even though he's caught red handed, he then said he was 'kissing' them hmm.

Last week, I was watching him over the field at the back of our house, something caught my eye, something about his demeanour made me watch him. He was crouching down and it looked as if he was up to no good, because I couldnt quite see what he was doing I carried on doing what I was doing, within minutes quite near to where he was there was a small fire and the fire brigade were called. I asked him if it had anything to do with him he said no, he just called the Fire brigade as he saw the fire, this was backed up by his friend so I left it, having no proof either way.

He was were he shouldn't have been on Sunday, he was in some derelict house, he knows he isnt allowed in there but I was calling him for his dinner and he wouldnt answer. So I started searching the streets. I started to become frantic and worried my panic overwhelmed me and when I heard screaming and calling out I panicked and phoned the police. He came running out from this derelict house and I sent him home sooooo angry I seriously could have hurt him had I got near him. So he stayed in his room.

We let him out a couple of days later as I felt my insecurities over him being out shouldnt be taken out on him so I told him he had to literally stay where I can see him, this was also punishment for being in the derelict house.

My sister works at the local shops she phoned me as a boy was being chased down the road by a gang of children and wondered if it was my son. I said no it wasnt as he was outside and hasn't left the area, she said he had been to the local shops, and they had a conversation. He continued to deny being anywhere but outside the front but he knew he'd been caught out when I said his aunt has rung and she'd told me they'd had a conversation.

We decided to ground him until he can start behaving and proving to us he can behave responsibly. I have lost all trust in anything he says or does at the moment and told him he has a long way to go before we start trusting him again.

DH has just caught him upsatirs with a lighter and it stinks of smoke, its obvious what he had done and with some coaxing he told me he had burnt soem paper out of boredom.

DH didnt help one bit saying 'I think we ought to put his hand over a fire til his hand blisters just to warn him of the dangers' needless to say this freaked him out and I put DH in his place telling him to shut up and he was being down right ridiculous and thats a stupid thing to say and to f*king grow up.

His mums the same would rather humiliate, embaress and give the child a 'good hiding' as 'it never done me any harm' angry

This isnt how I want my children raised and told her as much when she said it (she was round when the derelict house incident occured).

BUT something needs to happen, I am at the end of my tether as to what to do, I have tried talking to him as to what's wrong but he's insitant nothings wrong and this latest incident in his room lighting paper was out of boredom and nothing more.

Is this normal behaviour from an 11 year old, I'd expect a younger child to be inquisitive about lighters and matches but not at this age.

Advice greatly appreciated smile

Celia2 Wed 30-Jul-08 16:15:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laidbackinengland Wed 30-Jul-08 16:21:20

Sometimes fire starting can be about feeing out of control. Is there anyting your son feels out of control about at the moment?

If you are really worries about him, it may be worth local Fire Brigade and/or local Youth Offending Team may be able to advise you as there are often diversionary courses for young people who are starting to set fires. They have good results.

shinyshoes Wed 30-Jul-08 16:49:34

The Fire Brigade 'firs starters project' sounds great, just the thing i'm looking for.
I will phone my local fire station to find out if they run a scheme.

He wasnt chased by the boys, my sister saw a boy being chased and thought it was my son, she phoned I told her he hasnt left the front of the house and she said he had as she had a converstaion with him at the local shops, despite not being allowed to leave the house.

We do have community support police, do you think they would take the time to come and talk to him about the choices he is making at the moment?

I dont want to have to keep grounding him, as you've said it leads to a no win situation but I dont want to start baking cakes and doing other things that make his life pleasant as he'll think he's getting a good deal and the idea is to punish him. But what do I do?

I do think he's worried about going into secondary school, we've talked about it, but thats all I can do is offer support and tell him that it's what he makes of it. He knows I'm here if he's anxious.

Thanks for the advice. smile

Celia2 Wed 30-Jul-08 20:59:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

christywhisty Wed 30-Jul-08 22:50:26

Going on my ds and his friends the fascination with fire is quite normal at that age
My 12 year old DS is a scout and wanted a fire steel as one of the leaders told him about it. DH said he could have one if he learnt to start a fire safely rubbing to sticks etc

The leaders at scouts taught him to do it properly at camp, the next time he went to camp he was allowed to start the camp fire with his new fire steel and he was really proud of himself.

Does your ds have many outside interests, I wonder if he is bored?

MrsWeasley Wed 30-Jul-08 22:56:00

My neighbours son was fasinated by fire starting when he was younger. He would try to light the straw they used for their pets. Neighbour put him in charge of lighting the BBQ that seems to help.

My DD at 12 was always saying she couldn't remember doing things/saying things etc.

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