Slightly concerned that dd isn't 100% happy with CM. WWYD?

[Paddlechick666]

Okay, dd is 2.9 and a very happy outgoing sociable bouncy little girl.

she is also very talkative, very persistant and quite stubborn and can have a stampy foot moment up there with the best of 'em.

she's been with CM for over 18m now and CM and I are pretty much on the same page (she's a bit stricter than me but I think that's a good think with my rational head - heart says different but hey ho LOL).

CM has older DC of her own and younger mindees.

DD is very articulate but doesn't always get the facts straight in her re-telling of events etc, perfectly normal for a child her age.

Anyways, recently she has begun to blow hot and cold wrt CM and CMs house. Some days she loves everyone, other days she is "sad" and "not happy" which breaks my heart.

She is an only child and I actually think it's good for her to mix with other kids of different ages and to learn that attention has to be shared etc.

This week tho, she's told me that CMs DC are "mean" and "kick her" (altho she did say CM makes DC apologise). She's just starting to experience older kids exclusion and so on as well. Family party yesterday and the 6/7yr old girls wouldn't let her join in etc.

I am worried about her being in a setting where she's unhappy but when I pick her up she's full of smiles and talk of her activities for the day etc. I just get the impression that there are flashpoints in the day where she's getting/being upset by both CM and other kids.

Am I being totally PFB about this? Am worried about talking to CM as don't want to put her back up. Am hoping to move area by end of year so don't want to move dd now then again before we relocate, but equally don't want her to be stuck somewhere that she's not being heard etc.

CM tends to brush off cross/sad behaviour in a bit of a disparaging way which I don't really like etc.

Have visions of dd crying for being kicked (probably after she's bugged the other kid to be fair but....) then told not to make a fuss etc.

Arg! Is it stupid of me to expect her to be happy 100% of the time whilst in childcare?

[Notyummy]

Tis difficult. I certainly don't think cm should be brushing off concerns, however it is unlikely that your dd will always be happy in childcare...in the same way she would not always be happy at home. I think I would try and broach the subject v tactfully with cm, along the lines of how pleased you are that she interacts with kids of different ages (which she would get little of at nursery or home), but you wondered how well she behaves with them, as she she sometimes talks about diagreements with them.

I guess I would look at it this way; if she was at nursery she would have disagreements with other kids (although likely to be of her own age)and she would be upset by this too. My dd has both been bitten and been the biter so far at nursery (she's just turned 2).

[Hassled]

Notyummy is right - whatever environment she's in, there are always going to be kids she doesn't like and kids who might kick or hit etc. Learning to cope with that is part of growing up.

That doesn't make things easier for you, though - I would have a chat with the CM and say exactly what you've said here, and hopefully if you can establish that there are, say, 4 days of DD being perfectly happy and 1 day where there are a couple of issues that are quicky resolved, then you'll feel easier. If you tell the CM your concerns while reassuring the CM that you feel on the same wavelength etc you won't put her back up.

[Paddlechick666]

Thanks ladies, the voices of reason that I needed.

I guess this is the first time I've encountered a situation where her relationships are challenging and I've not been there to referee or help resolve the situation.

I guess everyone is slightly uncomfortable with how their child is cared for in a childcare setting because it's never going to be 100% as you wish.

Hopefully the older DC and DD will get over any conflicts as they've got 3 weeks together now school is out!

Will see how the next few days go.

Thanks again.

[Paddlechick666]

well, I'm a bit ho-hum about it all again today.

dropped dd off this morning at same time as another mindee. CMs kids completely blanked both me and dd and were all over other mindee and parent like a rash.

found this quite strange/unsettling as in the past CM's kids have always been very friendly + chatty to me.

also, on further thinking, one of CM's kids is always ready to tell me if dd has done something wrong or been naughty or had a paddy when I collect.

CM isn't as friendly/chatty as she was but have put this down to increase in mindees etc.

I just feel uneasy about it all altho, as I've said, dd is always happy and cheerful when I collect.

Just rambling a bit on here to try to get thoughts/emotions clear........

[Kewcumber]

well firstly I think that you know moving her now with an impending move in the works is really a non-starter and will be far worse for her in the long run than staying where she is.

You have three basic choices as I see it:

1 - you can deal with it by chatting to DD and discussing it with her - "why did X hit you? Do you think that you might have been playing with a toy they wanted?" etc Trying to get her to deal with her cross feelings yourself.
2 - discuss with CM - "DD seems very unsettled at the moment and talks about being kicked - is she doing something to wind them up?" I know it sounds a bit passive agressive but I find if you don't want to provoke a reaction then assuming the worst behaviour of your own DC's will more often get to the truth.
3 - both (which of course would be my recommendation

As the others have said I think a certain amount of exclusion by the older children whilst sad is not exceptional and nothing will solve that, I also think you have been quite spoilt by having your CM almost to yourself for a while and the less friendly less time to talk thing soudns quite normal to me. I tend to chat to CM at pick up as she has too much on her plate at drop off.

Finally I have always felt that being happy at the end of the daqy a far better indicator of how settled she feels there than how she is at drop off. DS is sometimes a bit moody at drop off but why wouldnt he be? He quite likes me and wants to stay with me but I can see when I pick him up that he's had a lovely day.

[Kewcumber]

Also I think kids do go through a phase of being a bit tell-tale-y perhaps her ds is just going throguh that phase. Though I would say to CM "DS is always telling me how badly behaved she is and it worries me - I thought she was so happy here" - aqgain apologies aas its a bit passive aggressive (can you tell I'm a manipulative witch?). But it will either draw out whether her behaviour relaly is causing a problme (which I doubt) or it will hopefully get her to stop her DS commetning to you about any tiny infringement.

On the strictness thing - I think its more common for CM's to be quite strict because they have to be caring for several children.

[Paddlechick666]

thanks kew (and slng on other thread lol), i do need voices of reason on this as it's just too emotive a subject for me to really be rational.

the heart strings are being tugged so hard when i see her being ignored/excluded. 12m ago they adored her

we barely talk on the morning drop off these days, took my cue from you there a while back.

attempting to be rational, i am 100% sure CM would bring up any issues as she is very direct and clear.

i always get a "behaviour" report most days (just a "has she been good?" type thing, generally the answer is yes) and had a bit of a chat about how she was doing a week or so ago.

yesterday there was a bit of "kick the cat" syndrome with dd telling younger mindee "you can't play in my game" which would be total repetition of what happened to her on Sunday!

was thinking about something along the lines of "is dd getting on okay with X & Y?" then taking it from there. if she says they're not getting on okay then i'll ask what I can do with dd to help that get resolved.

I will speak to dd as well about why she thinks the other kids are mean and how she thinks she can deal with it. I'll only do that next time she brings it up tho......

btw, totally like the passive aggressive approach myself too.

[LoveMyGirls]

All children go through phases and don't get on all of the time, I would have a casual chat to cm but wouldn't be really worried.

[sfxmum]

sorry this is worrying you, never easy
but you should be able to speak to the CM without being fearful or worried of 'putting her back up'

it is hard when older kids are mean to little ones and although part of the whole growing up experience, the way in which it is dealt with makes a difference.

ultimately if you feel dd is otherwise settled I don't really think it should be a serious concern
after all it is normal for dd to come to you and try to make sense of her feeling and seek reassurance

no useful advice I'm afraid
hope it settles soon

[stepfordwife]

it is horrible seeing your child 'left out" but every kid goes through it sometimes and they need to go through it to learn how to cope with it....

i'm sure if there was a serious problem, your CM would say so, especially as you say she's direct. kew's right, most kids do go through a tell-tale phase which is pretty tedious but can come in pretty handy sometimes; "Muuummmmyyyyyy...dd is trying to climb out of the window." (Mummy drags her arse away from eastenders

Also, as said before, being happy when you pick her up is very positive. when dd had her 3-week stint at a nursery, she didn't settle at all there and when i picked her up, she'd run across the room and throw herself into my arms either feverishly euphoric (like she hadn't seen me for days) or sobbing.
now she often says she doesn't want to go to CM, but is always fine when i pick her up.

i'd definitely talk to your CM...passive-aggressive is fine. i'm usually a bit more (diplomatically) direct...only because i'm not clever enough for the pass/agg technique

[Acinonyx]

It might worth talking a bit to CM as it might me useful information when you are choosing her next CM. I just changed from nursery to CM when we moved. DD was unsettled in the new room at nursery and I was desperate to move her but like you just had to wait until we moved house. She's 3.

It is unfortunately very painful to witness the fast-moving fall-outs and spats with your own child. I know what you mean about geeling they are being excluded. This doesn't happen with cm (few kids, none are cm's, and mainly babies to 5 yr-olds) but does happen sometimes with her regular group of toddler friends.

[Paddlechick666]

evening all, well pick up was fine. CM said all kids getting on okay and CM's kids both spoke to me and said goodbye to dd.

dd opened a chat at bedtime about the kicking/shushing thing and I asked how it made her feel but she hasn't really got the language to express it. she clutched her throat a bit tho which broke my heart, of course!

so i gave her some phrases to use like "please don't do that because it makes me sad".

hopefully things will settle down now and she will learn to keep expressing herself.

thanks to everyone for the good advice and empathy.