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Would you let your pregnant 21 yr old move back home if things in her life were not goingly smoothly ??

(73 Posts)
IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:00:49

I know I most definatly would, without a second thought.

The reason I ask, is because xp's eldest dd (21), is expecting her first baby with her partner who is basically a twat. He doesn't work, has no intention of doing so, and doesn't treat xp's dd very well at all.

She does work part time, but is struggling to pay all bills etc because her dp contirbutes nothing at all. They argue all of the time and he is constantly leaving her and coming back etc.

Her mum (xp's first wife), lives alone, in a three bed house, but has told her dd that she is not welcome to move back in as she has raised her kids and it's her time now.

I am utterly gobsmacked that she can treat her own dd in this way when she knows just how much she is struggling. She is nearly 7mths pregnant fgs, not eating properly, sending texts to her dad saying she wished she wasn't here, and basically just not coping at all.

IMO xp and his ex wife are going about the whole thing in the wrong way, constantly lecturing their dd about whats going on, saying she got herself into this mess etc etc, and that they can't keep bailing her out.

Apparently they are both going round to see her tommorow night, and I told xp that imo they are going to push her further away if they carry on having a go at her, but his opinion is that her life is ruined anyway now.

I know it really is nothing to do with me, but I am just amazed at her mums atitude.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:02:10

Meant to add that I don't think the dd has actually asked to move ack home, but it sounds to me like she would, given half the chance.

OracleInaCoracle Fri 25-Jul-08 15:02:48

shock the poor girl!

Sazisi Fri 25-Jul-08 15:04:52

poor girl

Yes; any of my girls could move back here in a flash if they were in a similar situation.

I'm amazed at xp's attitude too, why on earth does he think her life is ruined?!!

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:06:29

I didn't always get one particularly great with her when I was with her dad, but god, i'd not wish anything like this on her. She has the ability to be a great mum, but if thgins carry on as they are, she will sink, and they won't help her.

It makes me so angry

I told xp that at the end of the day his dd will not get rid of this bloke until she feels strong enough. If she has no other place to go and feels she won't cope alone then she won't feel strong enough and so the bloke stays.

It isn't rocket science is it.

PinkTulips Fri 25-Jul-08 15:06:51

poor thing sad

does she want to leave him? if so maybe there are other options available to her, imo living with a mother who constantly tells her what a mess she's made of her life won't be much better than the idiot dp.

what a horrible situation for her to be in at 7 months pregnant.

is there anything you can do to help her out a little that won't irritate her mother and your ex? even just inviting her out for alunch so she gets a few decent meals and some impartial advice from and older woman.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:09:47

Oh I asked him that Saizi, as he seems to forget that I was 18 when I got pregnant with his first child with me.

He said that I had more upstairs then, than his dd ever will shock

That statement couldn't be more untrue. His dd is intelligent, she has just got herself into a pickle with a bloke she thought loved her, thats all. How many other women have done that.

I have told him that, this baby does not mean her life is ruined, and that they need to help her make the best of the situation, not watch her drown.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:11:32

I don't see her PT, haven't since I split with xp, apart from the very odd occasion that she is there when I drop the kids off at their dads.

I asked xp if there was anything she needed for the baby, and he said it was covered, and gave me the impression that my help wasn't wanted.

Morloth Fri 25-Jul-08 15:12:09

Well unless you know the WHOLE story I wouldn't be so quick to judge.

The woman is 21, not 16 - she has indeed made a whole bunch of crappy decisions but they were HER decisions to make and now they are HER consequences to bear. Would it be NICE if one of her parents picked up the slack? Maybe, but how do you know it wouldn't be enabling behaviour?

Personally I would allow my daughter to move back home, but there would be some pretty heavy conditions imposed. i.e. the boyfriend would not be welcome, she would be paying rent/board, she would be dealing with the childcare herself etc etc.

I was married and living overseas when I was 21, so I don't think that at that age she isn't able to sort it out herself if she wants too.

dittany Fri 25-Jul-08 15:13:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes Fri 25-Jul-08 15:13:16

yes iw ould

she is only 21

i would let a 31 or 41 year old move back too

NotDoingTheHousework Fri 25-Jul-08 15:13:35

Message withdrawn

maidamess Fri 25-Jul-08 15:14:06

Yes, in a wink. Thats what being a parent is about.

Morloth Fri 25-Jul-08 15:15:18

Really maidamess? I thought parenting was more about teaching them to stand on their own two feet? I wouldn't allow my kid to end up destitute but at 21 they are not kids and need to behave as adults.

HumphreySmallPillow Fri 25-Jul-08 15:15:21

My children will always have a place in my home if they need it.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:16:29

Morloth, I do know the whole story, have heard it several times now.

I agree that they can't help her so much that she never learns to stand on her own two feet, but I know what it is like to be in a situation you feel you have no control over, and I am lucky enough that both of my parents have always offered to help me out in such times.

I just feel that they are really going about it all in the wrong way, and personally I would never treat a daughter of mine in that way.
I agree that if her mum did let her move back home, strict rules should be in place and the dd should raise the child herself, not the mum, but she isn't being offered this chance.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:17:19

That is exactly what I said to xp Humphrey.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:19:46

Plus IMO, she is at least trying to hold it all together by carrying on in her job, trying to pay her bills etc.

Morloth Fri 25-Jul-08 15:20:35

"have heard it several times now" from who though?

Didn't you say she hasn't ASKED to move back home? Maybe she doesn't want to? Perhaps they have tried to help her in other ways and she has thrown it back at them? Perhaps she lives with/goes out with the deadbeat to piss them off?

I seriously doubt you have the whole story have you actually spoken to her?

Sorry, am really just playing devil's advocate here, I had an older friend put in a similar situation by her DD and after years of watching that girl walk all over her mother and spend her retirement savings and I am a bit leery to cry "oh poor girl" over a 21 year old.

ronshar Fri 25-Jul-08 15:23:11

I woulds always let my DD's move home if they wanted to. However it would not become the easy option. They would have to pay rent etc and share the household chores. But I would never forgive myself if I turned away my child and something really bad happened.

Illegallybrunette, I would perhaps try and contact her just to offer moral support. As you know being pregnant at any age is a terrifying thing. She may come to realise you are not the person she painted you as when you were her evil step mothersmile.

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:23:20

No I haven't actually spoken to her, so I know nothing hmm

Morloth Fri 25-Jul-08 15:25:42

Don't take it personally Brunette, I didn't say you know nothing, I said that you most likely don't have the WHOLE story - which as you haven't actually spoken to the adult in question would appear to be the case.

If you are so concerned why don't you contact her yourself and see if you can help her out at all?

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:28:16

I have no way of contacting her. Xp wouldn't give me her number because he doesn't appear to want me invloved.

PeachyBAHons Fri 25-Jul-08 15:31:38

yes I would, without a thought

'her life is ruined anyway now'- shock- i got pg just after meeting dh; far from being ruinedmy life has improved so much

IllegallyBrunette Fri 25-Jul-08 15:34:23

I had to laugh, because at one point xp was saying how, on the two occasions they have had to find new flats to live in, her boyfriend has done bugger all and made her find something, sort the move etc.

Xp seems to have forgotten that I had to walk round the streets looking for somewhere to live once, with dd1 as a toddler and dd2 a tiny baby. All because xp got our house repossesed, and wouldn't help find somewhere new.

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