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I know this is common but DS says he loves everyone but me :(

(23 Posts)
eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:32:52

DS and I are very close. We live in each others pockets. He constantly asks for me and "mama's bed" he always wants to be with mama in mama's bed. He is a sweet, funny little boy. And I know he loves me. Its clear. But for some reason he will not say it. He says he loves Daddy all the time, he says he loves friends, aunties, the cats, the rabbits, the toy fireman, you name it he loves it. He refuses to say he loves me and if I ask if he does he says no or shakes his head no.

I have been putting up with it for ages because I know its normal but it is really starting to get me down. I love him more than anything and do everything I can to make him happy I just dont understand why he is saying this (or as it happens, not saying this)

I try not to react when he says it and just say "oh well, I still love you more than anything" as I want him to know I love him no matter what.

I drastically cut down on MN a few weeks ago because I was worried he felt competition with the laptop. Now I only do stuff I really HAVE to do like phone calls etc that must be made and then a few mins here and there of IM or MN but pretty much every spare minute I have is spent with him. I dont know what else I can do. Please help.

girlsallaround Thu 24-Jul-08 17:37:02

how old is he?

lizinthesticks Thu 24-Jul-08 17:40:15

15.

lljkk Thu 24-Jul-08 17:41:45

Hum, I think you're being a bit controlling. The more you insist on certain words, the more power you give him to wind you up or responsibility for your emotional well-being. Not good to make an issue out of special words.

Make it into a game, perhaps, if you really need to hear him say it. But do you think you are making his opinion of you too important to your self esteem?. Whatever you do next, don't put so much pressure on him (& your relationship).

lulumama Thu 24-Jul-08 17:45:28

agree with lljkk....

my DD almost 3, for the last few weeks she has been telling me ,' daddy my best friend, you not coming to my party' . 'you not my friend'

they do it i think for a bit of a reaction and attention

when he falls, who does he want? he knows you love him totally, that is why he feels confident to withold his declaration of love

don't stress about it, he has tapped into the fact it is upsetting you or gaining a reaction and is perpetuating it

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:45:41

he is almost 2

I am not being too controlling because I am not controlling him at all.

He lists people and things he loves. I am never on it. So I give him a little smile and chuckle and say "Do you love Mama?" and he says no! I fail to see how that is controlling, that is hurt feelings.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:47:08

I know its normal.

I just dont know why he is singling me out when he quite happily says he loves other people all the time.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:48:39

sorry if I sound tetchy

I have terrible PMT atm and he has been really playing up against me. No one else. I am knackered.

lulumama Thu 24-Jul-08 17:51:31

do you really beleive he does not love you

blimey Thu 24-Jul-08 17:53:57

I doubt he has any understanding of what the word love really means. He clearly does love you.
What he feels for you probably feels so much more intense and important than what he feels for cats and rabbits and even daddy that he really couldn't include you in the same list.
If you feel hung up on it he will pick up on that but he won't really understand why. He will just get confused.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:55:54

no I know he loves me

I wonder if he doesnt like me for some reason

I feel especially bad today because I have been down with a very very heavy period so when he started listing all these people he loves but says he doesnt love me I am finding it harder to tune out as I normally do. I am questioning everything with my behaviour now. Am I on the phone too much. Am I MNing too much. Am I too sleepy in the mornings. Why does Daddy get all the fun and glory? I know its because I am here all the time and DH works full time so absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I havent left him for more than 10 minutes in 2 months.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 17:57:15

yes you are right. I know he cant be held responsible for these heavy emotions he is only a baby. Honestly most of the time when he says it I just smile and kiss him but today it just seemed too genuine a statement.

lulumama Thu 24-Jul-08 17:57:45

mabye you need to spend a bit of time away from him? sounds like you could get resentful and that is not healthy

just concentrate on having fun with him , rather than the 'love' thing..

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 18:00:29

I am not against a night out

You are right. Thanks for the kick up the backside. I shall try to be fun mama not needy mama again.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 18:01:28

I dont resent him now. Just want his little face to light up for me the way it does Daddy. envy

AbbeyA Thu 24-Jul-08 18:13:58

I think that he senses how needy you are, children pick up a lot from body language. He probably does it because you keep asking and he thinks you shouldn't need to. He doesn't mean it-ignore it completely-I just used to say something like 'that's OK because I love you enough for two'. Perhaps he needs a bit more space-it is good for him to be able to amuse himself.

blimey Thu 24-Jul-08 18:14:07

Does it get a chance to light up for you when you are always there?
let daddy look after him for a few hours and go and have some you time

AbbeyA Thu 24-Jul-08 18:23:30

Reading it again I see that you haven't left him for more than 10 minutes in 2 months! Have you got grandparents around? You could leave him with them and go shopping. If your DH works long hours let him have time on his own. I think you will find that his face then light up when you see him! You mention aunties perhaps they could have him for an afternoon. Your relationship sounds a bit intense.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 18:28:38

no grandparents. And no Aunties who can babysit. Just me and DH for childcare. I can obviously leave him with DH for a while.

Sorry I dont think I am needy or that it is any more intense than any close mother/child relationship. It is pretty much like every other SAHM relationship I know of. Just because I am posting this doesnt mean I am pushing a load of emotional stuff on to him.

Thanks for listening though

Morloth Thu 24-Jul-08 19:15:35

Oh eenybeeny he probably feels sooooo much more strongly about you, that he doesn't realise that is the same thing as "love". All those other people/things are a bit peripheral to him (even daddy in some ways) but you , you are a solid absolute necessity to his very existence.

Also he trusts you completely to love him no matter what he says or does, so you are "safe" to test this stuff on.

AbbeyA Thu 24-Jul-08 20:02:34

I agree with Morloth.
However I think it is a bit intense if you have no one that you leave him with-could you not leave him with DH for a whole day?

I was a SAHM and from 11 months to 6 years it was just me and my DS who was the light of my life, and in fact my whole reason for living because I was widowed suddenly. It was intense, I was there all the time and able to cater for his every need. I felt that what he needed more than anything else was healthy neglect, time to be bored and have his own space.
He stayed overnight with both sets of grandparents, I left him with friends and had babysitters that he was very fond of.

You must get it out of your head eenybeeny that he doesn't like you! Loving other people doesn't take the love away from you, there is plenty for everyone. I don't expect the other people even ask him if he loves them-if they did he would probably say 'no'!
If you weren't there and he was doing the list for someone else then you would probably be top.

Take no notice or you will be in pieces on the day that he is angry about something and says that he hates you! It is a bit frightening for children if the parent takes it seriously.

eenybeeny Thu 24-Jul-08 23:44:23

thanks you are both (all) right.

I do leave him to be bored - all the time! Although I am always with him I am certainly not always entertaining him! But I get what you mean.

On a totally separate note - AbbeyA - you have my sympathy for losing your husband. My DH has a serious lung disease and we value all our time together.

AbbeyA Fri 25-Jul-08 07:36:29

I thought that you were entertaining him all the time from your post!
I should just turn his list into a joke; when he does it tickle him and add more and more bizarre people! Or just say something like 'and Uncle Tom Cobley and all' and change the subject. The more he knows that you want to be top of the list the less likely he is to put you there!
I teach and so come across a lot of children and they are intensely loyal to the most inadequate parents-they love them.
I know a little boy whose mother is an alcoholic, people are very concerned about her level of care, and yet she is the one he loves and wants to be with. You really don't need to worry about whether he loves you or likes you-he does.(He looks lovely by the way). Sorry to hear about the illness,you are quite right to value your time together.

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