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Help just found out 1dd stealing out of my purse

(21 Posts)
2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 08:34:35

I noticest i was missing money from my purse yesterday when my 1dd went up town with her friend and didn't wanna believe she would do this baring in mind i'd just given her some money 2 go out with, so i kept my cool and asked her 2 write down the cost of things she'd brought from town when she got home and she dropped herself right in it but wants more she'd stolen twice the amount i'd thought she'd even taken a bag of 5p's from the saving tin.
I feel like screaming at her and packing her bags i'm so cross with her as she's only 11 but i know this isn't the answer. What should i do?

roisin Thu 24-Jul-08 08:50:04

I would have a calm chat with her and discuss what it would feel like to live in a house where you can't trust one another.

Talk to her about budgeting and about living within her means.

I would take this opportunity to tighten up on 'extras' you give her (money to go out with) and just stick with an allowance/pocket money that she has to manage.

Get her to write down what she would like to do/spend money-wise against what pocket money you give her.

Then point out to her that if it doesn't balance she needs to revise here spending, or find some way of making more money. (Doing extra chores or selling old toys, etc.)

I would also give her a 'punishment', probably that she's not allowed to go down town with her mate next time she asks.

lizinthesticks Thu 24-Jul-08 09:32:05

I used to do it at that age (and older) - to buy fags. sad

God I'm ashamed. Makes me feel sort of sick just remembering it.

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 10:15:43

i just can't believe it. I've never condoled stealing and would like 2 have thought i'd brought my kids up better than this. She has no need 2 steal money she always gets money when needed and has everything she needs. Whats more is it was premeditated she arranged trip to town and stole money evening b4.

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 10:15:45

i just can't believe it. I've never condoled stealing and would like 2 have thought i'd brought my kids up better than this. She has no need 2 steal money she always gets money when needed and has everything she needs. Whats more is it was premeditated she arranged trip to town and stole money evening b4.

roisin Thu 24-Jul-08 10:29:17

It sounds to me as though she has too much money, too often, and doesn't see it as a limited resource. Nip it in the bud now!

Sort out/negotiate her finances. Does she have school meals/bus fares to pay for next year? Put it together with pocket money/'go to town' money and tell her she has to manage it herself, but there's no subbing if she runs out. Be realistic, but not overly generous, but not too stingy either.

Probably start off by giving it to her weekly, then monthly once she gets the hang of it.

You can get an account aged 11 from the Halifax where they get a cash card (but can't go overdrawn), and learn to manage their money that way too.

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 10:44:00

that sounds great thank u roisin i'll have a chat with here do u have any suggestions on how much i should start with i was thinking £5 but its the school holiday's and she says her friends get £10 a wk

My 11 DSD gets £2.50 per week, and for the past 3 months we've been 'saving' £1 a week for her for her holiday spending money. £10 a week - when I was that age we got 10p for every year - £1.10 bought a lot of sweets and one of the Mr Men Books !!

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 10:52:55

Its just so hard to know what 2 do i never thought this would happen and it would be this hard raising kids. And this is my eldest

roisin Thu 24-Jul-08 14:33:39

Well, whatever you do don't fall for the "all my friends get.." line.

I certainly wouldn't give £10 per wk, but it depends on your circs and what sort of cash she's been getting lately.

Also remember in a few years' time she'll be able to get a part-time job, but won't be motivated to do so if she's just used to getting wads of cash from you.

clouded Thu 24-Jul-08 15:20:37

Is something going on with her friends 2many? The fact she says they get £10 a wk and even though I know all kids use this ploy, makes me wonder if she feels she isn't keeping up with them (not necessarily in the financial sense).

To take money from your savings tin the evening before sounds as though she was worried about not having enough. It wasn't impulsive and it wasn't what you'd expect from her.

I know most children do steal from their parents at times..it is partly because they discover they can do so, but often there can be more behind it.

You did well not to rant and rave!

girlywhirly Thu 24-Jul-08 16:33:42

Did her mates dare her to do it, do you think? Or maybe the others are giving her a hard time, making her feel that she has to keep up with their spending habits. She could be buying them things to ensure their favour. Girls can be really sneaky that way, (having witnessed it myself at school)

Definitely get to the bottom of it, and work out a solution. Might be worth a chat with her mates mums if you know them, and ask what in their opinion constitutes a fair allowance. Then you can dispute the cries of 'but my mates all get......' when you know it isn't true.

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 21:00:30

i don't think her mates put her up 2 it as they're from good brought up families plus my dd is the leader the 1 they all look up 2, the 1 with all the confidence so to speak. I call her the 'it' girl in the 'in' crowd at sch the group all kids wanna be in.

2manykidsNobraincells Thu 24-Jul-08 21:07:51

lastest up date. I decided 2 let dd go out 2 park with another friend 2day but told her after yesterday i wasn't going to give her money instead she had 2 make packet lunch 2 take with her as i didn't trust her after what she'd done.
Her mate said her mum was going 2 take them swimming and give her some dinner b4 bringing dd home. Dd strolled in at 8pm this evening without a care in the world acting as thou she'd done no wrong. I'm trying so hard not 2 lose it with her but am running out of things 2 do. I do the exact opposite to what i'd normally do by staying calm and telling her i'm disapointed with her and this is what she does HELP!!! What do i do now

electricbarbarella Fri 25-Jul-08 08:34:14

I would make her earn ay money she wants over the holidays by doind chores.

Ready4anotherCoffee Fri 25-Jul-08 12:55:44

Oh dear, I was hoping that she might be getting the message by now.

I do agree with the others, it is time she learnt the value of money, esp given how prices are rising etc. keep her on a tight leash financially, I know we discussed pocket money yesterday, but on reflection, would it be worth dropping the basic down lower, so she has to earn the extra eg £2.50 basic and an extra 50p a day? She has had it so good since you met your fella, and she has to learn that he works hard for his wage, so the big wide world isn't too much of a shock.

Just keep calm, you can do it. If you need to send the youngest 2 over for a bitsmile

ReallyTired Fri 25-Jul-08 13:45:22

I would not rant and rave at her. Teenagers tend not listen

I would quietly tell her that I was deeply disappointed in her and that I was really sad that she abused her parent's trust. I would ask (calmly) why she was dishonest and has stooped so low.

Prehaps you can discuss legal ways of getting money. Maybe she can sell some of her old toys to make up the debt.

Or ground her until she has made up the debt and you are confiden that she is not going to be thief again.

2manykidsNobraincells Fri 25-Jul-08 21:08:24

I didn't let her out 2 day and made her come everywhere with me so she was v bored. She just doesn't seem to realise how much she has disapointed me even though i've repeatedly told her i am. I'm still keep getting loads of lip and vaguely doing chores in which i have set her 2 do! mmmmmmmmm does this phase ever pass i keep telling myself it will and i'm trying so hard not 2 lose it and start rantin at her but its hard

ReallyTired Fri 25-Jul-08 21:31:36

What is precious to her? Ie. For example, if she had a Nintendo Wii, or some favourite DVDs or favourite Cds and stole money from you again could punish her by selling it on EBay.

You could take what money is needed to repay the debt and then give her the left over money.

I think you would have to make it clear that if she steals again this is what you would do. It would be unfair to inflict a harsh punishment without warning. If you chose to go down this sort of line then you would have carry out an threat made.

mumeeee Sat 26-Jul-08 18:55:32

an eleven year old does not need £10 a week. when mine were 11 they had about £1.50 a week but I paid fopr bus fares and trips. When they started year 10 about 14.5 they were given £25 a month and were expected to pay for things themselves including going out clothes. I still paid school bus fares and trips and aslo paid for any clubs. DD3 now gets £30 a month and she even manages to top her phone from this.

mumeeee Sat 26-Jul-08 18:59:12

Sorry that was not very helpful. Just tell her you will stop her from going out if she steals again. She sems to be having a lot of freedom for an 11 year old I would check where she is going and if she says she is going with her mates Mum them check with the Mum/
At 11 my children were still doing a lot of things with me or with the family.

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