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Why is it that proponents of 'controlled' crying think they're the emotional powerhouses of the parenting world?

(76 Posts)
MrsThierryHenry Wed 23-Jul-08 21:36:33

I've now heard one too many people boasting to me that the reason I refuse to use controlled crying when DS has sleep problems is that I'm apparently 'not strong enough' (I say 'boasting' because they clearly see themselves as emotional He-Men). So far, every time I've heard this I've swallowed hard and restrained myself from saying 'actually the reason I refuse to subject my child to such treatment is that I think it's cruel'. Maybe I should say that next time. I mean, which is harder - walking out of the door for 1.5 hours and switching on the radio downstairs so you can't hear your toddler screaming their lungs dry and thrashing their little bodies against the cot? Or going back every five minutes to soothe, reassure and calm them down?

As far as I can see, when you have a child, you're going to have sleep traumas at some point, but there's a choice as to who experiences the most trauma: parent or child. You can either offload the stress onto your months-old child by abandoning them to cry it alone, or as a parent you can accept that you are the one with the emotional resources to handle stress, and so support them through it. So again I ask, which approach requires more strength?

bluewolf Wed 23-Jul-08 21:38:50

My approach. Arm wrestle aforementioned child. If it wins it can stay up, if you win it goes to bed.

theSuburbanDryad Wed 23-Jul-08 21:38:57

The trouble is, if you say to someone, "I can't do cc because I think it's cruel," then you are essentially calling them cruel, heartless bastards of parents.

Best not to comment, IME. Smile, nod and ignore!

Cammelia Wed 23-Jul-08 21:39:21

I'm with you MrsTH and I would go further as to say your approach applies throughout your child's life.

TwoWashTutter Wed 23-Jul-08 21:39:45

er, i don't


TwoWashTutter Wed 23-Jul-08 21:40:24


judgeyjudgeyjudgey judge


kiskidee Wed 23-Jul-08 21:47:15

I don't know if you cosleep but i did with dd1.

My CC advocate friend's nose went right out of joint when I reminded her that human babies have slept with their parents since the dawn of time and I will stick with the tried and tested method.

MrsThierryHenry Wed 23-Jul-08 21:48:31

Bluewolf - have you written a book on that approach? I think you're onto a winner!

Suburban - that's why I've never said it before! But if they think it's okay to call me an emotional weakling, maybe it's time I stopped pulling my punches?

TwoWash...if it's so boring, why are you here?!!

slim22 Wed 23-Jul-08 21:50:01

i'm with you too. totally.

theSuburbanDryad Wed 23-Jul-08 21:51:41

shock Did someone actually say that to you MrsTH? How rude! Me and my friends tend to pussyfoot around each other, all accepting that we're trying to do the best for our children and don't criticise each other.

Tis v boring. It's why I go on MN.

MrsThierryHenry Wed 23-Jul-08 21:56:57

Suburban - hahaha! Yes, we all do the same over here (except for an annoying 2 MIL...grrr). We don't actually say anything evil to each other, but we obviously think it!

kiskidee Wed 23-Jul-08 21:57:05

my dh, ex royal marine and semi prof rugby player, never gave cosleeping a thought before it became a reality in his life. He lost all respect for the man down the road when he proudly referred to CC as 'tough love'. His thinking was how does a 6 mo old learn anything from 'tough love'.

MrsThierryHenry Wed 23-Jul-08 21:59:42

Kiskidee - we did co-sleep, we combined it with the 5 minute treatment (well, that only came in after 10 months). As for 'tough love', I spit in the face of it!

<glances round furtively> don't tell anyone on this thread here


lizinthesticks Wed 23-Jul-08 22:00:02

We do a bit of both. How's that for consistency? If we can be arsed, we go up and have a shufty, if not - tough.

I jest. Kinda.

If one of em's goin apesh*t then we probably will swoop up, sharpish like. If only to stop em wakin t'other. But, even when we only had one, we did usually pile up there to see where the fire was. Thing is though she was 95% of the time really good and leaving her for 15 mins normally saw her give up and pretty much sleep through.

I have to say though that I would - COULD - never leave a baby/toddler/child to cry for an hour. Probably not even 1/2 an hour. It just seems wrong somehow. I guess you either feel that way or you don't.

Heated Wed 23-Jul-08 22:02:31

So again I ask, why feel the need to guilt trip parents? We do a good enough job ourselves.

FAQ Wed 23-Jul-08 22:04:08

<<<<<<<Thinks someone doesn't know the difference between CC and CIO>>>>>>>>> one of which is cruel, the other can be a life saver (IMO)

eenybeeny Wed 23-Jul-08 22:05:28

It takes a lot of strength to continue to love and comfort a crying child. Especially when it is relentless and goes on and on. I have always responded to my son's needs, not any other persons childcare theories. Sometimes this has meant letting him cry for a few minutes because he clearly needs to wind down on his own. And sometimes this has meant staying awake and rocking him while singing the wheels on the bleedin bus for 2 hours. He is not spoiled and I dont believe tough love applies at this age.

I do a little of this, a little of that, when it comes to parenting. My theory is simply that parenting gurus come and go with the decade but a childs needs have remained the same for millenia. So I take advice on board, tune out the BS and carry on doing exactly what I want to do. Sometimes I make the wrong choice. But mostly I havent because my son is happy and healthy and we are all in one piece.

That was a bit of a waffle!!

Just wanted to say - I dont buy it that CC = strength. Nor does AP. UNCONDITIONAL and constant LOVE demands strength.

Twiglett Wed 23-Jul-08 22:05:44

by the power of greyskull

judgement goes both ways in OP

slim22 Wed 23-Jul-08 22:06:30

<<disgust>> at ignorant crude "tough love" comment by neighbour.

theSuburbanDryad Wed 23-Jul-08 22:07:02

Tbh, I think if CC works for you, then great. I don't know anyone in RL who did it before 8-9 months and by that time they were practically hallucinating with exhaustion! Co-sleeping wouldn't have worked for them. I don't see a need to get worked up or judgy about either approach.

slim22 Wed 23-Jul-08 22:08:00

what's CIO?

theSuburbanDryad Wed 23-Jul-08 22:08:07

<<Applauds eeny>>

fishie Wed 23-Jul-08 22:08:18

mrsth i have never met anyone who has admitted to leaving their their child to cry for 1.5 hours. what sort of people are you meeting? time to change p&t group.

MrsThierryHenry Wed 23-Jul-08 22:08:34

FAQ, what's CIO? Never heard of it.

I should probably clarify here that the friend who recently claimed I wasn't 'strong enough' did leave her child for 1.5 hours shock!

Heated - my issue here is the claim of some parents that they're stronger because they do cc and that all non-cc parents are weaker. I've never told a parent that I'm stronger than them because I do abcxyz with my child, yet I know several cc fans who've had no problem with claiming I'm weak. I think it's fair enough for me to be more than a little cheesed off with that.

Thinkstoomuch Wed 23-Jul-08 22:09:29

A friend who tried CC was saying how hard it was and how you have to stay strong and see it through (echoing our health visitor - grrr). I admit I had to say 'but if it feels so wrong isn't that because it is wrong?' How can it be right for a parent to be standing outside the room with frazzled nerves but 'staying strong', and the baby to be desperately crying for its mum?

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