Am I right to be cross or am I an overprotective control freak?

[mankymummy]

exP had DS (nearly 3) for the first time ever overnight on his own, away from my house and away from me, at his girlfriends house last weekend.

before i agreed to it, exP told me he had known her for years through mutual friends (that i trust) and had been seeing her for a few months.

he also agreed that this was to be a regular thing so that DS would have some routine stability.

i have now found out that he met this lady only a couple of weeks before he had DS. He met her on holiday and has not even discussed with her the possibility of having DS there again let alone every month.

I am cross about the fact he lied and also that DS may now not be able to go and stay every time he sees daddy, which is what I have told him.

Am I in the right to be mad?

[Anna8888]

There is nothing you can do about it really. It is perfectly reasonable for your exP to want to have his DS over night. Obviously you feel uneasy about it, but you will get used to it - and even enjoy the break, in good time. And be pleased that your DS has a relationship with his father.

[mankymummy]

i'm more than happy for him to have DS overnight but I dont want him to be dragged from pillar to post here there and everywhere each time or to have him overnight one month and then not again for ages.

[Anna8888]

I think you need to have some kind of routine about overnight stays or your DS will it difficult to build a normal routine with his father.

I understand that you don't like your DS staying at your exP's GF's house, but is it really so awful for your DS? Did he tell you about it?

[mankymummy]

sorry i dont think i explained very well.

routine is exactly what i want.

i said to exP that i didnt want him to have DS overnight at her house last weekend if the relationship wasnt going to last (as far as he knew) and if it was just a one off.

When he started to have DS overnight it needed to be a regular thing and in one place so he got used to it.

I was happy when i heard it was to be with his GF because she has kids of her own and felt more reassured than if ExP had DS on his own.

I'm just annoyed that it turns out to be just a showing DS off exercise that is unlikely to be repeated, especially as when I was preparing DS to go I told him he would be going there every month if he enjoyed it.

[Anna8888]

Why is it unlikely to be repeated? What are your arrangements re contact? Is it time to revise them now that your DS is getting older and more independent?

[sheepgomeep]

you have every right to be mad that your ex has lied.

But your ds needs a relationship with his father even though it may mean staying at his gf house.

I have been there and I know how hard it is for you. I found it very hard to let my children go to his new gf house especially as he left me for her. But I did and I'm glad. The kids have a good relationship with thier dad now.

and I enjoy the break?

Can you meet her and suss her out for yourself maybe? put your mind at rest.

[sheepgomeep]

ah right sorry things a bit clearer now.

[pedilia]

Does he not have his own place or do they live together?

[mankymummy]

i think its unlikely to be repeated because he has now said (despite having said before it was all ok) that he doesnt want to ask her if its ok to have him every month because he doesnt want to put pressure on her.

never mind that he's going to let DS down if he cant stay there next time and for times after that.

i have spoken to her via text and she seems nice, i'm not worried about her. infact i feel a bit embarrassed on behalf of exP that he obviously hasnt been upfront with her.

[mankymummy]

he lives in another country and stays with friends when he comes over to visit but there is no room for DS to stay there.

he doesnt live with GF, he only met her a few weeks ago.

[Romy7]

so, agree with exP that he will come to your house one weekend a month, you move out, he moves in. voila.
course, his gf might come too - but it could work if you've got someplace to visit...
would need a few ground rules - but then ds can go with his dad wherever he lives in the summer for a week/ fortnight...

[mankymummy]

I tried that Romy but he ended up just taking the p*ss, eating everything out of the freezer and fridge and cupboards. running up the phone bill, leaving the house in an absolute state....

i got very stressed, tried talking to him about it, he agreed he was being out of order but then just did the same thing the next month.

[Romy7]

get him to pay rent and food in advance?
eek.
b and b down the road?

[mankymummy]

he is very wealthy but the most tightfisted git you can imagine. he could BUY a hotel if he wanted but has consistently refused to rent a room where DS could stay.

im not sure why im whinging on here to be honest there is nothing i can do about it is there?

i just feel so that I have built it up for DS and promised him something that will probably not happen and he'll be upset and think i've lied to him.

[Mimsy2000]

fair enough to be annoyed that he lied to you. you're not being overprotective - i'd have the same reaction as you, esp with a 3 year old [still a little one!]

[Romy7]

have you got a proper access agreement drawn up? perhaps it's time to do it now ds is getting old enough to understand whether he sees his daddy or not...
maybe get it drawn up properly and specifying that xp will provide suitable accomodation near to your house at his own expense one weekend a month etc etc?

might be time to put it on a more formal footing for ds's sake.

[mankymummy]

no Romy i havent, perhaps that would be a good idea. im just concerned that if i do that then he will feel forced to take him and end up in inconsistent and unsuitable accommodation and he'll just lie to me about where he's taking him...

thanks mimsy...

[Romy7]

not sure, but i think you can be quite specific about the accom in the agreement - course, you'd still have the hassle of trusting him to keep to it, but if you are dropping ds off and collecting him, then you do keep the ultimate veto...

[mankymummy]

justabout... i do see your point about it being his choice where he takes him but surely its not too much to expect him to have him in the same place consistently?

anniemac... i think he does need to "ask" his girlfriends permission seeing as its her house DS will be staying at...

[Romy7]

i think justabout was saying that you have no real say without an access agreement, not that it wouldn't be preferable either way...

tbh, i'd leave the gf right out of it - you have no way of knowing whether they are going to be together long term or not - the agreement needs to be between your xp and you as to where is the most sensible place for him to see his son. and then to get it drawn up officially - otherwise there is the danger that he'll take the piss for the most important years of your sons wee life...

[mankymummy]

yup... so control freak it is then?!!!! .