Why no invites to any Nursery Parties?!!

[zippyb]

I am probably stressing over this way too much but just want to ponder this on line! My 4 year old DS has been in Nursery since last January and apart from a few hiccups has now settled in very well & at the moment actually enjoys going to school. He hasn't been invited to any of his little pals parties and I am sure some of them must have had them! Ok I know that I am not that socially wonderful in the playground but always have a chat with the other mums but I admit I do find it difficult as I am still (at 31!) really shy! When it was my DS Birthday circumstances meant we couldn't hold a party as such so I took a cake into school & party bags for the children in the class. Have noticed a few other mums have also since done this so maybe no one wants to have parties at the moment! Just a bit put out that he hasn't been asked to 1 yet and its his 2nd year in Nursery! Am I on my own with this or am I just a social leper!

[SoupDragon]

I'm sure you're not a social leper!! DS1 only seems to have started getting invites to 4th birthday parties and he's been there since he was 2!

It may be that parents haven't really had parties where "school" friends were invited before as it's difficult to get any sense out of your child as to who their friends are. If your child won't tell you who their "school" friends are, you have little way of knowing who to invite

I have just had that very problem - trying to work out who DS1 wants to invite to his 4th birthday party. It's impossible!

(and I am still shy too and I'm 34)

[Jaybee]

This is always a difficult one. Everyone's budget or house size means that that the number of kids that you invite to parties has to be limited, at 4, I usually invited the kids that I 'knew' - these were probably kids of the Mum's that I had got chatting to, those that had invited mine to their parties and maybe a couple that either ds or dd had spoken about. As you admit that you are shy and have only spoken to limited Mums and that you did not have a party for your ds - that would remove two of the three criteria (in my case) - so he may only get invited to those kids he has become good friends with - and they may not have had parties. I think as the kids get older it is them that specifies the invitation list rather than Mum so he is bound to get more soon.

[zippyb]

Thanks SoupDragon for reply! It is really good to know that it is not just me!! Think I am feeling a bit low at moment and am just focusing on this at as it saves me from thinking about all the other stuf!! Being shy is awful & I am trying not to let it being 'passed' on to DS - oh being a mum is hard isn't?

[Katherine]

DS never got invited to parties at nursery. I used to worry it was cos his birthday was in the summer holidays so never invited anyone to his, but to be honest I used to invite people I knew rather than his friends as at this age its often quite hard to identify WHO his actual friends are. DD will be starting soon and I'm not expecting her to go to any either. I think at nursery age a formal party is a bit much for most mums. If its any comfort DS started school this term and has already been to one party so I'm sure its age rather than any personal factors.

[zippyb]

Thanks Katherine & Batters - really makes me feel that I am not alone in this! I know we all want the same things for our children - to be happy & well liked. I am going to be 'brave' & try to arrange a play date for DS soon - just wish I had more confidence & then I wouldn't worry so much!

[Jaybee]

Could you have a word with one of the nursery teachers to find out which children your ds tends to play with, try and work out which ones they are and try and start up a conversation with one of the Mum's, try and spot one that seems to be in a similar position to you, i.e. dops of child at nursery and then heads home, try to avoid any of the group of Mum's who are chatting away together and have probably known each other since antenatal class. A simple line such as 'oh this is Junior, I understand from the teacher that he and ds are becoming friends'.

[zippyb]

Thanks jaybee - very useful tip - think I will try that.

[Katherine]

Also if you want want to throw your own party and want to invite DS friends but don't know who they are, just ask one of the staff members. I did this with DS and they were v. helpful although I never got around to organising the party as would have had to plan it well before the summer holidays and I'm ust not that well organised. Hopefully this year will have visited the houses of all DSs friends for their parties already so can hand deliver invites at the right time.

[Tinker]

You're definitely not alone worrying about this. Even into Reception, I felt my daughter didn't get many invites but heard about other parties. She wasn't remotely bothered (or didn't appear to be) but I felt hurt on her behalf. But this year she has been invited to virtually all the parties there have been. I think most early parties are children known to the mothers and where I live, I think a lot of the mothers have known each other since their own schooldays.

But once they establish their own friendships, it all changes!

[ANNIE1]

Hi, definitely think the whole party thing is very stressful! At nursery (and earlier) who gets invited to parties depends on who the mum knows so if my dd doesn't get invited, I'm devastated-they don't like ME!!!!

[zippyb]

Yes you are so right!! I feel rejected & feel it must be my fault if DS does not get invites - the social politics of the school yard are a complete mystery to me - really tempted to just rush DS into school a little later just to avoid standing there wondering who I should try to chat to! And I thought the hard part was getting pregnant & coping with a new born!!!

[CAM]

No zippy, the big wide world is far crueller!!

[RagDoll]

You are probably worrying unnecessarily. Maybe you have started a trend at playgroup of just having partybags ... I am sure he will get invited to a party soon but a good way to ensure this is to have one yourself, and invite his friends home - it doesnt have to be a birthday party, a tea one afternoon, or wait till the summer and invite some mums and children for a play (a great way to make friends for both of you). Bear in mind though that when they do start having birthday parties its not always possible to invite every single child and you shouldnt take it personally if your son is not invited! If it helps, my nephew age 3, has only been to about 2 parties thus far so maybe people arent holding them that young yet!

[tigermoth]

just to turn this around a little, can I post a message to any party-givers:

Please don't invite most of the class, leaving out just a few. And don't hold the party in a popular public place.

An 8 year old boy in my son's year held a football party for the boys in his class - he invited about 10 and left out 4, including my son. My ds wasn't too upset at the time - football is not his favourite sport. On the day of the party we went to our local leisure centre swimming pool. The pool was unexpectedly closed for an hour so we ended up in the cafe within feet of the football party goers nearing the end of their post match tea. My son was so downcast seeing his friends enjoying themselves and shouting hellos to him. He refused to leave the cafe, even though I tried to drag him away.

The adult hosts of the party, who do know us, totally blanked us. I will put that down to their embarassment. However it wouldn't have hurt to have offered my son a bit of the birthday cake would it? It was obvious my son was upset. I left feeling very cross with them.

[Fleabag]

Yeah BUT - why take him to the party venue in the first place ? Predictable outcome I'm afraid.

[tigermoth]

ha ha - because we didn't know! absolute coincidence! If the swimming pool hadn't been closed, we would not have gone to the cafe in the first place.

[Jaybee]

Tigermoth - I would imagine that the parents just had to restrict numbers to stick to a budget, the parties at our local leisure centre cost around £7.00 per person, so the 10 she invited plus the birthday child plus probably a sibling would cost £84.00 - it may seem easy to just invite the other 4 but that is a further £28.
Saying that I do try and invite either just a few or the whole lot. Last year dd had just gone into reception, most of her class had been to the school nursery but there were about 6 who had not - we had a disco so the extra 6 would not cost much extra so we just invited the whole class. It was also a good way to get to know the 'new' parents.

[bossykate]

oooh, tigermoth, i agree! when i was small my mother said how awful it would be to leave someone out and we had to invite the whole class or no-one at all...

[bossykate]

my family were not fabulously wealthy btw - we used to have parties at home with an entertainer (usually), not the lavish entertainment expected by the sophisticated kids of today... jumpers for goalposts...

[Frieda]

Tigermoth ? that must have been extremely hurtful for you (on your ds's behalf) ? though with luck he'll have forgotten about it soon enough. Cr**p of the other boy's parents, though ? hope they do feel embarrassed, they certainly deserve to. I remember, though, when 2 mums from my NCT group held a joint 3rd birthday party at a leisure-centre type venue, and my ds wasn't invited because all the others had siblings and they'd reached their quota allowed (safety regs or something). They were too cowardly to say anything, and just avoided broaching the subject, so when I found out about the party I was sorely tempted to turn up with ds and press our noses up against the glass outside just to make them feel bad!
Sadly, life is full of these little injustices. I think all you can do is make sure you do what's fair and set an example to your kids about the right way to behave.

[Fleabag]

You guys are weird !!! I wouldn't dream of exposing my DD to something she was specifically excluded from - seems very cruel to me ! If I'd have come across the party like Tigermoth did, albeit accidentally, I'd have been out of there like a shot before dd had had a chance to notice the party - and certainly wouldn't consider turning up and peering through a window !!!

If you're not invited you're not invited and no matter how that makes you feel you can't change it ! Why upset the kids and put the parents insuch an embarassing position ????

[Marina]

Tigermoth, of all the unfortunate coincidences, I'm so sorry for your son. I don't think anyone who knows you on here would ever imagine you'd deliberately put him through that embarrassment just to make a point. Amazing how many threads on here point to these supposedly celebratory events causing grief to everyone: hosts, guests and those left out.
I hated going to birthday parties when I was little and didn't much like hosting them either. So it was a relief to not be invited to most of them and be able to just go and do something fun with a couple of special friends (trip to cinema, amazing first visit to the ballet, etc).

[Frieda]

Oh, for heaven?s sake, Fleabag. Of course I wasn't actually going to peer through a window! Just an illustration of how I felt at the time.

[Fleabag]

Frieda - Whatever !!