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Parenting

I have been kicked this morning and hit this afternoon

85 replies

itati · 17/07/2008 17:06

I feel like such a wimp

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forevercleaning · 17/07/2008 17:07

oh dear, tell all

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slim22 · 17/07/2008 17:08

?????????
By a hyperactive toddler or a partner?

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itati · 17/07/2008 17:23

Son
Age 7
Not the first time
Been lovely when I picked him from school and at the park
Kicked off when I started spelling something out for him I had said I would write. (Was making tea at the time)

I have shouted a lot and feel so annoyed with myself

Has encouraged DS2. age 3, to say he wants me killed

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juuule · 17/07/2008 18:26

Why did he kick this morning?

When he hit you what did you do? Don't give him the opportunity to be encouraging the 3yo to be saying such things about you.

I'd have pulled him to one side and had a 'discussion' (I probably bore the pants off my children )

If you said you would write something for him could you have given him the choice of waiting until you had time later or you spelling it for him now?

Don't get down about this, it happens.

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itati · 17/07/2008 18:50

He kicked me when I pulled him away after he kicked his brother.

I put him on the step for hitting me.

I started to spell it for him, it was quicker than waiting for me to finish and I thought would give him writing practise, but he decided to call me a liar instead.

He lied to his dad about what he told his brother to say. Made it up apaprently, at all of 3!

I can't believe how naughty, rude, defiant and cheeky my 3 year old is being. He just told me he will kill me because I told him to lie still while I put his nappy on.

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slim22 · 17/07/2008 21:33

poor you!

They can really loose it can't they?

First don't worry about 3 year old. He's just siding with your eldest and aping him. he does not yet understand what it;s all about.

I think 7 year old is way off the mark. Yes it happens but it sounds like this is not an isolated event.
Is it? What did his dad do about it?
Dad should set really strict example on how mummy is spoken to/treated.

We are just out of a little phase with DS (4). Boys will be boys and he's into fighting/killing/etc...
He would suddenly decide he's a villain and start thrashing the house and beating me "for pretend" not understanding limits.

His dad stepped in and is now teaching him about martial arts and this little role playing teaches him its perfectly ok to want to be violent but not ok to use it indiscriminately.
7 years old is old enough to understand what frustration and violent pulsions are and that mummy (women/people at large) are not training dummies.
DS 2 will just follow if DS1 leads by example.

If you can, try and provide opportunities for very physical play every afternoon before tea (run outside, trampoline,swimming) to let off steam.

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lizinthesticks · 18/07/2008 07:04

"its perfectly ok to want to be violent"

Wtf.

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OneLieIn · 18/07/2008 07:06

agree, wtf? Violence or wanting to be violent is never acceptable.

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Flamesparrow · 18/07/2008 07:08

Surely it is better to understand that feelings of violence (not doing them) are normal to many people, than saying even thinking it is wrong?

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OneLieIn · 18/07/2008 07:12

itati, I have a 5yo DS who gets frustrated and angry and would love to bite / hit / kick especially his sister.

I wrote a family law, along the lines of..
"We are a family. In our family we do not
hit, bite, punch, kick or hurt each other. In our family we are always kind, share ..'

Sure you get the idea. Anyway, got them all (including DH) to sign it. When they are naughty I march them in front of it and make them read it or recite it. They HATE doing this. They think if you don't obey the law, you won't be in the family (little do they know we are together forever).

BTW, last time DS bit me (a long time ago) I told him about what would happen if he bit a stranger. I then put him in the car and drove him to the police station, I got him our of the car and at this point he was sobbing uncontrollably. Trust me, he has never ever bitten me again.

I would recommend both - violent behaviour is not acceptable. They wouldn't do it to strangers, they shouldn't do it to you.

Awful little sods sometimes, aren't they??

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OneLieIn · 18/07/2008 07:14

Its about managing the feelings flamesparrow - I don't think you feel violent, you want to be violent maybe because you feel frustrated, angry, whatever.

Kids need to recognise the feeling (anger, frustration) and learn to deal with them in a different way.

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 18/07/2008 07:22

I am kicked punched (usually in the face) and pinched on a daily basis at the moment.

Am covered in bruises. It is bloody exhausting. Sympathies.

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AbbeyA · 18/07/2008 07:25

I wouldn't worry about the little one, he is only copying, however you need to tackle the older one, his behaviour is not acceptable.
I would sit down with him and his father and make it very plain that it is not tolerated. Tell him it is your house, you pay the bills and he has to follow your rules until he is old enough to leave home and do it his way.

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itati · 18/07/2008 08:01

Just skimmed as DS1 being mean to DD.

He has just lost his temper when I said he had to let his brother in his room (the duplo was there and he wanted some) and so DS1 smashed up the fantastic duplo pyramid he had made and then wrecked something he had made at school. He has a temper and this is what he does. Normally I take things away he has made that he is spoiling but I just took DS2 and went away.

DS1 is now throwing duplo atr his sister and beinf mean so I had better go.

Thanks for all your suggestions. I will be making notes later.

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Nighbynight · 18/07/2008 08:26

Id join the 7 yr old in martial arts classes to learn to control the violence.
dont personally think it will do any good to tell him that his desire to be violent is wrong. My sons like "violent" play. that is to say, with me it's unacceptably violent, but with their father or elder brother, it's just wrestling.
I tell them that mummy is fragile, and does not do fighting.

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juuule · 18/07/2008 08:34

itati - that sounds normal to me. My ds used to destroy his things when he got upset. Get your dd out of his way and let him cool down.

Somehow I think you need to find a way not to take childish behaviour too personally and to be able to remain calm most of the time. You also need to find a way to help your son to calm down when he gets frustrated. You have said in previous posts that you were an excellent nanny. If you take the emotional aspect of these being your children out of the equation could you transfer some of your nanny skills to your home situation? (although children do tend to save the not so nice behaviour for parents, so you would probably have to do a lot of deep breathing before you react).

Hope things get better as the day goes on.

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ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/07/2008 08:39

A desire to be violent is perfectly normal and healthy. 7 year old boys are not 7 month old babies, no matter how much we would like them to be, and to force them to suppress anger is storing trouble for the future.

What is NOT normal and healthy is allowing huge outbursts of violence towards people and treasured objects.

I suggest getting him a punchbag for the garden, and a hefty punishment next time he raises his hand to you. Do you use smacking as a punishment? Now might be the time to stop.

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AbbeyA · 18/07/2008 08:45

I agree that if he has feelings of violence he needs to express them, but that means management of his anger and not taking it out on people or treasured possessions. Martial arts seems a good way to go.

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slim22 · 18/07/2008 10:10

Why take an isolated quote that is totally in contradiction with the whole post?

of course it's perfectly ok to acknowledge they have these pulsions.
How would they learn to manage their anger if they don't acknowledge it in the first place?

Agree with nighbynight. There is nothing wrong with the oulsion to be violent itself, you can't suppress that. It's how they act upon it.
What do you propose to stop the chemistry in their little bodies? lobotomy?

Also agree martial arts are fab. DS is only 4.5 but really into it and very respectful of his master and how he uses his skills now.

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lizinthesticks · 18/07/2008 10:16

"A desire to be violent is perfectly normal and healthy."

That's pretty glib, as it stands. I would have to ask about frequency and intensity before I could even begin to agree with that. It MIGHT be 'normal' to occasionally feel extremely frustrated. And this may lead to a desire to be aggressive. But it's another qualitative step again to get from this to violence. So no. Unless you're working with a quite elastic and wide notion of "violent" I personally can't possibly agree with the idea that a desire to be violent is perfectly normal and healthy.

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slim22 · 18/07/2008 10:55

lizinthesticks, lets not overanalize.

We are talking about 5 year olds throwing a tantrum at the witching hour, not psychotic behaviour of course.

Itati, sorry for the highjack. Hope your DH can step in and help.

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lizinthesticks · 18/07/2008 11:10

Yes true. Wouldn't want to go beyond the superficial would we? That would never do.

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slim22 · 18/07/2008 11:16

suit yourself.

When it comes to tantrums, de-dramatizing works best for us.

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itati · 18/07/2008 11:27

I bought him a punch bag and explained what it was for. I reminded him about it and he said he hates it. I have never seen him use it since the day we got it, never mind for what I had intended it for.

Lack of funds stops us doing any classes at the moment but we will just have to find a way.

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slim22 · 18/07/2008 12:03

Don't let it get to you. I know It's exhausting dealing with those "I hate it" comments on top of the physicality.

Sorry to be a pain but I have to ask again, how involved is DH?
It just made a world of difference when my DH started to be more involved in the evening routine (and generally that's what I noticed around me).
You may just need a break as you are your son's main outlet to vent out at the end of the day?

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