Would you let him go?

[flashingnose]

I know there's been a very similar thread to this (and I've looked coddy, I just can't find it ) so apologies in advance.

Last night, after being warned that he would miss the end of a programme because he needed a bath, ds totally lost it when I switched the TV off (he's 6). Lots of pushing, shouting, total disobedience. He was warned that if he carried on, he wouldn't be allowed to go to Beavers tonight. Sure enough, he carried on and so was told that he wouldn't be going.

Of course, this morning he's very sorry and is desperate to go. I knew this would happen and DH and I discussed it last night and our inclination is to stand firm.

Would you?

[jampots]

no beavers !

[northstar]

I'd stand firm.

[emmatmg]

I would stand firm but my DH would let him go.


not much help, sorry.

[secur]

Message withdrawn

[RTKangaMummy]

yes

DH and I have done this before.

If you let him go there wasnt any point in saying it IMHO

so what would happen next time

he would know you werent serious.

[flashingnose]

His behaviour's been degenerating for a while, so I really feel we should follow this one through. Trouble is, when they look at you with big eyes like Puss in Boots in Shrek 2....

[charliecat]

I wouldnt let him go...so that next time hes about to go into a temper about something you can remind him of the time he missed beavers...might sober him up a bit.
If you let him go he will know you say things that you dont mean and if he looks at you sweetly you'll let him get away with it...
Dont say it if you dont think you will follow it through.
He will be ok without one night of beavers...

[popsycal]

Dont let him go

[flashingnose]

Good. There will be lots of firm standing in the flashingnose house tonight. Thank you

[northstar]

On tv last night -
One of the comments by the daughter of the first woman sent to prison for daughters truancy, when asked did her mother not try to make her go to school was "yeah but she never means what she says"

[Gwenick]

I agree don't let him go

[triceratops]

IMO you have to stick to your word with children so that they know where they stand. However when you are dealing with a frustrating and maddening behavior from your little angel it is easy to make threats that you dont want to carry out. You are going to be in the wrong either way with this one, thats parenting for you

[NameChangingMancMidlander]

No. You told him that if he carried on behaving badly then he wouldn't be allowed to go to Beavers. He blatantly ignored the threat and continued to behave badly, therefore no beavers.

STAND FIRM

Giving in gives out totally the wrong message. Kids need to know that you will act on your promises and your threats.

[Angeliz]

Afraid not

If you stick to your guns this time he'll know you mean it next time. It's awful though isn't it??

[Blu]

My niece has been a complete diva in this way - behaves badly, offers the most heartrending apology on the brink of the 'sentencing' - and repeats the whole thing 2 days later. An apology after the event isn't what you're after - it's a change in behaviour!

[binkie]

Yes, agree with all, stand firm.

It's a very good thing he is so desperate to go, really. It means he's taken it on board, and this lesson about consequences will be something he remembers. The time to worry is if he shrugs off the "sentence" (I like that, Blu, much better than "punishment" somehow) & says he didn't want to go anyway.

Did you choose "no Beavers" as the sanction on the spur of the moment, and would you yourself rather he be going?

[Gobbledigook]

Eek - I know you should stand firm...it's hard...yes, stand firm!!

Always really annoying though if you are witholding something that, ok, they love, but also is quite good for them! I almost starting using 'no swimming' but it's a swimming lesson and I don't want him to miss them so I've had to find something else to bribe with!

[lowcalCOD]

aaah poor beaver fn!

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

You absolutely have to stand firm, no matter how you feel. Consistency is what works and as has been said before, if you back down now then your DS will not believe you next time. It's mixed messages that cause problems.

[soapbox]

I wouldn't but I might just be a softie and find something nicer than usual to do at home.

E.g. video night, baking cakes etc.

Anything really so that I didn't have to spend all evening looking at a crumpled whiney face

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

sorry soapbox I have to disagree with you. You can't replace a punishment with a treat. The point of not going to Beavers and doing something he enjoys is to show him the direct consequence of his actions. If he gets a treat instead, well then there's no point in the punishment. I know it seems harsh, but it's all about consistency.

[wordsmith]

No, you have to stand firm on things like this otherwise he will get the wrong message. My DS1's favourite thing in the whole world is watching his videos/DVDs, and if he misbehaves badly that's his punishment - no videos/DVDs for [specified period of time - either 24 hours or a week]. ONce he knows he's not getting them till the weekend of whatever, he accepts it. He knows we won't back down even though he does ask for them every 2 hours or so.

Sometimes DH loses it and says "right, that's it, you're not coming on holiday/going to nanny's/going to X's party" which is a bit daft because they're threats that simply can't be carried out! DS1 knows this and just laughs when he says it!

[soapbox]

I know but sometimes watching their teary little faces and putting up with the moaning makes it seem more of a punishment for me than for them!

I wouldn't make it a big treat, just more of a diversion IYSWIM

[binkie]

I can see Soapbox's angle - and think that what you choose as diversion could itself help to reinforce the sense of consequences. We had to carry out something similar yesterday - cancelled going to a birthday party because of some seriously bad behaviour at school - and then instead of having an ordinary afternoon/evening I had ds try to show me how good he could be by doing science workbook stuff, which is not punishment - he enjoys it - but it is very obviously work and not play.

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

oh soapbox close your eyes darling . I know that it's hard. Tell you what next time you get the crying face lock yourself in the kitchen with a bottle of wine and turn up the stereo. Amazing how quickly you get over it!