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Why don't I just say what I mean

(13 Posts)
OurHamsterisevil Fri 11-Jul-08 22:48:56

DS1 is 4.11, he goes to a small nursery, only 3 kids in his class. He is friends with both of the other kids obv. The other boy in his class is very badly behaved, mainly IMO down to his Mother not disciplining in any way.

Anyway she phoned today to ask if DS could go round to play. I found myself making excuses as to why we are busy for the forseeable future. Why can't I just say that I don't like the way her DS behaves and the way she doesn't deal with it and don't want my DS to copy him.

Why am I a pathetic wuss? Should I tell her

mamasaid Fri 11-Jul-08 22:54:16

Maybe you could invite her ds round instead and then you can have more say over how you deal with his behaviour. SOunds like whatever you do, if he's the only other boy around for your ds to play with you are just delaying the inevitable.

looopy Fri 11-Jul-08 23:00:13

Thats a hard one...I've recently pushed someone away who has shouted at my DS twice when she thought he was hurting her DD which IMO normal toddler behaviour of which I was dealing with. She apologised to me on both occasions but I must admit I did what you did and just made excuses and then didn't follow up on promises to text soon. Whiilst I feel justified not putting my DS in an environment where he may be shouted at, I do feel guilty for just blanking her.

Not sure what would be gained telling her straight it may just cause offence.

Is it a case that her DS behaviour will improve in time and that making excuses for a while will be enough. I have another friend who DS went through a terrible stage and is now just lovely, I'm so glad in hindsight that I didn't judge her harshly and found some tolerance.

OurHamsterisevil Fri 11-Jul-08 23:00:27

My DS does have plenty of other friends to play with in the village. They are also starting school in August and will be in a larger mixed class. I find this child totally awful to be around, I havetruly tried to find aredeeming feature in him and can't. My problem with his behaviour goes back to mother and toddler group where he used to go around battering all the other children while she did nothing

OurHamsterisevil Fri 11-Jul-08 23:02:20

I think thats partly what it is Looopy. If I am direct then it will make being at the school gate awkward, nit just for us but other parents too. It is a small school so not easy to get lost in the crowd of other parents IYSWIM

mamasaid Fri 11-Jul-08 23:05:49

That's tough - I had something similar in my toddler group and i never had the nerve to say anything about it. The little boy has now grown up (now 4) into a sweet kid so in my case it worked out okay. My much stronger friend (whose ds was routinely picked on) did speak to the mother about it and that kind of ruined their relationship for a long time. That said, if you don't like the kid and there are options coming up for other friends and a bigger class soon, maybe the best thing is just to keep a distance for the next month.

looopy Fri 11-Jul-08 23:07:42

Might be worth hanging it out until August (just a few weeks) as it maybe that being at school will provide the structure this child needs and things might improve. Also your DS will, i imagine, form his own friends and hopefully steer clear himself. Although I'm guessing a bit here my parenting experience only extends to the age of 2 so far. smile

OurHamsterisevil Fri 11-Jul-08 23:11:34

I am hoping DS will move away from this friendship as he dgoes into school. Before they started nursery together DS was actually frightened of this child, due to behaviour at toddlers, if only they were at a bigger school they never wouldhave been friends, but there was no option for the past two years of nursery unfortunately.

mamasaid Fri 11-Jul-08 23:12:04

i don't think you're being pathetic. I think you need to be careful of causing offence especially in a small community. and i agree with looopy - his behaviour may well improve at school (that's what happened with the boy I knew)and the problem may sort itself

KerryMum Fri 11-Jul-08 23:12:15

It is called being polite.

looopy Fri 11-Jul-08 23:16:17

Fingers crossed for you, I guess he is learning a life lesson early, I deal with people like the boy you've described at work! Its really really hard. Also hard for you to let DS go knowing the other so and so is there. Hang out til August and see what happens...good luck

OurHamsterisevil Fri 11-Jul-08 23:18:22

THank you all for your comments. THey have made me feel a bit better about things. I do feel that his bahvaiour will improve at school. THe boy needs structure and boundaries.

bigTillyMint Sat 12-Jul-08 09:39:26

I think you are right to be polite and just make excuses - hopefully they will get the message without any scene...

My son (7) is good friends with a boy who is badly behaved, IMO because of the parents. My son is no angel, but although he can see that the other boy is naughty, he still likes him and wants to be his friend. I worry alot about the effect on my son sad, and it is very difficult to be tactful about little friend's behaviour / home-life. Little friend often asks if he can come round to play, but I just make excuses. It feels pretty mean, though sad

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