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Been called into school and its not good news

(54 Posts)
fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 11:41:18

They tell me in the last two weeks my son has become insecure, is loosing his self esteem, is desperate for encouragement and has started lying. Not bad lies but making fantasies up to out do people, such as his dad lives in a castle and its 50 times bigger than anyone elses house.
They told me i should encourage him more. Its funny because out of school everyone tells me i dote on him too much and should not compliment him so often.
They said deep down they think he is a very sad little boy, it has broken my heart. Also they were asking if anything had changed at home in the last two weeks and i can't work out what it could be.
Any ideas on how to get him happy and confident again, i can't bare the thought of him being sad inside. he is 5

StealthMouse Thu 03-Feb-05 11:45:57

Oh poor you I can't imagine how I'd feel if somebody had said the to me. Nothing constructive I'm afraid but just wanted to send some hugs.

Could he have fallen out with someone at school and suddenly not be getting as much attention, have you or a sibling being ill? have you been sad about anything that he mmight have sensed? could he have overheard any conversation that could have been mis-interpretted by him??

Have you asked him if anything is wrong?

Sorry lots of questions - I've never been in your situation so am probably talking complete pap. So will shut my trap and just send {{{hugs}}}

Mothernature Thu 03-Feb-05 11:46:48

I'm sure all little boys go through the 'My dads bigger than your dad', or 'our house is bigger than yours' - perhaps the encouragement that is required is required from school, if thats where hes doing his 'lying', is he struggling with the work they are giving him? is his teacher showing 'any' interest in him? I too would be broken hearted to think that something was wrong at home and I hadn't noticed, I'm sure someone will come on with a good suggestion, I want to make 'you' feel better about it..

NameChangingMancMidlander Thu 03-Feb-05 11:47:13

Oh honey . I really feel for you. i wish I could offer something constructive other than {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Chandra Thu 03-Feb-05 11:47:38

This may help one of the points but not all of them: praise him when he has made the effort to do the things right, but not all the time. Otherwise he may think that your compliments are not so "real?".

It breaks my heart to read your post, DS is very sensitive and two days ago he was the target of bullies for the first time. I felt really bad about it. I am trying to find ways to make him feel better about himself and less shy. I would let you know if I come accross something useful. In the mean time <<<hugs>>> to both of you.

Tessiebear Thu 03-Feb-05 11:48:24

My 4 year old is going through a real confidence crisis in the last few weeks and he is normally soooo confident. Nothing seems to have prompted it but he has just become oversensitive about things. Really sympathise with you as it is difficult to know quite what to do

starlover Thu 03-Feb-05 11:55:18

fairyfly... you should be asking THEM if anything has happened at school.
Has his behaviour changed at home at all? If it is just at school then that would seem to indicate that the problem lies there...
as for lying, or making things up... well ALL kids do that! I was terrible for making things like that up, and when we had to write stories about what we did over the christmas holidays and things mine were just incredible!
Has he had any trouble with friends at school? maybe he is making things up to try and make people like him more?

piffle Thu 03-Feb-05 12:08:19

What differences can you see FF? What does ds say about it?
I have met your little lad and he struck me as a very very likeable charming boy and it easy to see how loved he is.
Maybe as his dad is letting him down sometimes ???(I hope I am not assuming but from what you have said previously) he is trying to big his dad up to make himself feel better?
I do not know if it could be this am just grasping at straws, I know my son has lied about his dad to his friends on occasion as they are never likely to meet him! But just let it slide really, if it made him feel better then who was I to step in...

fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 19:03:33

Message withdrawn

fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 19:04:04

shit i put his name, is that bad??????????

fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 19:04:27

can i get it deleted

JanH Thu 03-Feb-05 19:11:14

Don't worry about the name, FF, there are often posts with names in them.

Like piffle I think your DS1 is a lovely little boy and that you are brilliant with him. I wonder if as well as missing his grandma he has been worrying about her...and you have had words with his dad recently, haven't you, might he have heard any of that?

I agree that this sort of fantasy is absolutely normal for a child this age. Maybe for it to start suddenly is unusual, if he never did it before, and that's why they've noticed it at school.

littlemissbossy Thu 03-Feb-05 19:12:49

ff, email mumsnet to ask them to delete the post if you're worried

lou33 Thu 03-Feb-05 19:32:41

just called mn hq and they are waiting for your email, then they will delete it

fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 19:53:22

yes getting it deleted, thanks jan and piffle , you autamatically blame yourself

weightwatchingwaterwitch Thu 03-Feb-05 19:57:34

Ff, I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you that when I first left ds's dad, when ds was 2, he had a period of not being himself and seemig withdrawn and unhappy. I know he was younger than your ds and it's different but I did get my cheerful boy back in the end, I think he just found it all a bit hard for a bit there. What does ds say if you ask him? Carry on being lovely to him (which I'm sure you will) and I hope this passes soon.

fairyfly Thu 03-Feb-05 20:03:38

I will have a chat with him tomorrow, hes a bit moody tonight, tired. Do you know whats dawned on me that we will all have to spend the rest of our lives worrying.

fairyfly Fri 04-Feb-05 15:38:25

I have just found out one of the lies. He told everyone he was born in a castle. I told him that all the time when he was smaller, said all the knights were around etc. Am i not supposed to make stories up, im totaly confused. Do i tell him i was lying now? I am utterly confused about my parenting methods now. Help.

lou33 Fri 04-Feb-05 15:40:25

i think the school are overreacting imo

Freckle Fri 04-Feb-05 15:48:16

Oh don't beat yourself up about that, FF. It's just like Father Christmas, isn't it? Do we stop telling such magical stories in case our children repeat them and are then called liars?

It sounds to me as though your ds is feeling insecure about something and is building up a background to boast about to make him feel better.

Lonelymum Fri 04-Feb-05 15:48:38

I think you need to find out from the school,exactly what they think the problem is. The fact that he told a lie (is it a lie in this case? - just an exaggeration in my book) about being born in a castle is hardly grounds for the school to question your parenting or call you in for that matter. Loads of children live in a fantasy world!
The school say his confidence needs boosting and ask you to do it, but it sounds as though you love him very much and praise him frequently. Maybe it is the school that needs to look at its appraoch to your son. I can't believe they called you in to discuss this!

Blu Fri 04-Feb-05 15:48:42

Oh dear.
Does he know about your Mum? He is probably v anxious.
And may well be making up stories about a fab dad in lieu of not-fab dad - I did! (different issues, but same principle)
But I agree with Lou, sounds a bit of an over-reaction by school - or very caring and sensitive because they have noticed that he is 'not himself'.
I made up really tall stories as an avoidance of real life.
Hope he is a bit less moody today - but i can't believe for one moment that a child of yours would be given insufficient encouragement / praise . It just doesn't ring true!

Blu Fri 04-Feb-05 15:49:37

Yeah, talk of castles is way, way different to 'deceitful' lies - it's fantasy!

fairyfly Fri 04-Feb-05 15:50:49

Its not a lie though , as he believes it, i was the one lying.

Cam Fri 04-Feb-05 15:51:22

I don't understand why the school are so concerned about this, I know for a fact that children have fantasy worlds no matter what their home circumstances. My dd has had several imaginary pets (dogs and horses to name but two)from the age of 2 and continues to indulge in fantasy play to date (age 8). For example evry night she either goes to fairyland (where fairies and unicorns live) or dreamland (where she has lovely dreams). I think having a big imagination is a sign of intelligence.

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