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World's most ungrateful SAHM

(40 Posts)
Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 10:33:52

I am such a crap SAHM and I feel rotten about it. I gave up work after Xmas for personal reasons and should be relishing all the time I have to spend with ds. Instead I am bored rigid and frustrated. I love ds with all my heart and he is great company but at the same time I am finding the day-to-day routine of being at home all the time very difficult. I have very little money to go out with, no friends in the area and although I have tried a couple of toddler groups, do not feel as if I fit in. I have moved to an area that I don't like and I don't really feel has anything much for ds and I to do - I miss London where I could just get on a bus or a tube or, in fact, just walk around the corner!and be somewhere interesting and lively in a few minutes. I feel trapped in suburban hell

I know I am being so ungrateful. I should be happy that I can (just about) afford to be at home with ds while he's still young. But instead I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I am so embarrassed about this that I was going to change my name but then...oh, I am being so pathetic aren't I? Does anyone else feel like this or am I just a lazy ungrateful old bag?

SoupDragon Tue 11-Jan-05 10:36:40

You're not alone!! I'm a SAHM and DS2 goes to full time nursery 2 days a week and has done since he was 2...

aloha Tue 11-Jan-05 10:38:23

Why should you love it? Not everyone does. I really enjoy having some childcare so I can work, be myself, hang on MN . Did you see the interview with Victoria Wood where she said her mother was a frustrated SAHM who took it out on her kids, and VW said she thought that her mother should have been at work having a nice time instead of being at home clearly having a horrid one. Not suggesting for one moment that you do take out your frustrations on your ds, but just saying, why should you be 'grateful' for a way of life that may well not suit you?

Fastasleep Tue 11-Jan-05 10:41:59

It's very easy to get into a loop of feeling well... crap! When you're stuck at home, with no company, no money, no reason for getting out - I know the feeling so well and lots of others do too! I just came to say - you could try the 'meet-ups' section on here.. without that I would be literally friendless, and I would barely ever go out! You're not ungrateful, just unstimulated (mentally I mean!)... Best of luck *big hugs*

jangly Tue 11-Jan-05 10:42:19

Keep trying the toddler groups - don't give up on them. Try and get out somewhere every day even if its just to the library. Just going out and coming back in helps break the day up. Go for walks perhaps? Try to enjoy it if you can - it goes by very quickly. He/she will soon be in school!

jangly Tue 11-Jan-05 10:43:27

Sorry! - you said 'DS'!

KristinaM Tue 11-Jan-05 10:44:05

Sounds like you are saying you are miserable being a SAHM. Thats not the same as saying that you are a crap mum ( just thought I would point that out .I'm struggling with this too - being at home full time with 2 kids are working for ..ahem... about 20 years (whispers)

Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 10:46:47

It's not that I am missing a high-flying career or anything And actually I think I would really enjoying SAHMing if I was living somewhere I found stimulating and had some of my friends around. I guess I am just missing where I used to live - loads for kids and mummies to do and lots of friends around to do it with. I am bored and a bit lonely, basically.

scaltygirl Tue 11-Jan-05 10:47:58

Message withdrawn

MrsBigD Tue 11-Jan-05 10:48:00

moomina... not ungrateful at all I think. Not everybody is 'cut out' to be a SAHM.

I'm dreading that I might have to become one as childcare for 2 kids will cost more than I'd be bringing home

On one hand I don't really want to go back to my job, but on the other hand... staying at home with dd and ds all the time... aaaaaargh. Who knows... I might like it even though I'm not the extremely maternal type... would be nice having a bit of my own money though...

As for friends... most of my friends are abroad or at the other side of London (so might as well be abroad!). But thankfully there is MN! Have met a few other mums in my area and I can highly recommend the meet ups!

so you see... you're not the only one So STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT


Pagan Tue 11-Jan-05 10:48:22

I felt the same when DD was about 7 months old but then I became pregnant again so my time is well used up. I try to see it as a bit of a job change for a few years and then shall go back to work, probably doing something entirely different to my original career.

I'm probably different in that I'm quite happy with my own company. I do go to Toddlers once a week and try to meet up with friends for lunch (although this will be more difficult once no 2 arrives).

I find it more difficult if my DH is away with his work for any length of time because then each day is the same as are the weekends.

I think life is different now for mums. Before all mums would have stayed at home so there would have been a nice community to spend time with. Now as most, if not all, women have had a degree of independence and their own career first, life as a SAHM is more of a challenge. In addition there will still be lots of women who return to work so there is less people to 'talk' to IYSWIM

karenanne Tue 11-Jan-05 10:50:49

moomina ,i know how you feel,im back living with my parents at the mo ,my dd is in school and i have ds at home.i love being at home with them but dont know anyone round here ,mums at the school are very cliquey and also dont have much money to go out as im saving all i can to get my own place.also can only spend so much time at local town centre as it gets boring day after day lol and to go further afield id worry about getting back for dd and school.

feel abit down this time of year as well with the weather being grotty but hopefully when the better weather comes things will improve for both of us.

MadameButterfly Tue 11-Jan-05 10:53:30

Hi there,

I am a SAHM mum too. My DD is 2yrs 5 mths old.

Before we moved I took her to Tumble Tots and Jo Jingles both of which I had to stay with her so I never got a break and it did drive me a bit mad.
Now I have moved I am closer to one set of her grand parents and they have her 1 day a week for me and she also goes to playgroup to mornings a week.

jangly Tue 11-Jan-05 10:54:09

Have you got a leisure centre near you? They often have different things for toddlers. Or perhaps something for you - leaving ds in creche?

Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 10:54:18

I agree that the getting out of the house every day thing is a big plus. I am in a bit of a tricky situation, really and I guess it is adding to my frustration. I am a lone parent and live with my mum and dad. While I was working (part-time) my mum looked after ds. However she's not well really and isn't up to it anymore, hence me giving up the job. I do feel somewhat obliged to be at home for her quite a lot too - leaving me feeling somewhat trapped I guess. It would be hard to go to work and put ds in childcare as it would mean leaving her alone all day which I don't really want to do either!

Ack! Sorry. I know I have to be a bit less martyrish about my whole situation but I am being pulled in all directions - what's best for ds, what's best for me and what's best for other people (which I know shouldn't count but it does!). Oh, the joys of motherhood!

jangly Tue 11-Jan-05 10:58:09

Does ds sleep at all during the day. You could set yourself a "reading challenge". Say - all the books of - I dunno - Jane Austin? to be read by Easter!

ZoeB Tue 11-Jan-05 10:58:18

I agree pagan. As a SAHM I too feel EXACTLY the same as you moomina....I have gone brain dead do nothing for myself ( no free time) tried to talk to DH and told were I felt I came within the family first its DS & DD then DH then the bloody DOG !!!!!! then ohhh have you eaten dear ?. Same as you Moomina moved away from london area tube 5 mins away loads of things to do. Meeting people is so very hard as all the clicks are well established. Iam however trying to change my situ but no joy as yet but will stay positive.

Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 10:58:32

Karenanne - just wanted to say, you sound very much like me then! The job was letting me save quite a fair amount of money but now that is gone. And the local shopping centre - how many more times can I walk around it?!

Demented Tue 11-Jan-05 10:59:06

I think I know where you are coming from Moomina, I've been a SAHM for six years now (ever since DS1 was born). I wanted to stay at home and I'm basically happy staying at home (although I like where I live which makes things easier) but it's not at all how I imagined it and I have/do find myself going stir crazy at times. I coped by becoming a fitness freak! I go four times a week now and take full advantage of the creche and often take DS2 for a swim afterwards. In the good weather we go to the park, often after picking DS1 up from School. I now work from home for DH and DH has worked from home for the last year, which breaks the monotony but can create it's own problems! Of course MN has been a big help too! Like you I didn't get on with toddler groups but have made some friends through my fitness classes and DS1 and 2 have both made friends through the creche.

It's early days I hope you find a routine that suits you and your DS and you are feeling happier soon!

grumpyfrumpy Tue 11-Jan-05 10:59:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon Tue 11-Jan-05 11:02:10

Do you drive?

SoupDragon Tue 11-Jan-05 11:02:53

It's not that much of a suburban hell

Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 11:03:33

It is lovely to know I'm not alone, at least! What I would do without MN I don't know (walk away from the computer and get some fresh air, maybe?!)

Moomina Tue 11-Jan-05 11:04:10

soupy, I know. See what I mean about being ungrateful?

karenanne Tue 11-Jan-05 11:04:18

moomina -lol we do sound in similar situations.thats why im on here so much at the moment.

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