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Parenting

If I don't get the gender I want, will I be disappointed?

72 replies

fuzzyfelt · 23/12/2004 22:03

I know that there are much more important things in life really, but I'm dying to know as it seems that no-one really talks about it - if you really want a baby boy or girl but get the opposite, are you disappointed? If so, how long does it last?

I have 2DDs and would possibly like a 3rd baby at some stage. However, I would really like a 3rd baby to be a boy - only because I have girls already. I don't think that I want a third just because I want a boy but if I did have a third, I would want it to be a boy, IYSWIM. Anyway, I feel that I would be disappointed if I had another girl (which I know is a shallow really) so would appreciate any wisdom!

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jojoba · 23/12/2004 22:05

I'll follow this thread with interest.

Judicious use of the word 'gender' rather than 'sex' btw fuzzy

nailpolish · 23/12/2004 22:06

i can honestly say i have never yearned for a baby of a certain sex. i have 2 dd's

midnightmass · 23/12/2004 22:11

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nailpolish · 23/12/2004 22:12

mm thats lovely!

Gwenick · 23/12/2004 22:12

When I was pg with DS1 (fully planned) I wasn't bothered what sex 'it' was but was 100% convinced it was a boy - I was right.

DS2 (not planned - well he was but he's 1yr old now and we were going to start trying sometime next year.....). Desperately wanted a girl, (especially as DH doesn't really want any more ) but decided to convince myself it was a boy all over again. Everytime I talked about my bump it was a boy, 'he' was doing this, 'he' was doing that etc etc. I was desperatelly worried I'd find it hard if he 'was' a boy but was amazed I didn't have any of those feelings at all.

He was born (after hellish labour) DH said it's a boy and I was absolutely thrilled - goodness only knows what I'd have been like if it had been a girl LOL

makealist · 23/12/2004 22:12

I was desperate for dd as i already had a ds, so when i found out I was having another ds I was heartbroken (only for a few days) but i have ds2 now and he more than makes up for not having a daughter. iykwim.

Gwenick · 23/12/2004 22:14

Meant to also add I'm still hoping for a 3rd (going to leave it a few years before I even broach the subject with DH). Initially I thought it would be lovely to have a girl......but now I'm so happy with my 2 DS's that I couldn't care less what it is as long as I can have another,

dawniejinglebellbop1 · 23/12/2004 22:16

Fuzzyfelt, what you are feeling is totally natural and, as you said, generally undiscussed. I think most people want a dd and a ds within their families and hence a lot of couple have 2 kids (one of each) or 3 kids where the youngest is the opposite sex to the older 2 kids. I have heard many mothers at my todder groups saying "I have 2 d-whatevers, if I knew my next baby would be a d-opposite I would get try to get pregnant tomorrow"

Despite all that, if you do choose to have a 3rd do not find out the babies sex until it is born because at that point you will just love it whatever its gender whereas at 20 weeks you will have the time to feel disappointed. HTH

dustercember · 23/12/2004 22:17

I was very surprised to find myself pg at 22weeks and thought I'd like another boy (had 2 ds's already) So then I decided to find out and was really happy it was another boy.
But.
Loads of people said to me, Aww, you wanted a girl didn't you? and 'Never mind, I'm sure he'll be lovely'
I didn't really want a girl, but I wouldn't have felt differently about her - but I'm still upset with some people that they weren't happy about ds3 (who's beautiful)

FeastofStevenmom · 23/12/2004 22:17

have to confess that i wanted a girl and was convinced i was having a girl till 20 week scan. but once i had a bit of time to get used to it, I was fine, and now DS is fine I think boys are cool! In hindsight, I am very glad I chose to find out at 20 week scan, rather than wait till birth, as I think that if you are going to have the wobbles, best to have them at a relatively calm time in the PG than after birth.

whowantstobeamillionare · 23/12/2004 22:17

there has been a thread on this and personally I think if you'rehaving a baby because you're after only one sex it's the wrong reason for having a baby

Tommy · 23/12/2004 22:19

When I was pg with DS2 I secretly wanted a girl but...when he was born it was all so exhilirating (sp?)that when the midwife said "It's a boy" I can remember thinking "Wow...it's a baby and it's a boy aswell as being a baby!...."
Don't know if that make sense but it didn't matter one jot that I'd had another boy

Dreams · 23/12/2004 22:20

when i first fell prg with my ds i really really wanted him to be a girl.....when i found out he was a boy at 20 wk scan i was really gutted but only for a few days then i got used to the idea and would not swap him for the world.

I always said if i had another which hopefully early next yr full prgs i would love a girl but to be honest i really would not be bothered what sex it was.

hana · 23/12/2004 22:22

am having number 2 in a couple of days and would like a girl, but how could you be disappointed with what you get?

pabla · 23/12/2004 22:23

I know quite a few women who yearned for a daughter but never have come across someone who was desperate for a boy - other than feeling that it would be nice to have one for a change. Having said that, I remember my parents being overjoyed when my brother was born (after three girls!)

I think you need to be certain that you want a third baby regardless of gender - I know quite a few families with three and even four boys and I suspect they would have liked a girl somewhere along the way. If you do decide to have a third, maybe you would consider finding out the gender before it is born, so you have time to get used to the idea, if it's not what you hoped for.

I have three, girl, boy,boy. I would have loved to have had a second daughter, partly because I think it is nice for a girl to have a sister (though i know not everyone gets along with theirs) but even though I know we won't be having any more babies, I don't have any lasting feelings of disappointment about this.

Dreams · 23/12/2004 22:24

i ment to add becuase after having my ds i realised how lovely boys really are

Tommy · 23/12/2004 22:25

My friend has 4 boys and when the 4th was a tiny baby, she was in the park with them all and someone said to her :"Didn't you want any girls then?"
Duh.....

jojoba · 23/12/2004 22:28

Dreams, that's a lovely thing to say. I desperately wanted a girl and got one - now I feel much more positive about having a boy next time round, whereas before I would have been very anxious about it.

jojoba · 23/12/2004 22:29

PS sorry about my flippant remark about sex below - couldn't resist!

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 23/12/2004 22:30

My dh wanted a girl, and I wanted a boy. I got my boy, and dh now says that he can't imagine ever having a girl now. I was worried that I wouldn't love a girl (because of problems I had with my Mum as a child), but now I know that it would not have made a difference, because you love the baby, not the gender.

galaxy · 23/12/2004 22:31

I think telling someone they shouldn't have kids becuase of their feelings over gender isn't helpful whowantstobeamillionaire.

I was keen to have a girl and I did. I would have loved a boy equally as much as I do dd but I was still worried about it. Can't explain why - just an irrational pregnancy feeling.

fuzzyfelt · 23/12/2004 22:32

Gosh, lots of replies already! Thanks. I get the impression that the gender of the baby matters a lot more before it's born than after it's born. And you're absolutely right Millionaire, trying for one gender or another is the wrong reason to have a baby. I just wondered if the 'disappointment'(not that any baby is that, of course) lasted.

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Dreams · 23/12/2004 22:33

i think its always a mothers dream of having a daughter and vice versa for men. But i have one ds of my own and a step son too. boys are great and so are girls i expect. i think like someone has said most people would like a girl and a boy! But to be honest i try to think of it from everyone in my family units point of few! i would love a daughter but i would also love another son because then my ds has a brother as i think its great for boys when there older. and ermmmmmm my dp just gets what his given lol

galaxy · 23/12/2004 22:33

The only other comment I would make is that if you do have 3 of the same sex, make sure the 3rd never knows they were a "last chance" baby.

I was friends with a girl at school who was the last in a line of four girls. Her mother told her during an argument that she wouldn't have been born, if they'd known she wasn't going to be a boy. She hates her mother now.

lockets · 23/12/2004 22:35

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