Freedom to play

[Kmg]

At what age do or will your children play out unsupervised? Last week walking up the street two of my son's friends, age 5 and 6 were playing in the street, in front of their house. Over the road a dispute was going on. I crossed over to discover that another friend of mine had just told her son 7 that he couldn't go and join them. She turned to me and said "I think 7 is too young to play out, don't you?" And I felt a bit stuck as to what to answer.

Obviously it all depends a lot on where you live, and whether your child can be trusted to stick to the limits and guidelines you give them. But it's an issue we will have to face in a few years' time, and I would be interested to hear your views.

[Emmy]

Its something Im already agonising about, my son will be 6 soon, its just too scary! we live on a "rat run" road so I think it'll be a while yet, but I know lots of his school friends are allowed out till quite late. I suppose it depends on the child, really. Oh I dont want him to grow up so soon!

[Tigermoth]

We probably all agree that freedom to play depends on the individual child, their family and the safety of the area they live in. The following is my personal experience. I am not recommending anything to anyone! That out of the way, here goes:

My 7-year old son has been playing out since he was four-and-a-half. At that time we lived in a minute terraced house with a 12 ft x 12 ft living room and virtually no garden. My very lively, gregarious son has no space to let off steam and it was difficult to invite his friends over for extended play times. Right outside our living room window was a small road. It was narrow, too, so any cars that came down it had to go quite slowly. Across the road was a piece of grass and a small playground. It was in full view of our house. Children aged about 5 upwards regularly played there, mostly without their parents, much to the interest, and later frustration, of my 4 year old son.

From the age of 3 or so,I began to take him to the playground regularly and by the time he was
four-and-a-half (one summer), he knew the children well, as I did. Most were OK, some I was less sure about.I began to stand some distance away for the playground, still within sight and monitoring things closely. I gave my son very clear boundaries regarding behaviour etc. If he did what he shouldn't do or went where he shouldn't go, he got grounded. As the months progressed, I began to stay in the house and not watch his every move. Along with his friends, he was allowed to play out on the pavement next to our house. He was allowed to take out his bike and rollar blades, keeping away from the roads. By the time he was 5 and a half, he was allowed to explore the small wood and football pitch, along with his trusted friends. Both these places were not within sight but a 2-minute walk away.

At this point I should say that we were friendly with a lot of our neighbours and so my son had a network of familiar people around him.

My son definitely benefited from this free time. It gave him his own space and allowed him to get more socially adept with his peers. I believe in unstructured play without constant adult supervision. I also think it was good for my son have lots of playtime that wasn't centered around expensive toys. (we quickly learned that toys he took out to show his friends risked being broken or fought over, so we allowed footballs but no beastwars models!)

However, I did worry. How could I not? There were scary moments, too, like the time some older boys persuaded my son (then 5) to go to our local off licence/shop and get them some sweets. He crossed a busy road by himself, walked in and asked the shopkeeper to give himn some sweets 'on tick'!!.
The shopkeeper knew him and us very well so they saw him safely back across the road and told us later. Needless to say he and his friends were severely told off and he was grounded for weeks.

It is hard to set rules. We made sure his friends always knew what rules we set our son, and what geographical boundaries we gave him so they would know if they were getting him into trouble. He always had to tell us if he wanted to play out of sight of the house, and get our premission.We drummed these rules into him daily. He was not allowed to cross roads without an adult watching. We told him the dangers: He was small so car drivers might not see him. Also we told him he was too young to judge speed and distances accurately. We read that it takes boys until 9 years of age to be able to do this. Girls can do it earlier. That might be a lot for a 5 year old to take on, but we wanted to instill a sense of danger in him. We also told him that he had a lot of freedom compared to many 5-year olds.

When he was approaching 6 we moved house.The move was partly prompted by our wish to give our son more safe playspace both indoors and outdoors. We deliberately chose and area where lots of children played out in the streets. I wouldn't have moved to a place that didn't offer this.

Again, once we had all got to know the children in in the neighbouring houses, he was allowed to play out. As he gets older, its gets easier to 'let go' of him. You never stop worrying, though. I was never cooped up inside and marshalled around outside as a child and I don't want my son to be either. He's never been a child who loves playing with his toys alone in his room.
But by the age of 5 he could ride a two-wheeled bike and rollar blade very proficiently.

Over a typical winter weekend, he plays out for about 4 hours,- longer in the summer. As always he regularly 'touches base' with us and we know where he is. He invites his friends back as well.
He is better behaved now, and more street-wise. There are lots of girls nearby and they act as a civilising influence. There's not much play-fighting now.

I don't think it has made him grow up more quickly, but perhaps a bit more differently, compared to some of his more home-bound friends. He's very fond of being outdoors, loves being in a group of children, prefering this to toys. It has definitely made him happy.

Sorry this is such a long note!

[Tigermoth]

Marina, in answer to your question about other parent's experiences on the freedom to play/ Frank Furedi issue, in the 'next guest' message board, see below for a rather rambling message I posted a few weeks ago.

I havn't read Frank's book by the way, so I wouldn't go as far as to say I agree with anything he writes. I read Maureen Freely's review of his book in the Sunday Observer and that was rather luke warm.

It seems to me that it's such a personal decision
to allow your children to learn, by risking their safety, however small that risk is. How can any outsider tell you what's right?

[Tigermoth]

Marina, in answer to your question about other parent's experiences on the freedom to play/ Frank Furedi issue, in the 'next guest' message board, see below for a rather rambling message I posted a few weeks ago.

I havn't read Frank's book by the way, so I wouldn't go as far as to say I agree with anything he writes. I read Maureen Freely's review of his book in the Sunday Observer and that was rather luke warm.

It seems to me that it's such a personal decision
to allow your children to learn, by risking their safety, however small that risk is. How can any outsider tell you what's right?

[Marina]

Tigermoth, I've not read it either though I saw MF's review too. Be interesting to see what other reviewers think of him, she certainly had big reservations about how he put his point across, didn't she. I think he also talks about issues such as MMR scares and so on. Not sure it's a book I would spend hard-earned cash on myself. Anyone out there read the whole thing (or reviewed it, lurking journalists??)

[Gracie]

I intend to buy it. I like his general arguement. Especially the bit about so called child care experts being a waste of time.

[Kathmary]

I have just checked into this new message space. I was rather moved by your piece Tigermoth; I think that's a lovely thing that you've achieved for your son. I have what feels like a rather naughty confession to make - there's a very nice pub near us and it has a high outside deck which is covered by trees and overlooks a playpark. Since my daughter was about 3 I've not been averse to getting in a half of shandy with other mums, sitting on that deck and letting the kids get on with it in the playground, we can usually see what they were doing - but still! I would definitely love to have a little playground over the road and let her hang out there ... my Mum was rather shocked when she caught me at my pub antics (and I think some of my friends would be too), and this provoked the heated discussion I alude to on the "next guest" section. Marina, I so agree with you that these decisions about how much freedom to allow and how to manage it will be with us for a long time; it's something that one feels in one's guts too, not always rational like so many kiddy type things - I LOVE the way you describe your family garden, with "spoiled family pet's turds" - I wonder if you are a journo or writer because you've got great craic!

[Numbat]

In a recent review of the Furedi book the reviewer (I think it was Maureen Freely but can't remember for sure) wondered why English poarents seem particularly paranoid about letting their kids out. She noted that in Europe kids play out and other adults are not afraid to look out for them. One difference is that here, any time a child gets abducted or whatever it's plastered in ghoulish detail all over Page 1. When I was living in Denmark similar events did happen, but they'd be tucked away on page 6 unless there was a search on. Plus here, there's a big blame culture: when a child gets hurt people are inclined to say "What were the parents doing letting their child play on the road/go out alone/climb a tree? I never heard that kind of thing in Denmark.

[Kmg]

Numbat, I entirely agree. We have friends in Germany, and the schools practically forbid children to be accompanied to school (they start age 6), and in winter they are going to school in the dark. But it works - the children get a great sense of being grown up and independent, and there are no less or no more accidents than her, but it only works because the blame culture that we have here seems entirely absent.

[Robinw]

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[Kia]

I'm sorry if I upset anyone with this post, but I'm not going to let yet another variety of childcare 'expert' make me feel guilty for wanting to protect my children. They already make you feel guilty for eveything you do or don't do depending on what their selling point is and I'm really sick to the back teeth of it. Yes, the horror stories like the paynes little girl and several tragic others are apparently 'rare' - whatever that means - but its 100% total to their families. I watched a father with tears running down his face the other night on bbc crimewatch saying 'if only I hadn't gone to cricket - but its something I have to live with every day for the rest of my life' I don't ever want to put my kids in a potentially dangerous situation because some 'expert' thinks its a good idea to let a child decide if he's safe or not. I wonder what Mr Payne would say to Mr Furedi's ideas? sorry to rant.

[Jbr]

Is this about the man who has written a book called "Paranoid Parenting"? He said we should give kids more freedom and he got a lot of stick for it. I agree with him to an extent, because he said children should be more aware themselves. But then, he let his 3 year old play up a tree!

He said we should let kids play out but then some woman said "Tell that to Sarah Payne's mother" but if he had said "They should have kept an eye on her", he would have got into trouble for implying it was their fault! He was going to be damned either way.

There is another issue to this, and that is how many parents don't actually care what their kids are doing? A woman in my region had her daughter murdered by a "family friend" and the local authority said it happened because she never took any notice of where her kids were. On the day of the murder the little girl said to her mother "I am going to a friend's house" and the mother admitted she didn't bother asking which friend and she never bothered to take her there herself! Her other children are now in local authority care.

Another murder happened to an 11 year old boy at 2.30pm on a school afternoon! His mother knew he skived school and when they eventually got him to go, he only went 11.30-2pm. If he wasn't going to school he shouldn't have been playing out. The police said that children who commit crimes are very likely to become victims of crime themselves. The boy was murdered by a 19 year old, who he had been hanging around with when he went out to play. I am not saying that makes it less of a crime or it exonerates the ba**d who killed him but what on earth was the little lad doing hanging around with someone so much older and why didn't his mother know about it?

He should have been at school anyway, and if he wasn't he should not have been allowed to play out. I skived for one day once and I was grounded for all eternity, (so it felt to me anyway) and I never did it again!

I would rather be over protective than be a parent who doesn't know or care where their children are. The irony is,
the press used to say that in households where both parents work the parents don't know what the kids are doing half the time, but statistically, it is houses where NEITHER work that have the most neglect cases like this, where the parents don't know or care what their kids are doing. I am not saying if you don't work that you are neglectful of your kids, but very often it is dual income households which wrongly get pointed at.

[Robinw]

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[Jbr]

Don't get me started on bullying! But I agree we can't be there for everything, nor should we want to be.

[Kia]

Yes, you're right. We can't be there all the time, and I don't have a problem with ways to deal with this. I also accept all the arguments about over-protective parents, however I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[Tigermoth]

Jbr, Yes, I've known of neglectful parents too. One mother who used turf out her 5 and 8 year olds like cats in the early morning and appeared to not let them back in until the evening. Standing outside when all the other children has long gone in, looking so vunerable. They were taken into care.

But how can you protect your child for every minute of the day and hope that sometime, somehow, they'll become model teenagers and you can wave them goodbye for an evening without a moment's thought?

It's so difficult to know what to do, and to not feel guilty over it. No childcare expert can tell you, and I agree with all those who have said this, in both pro and anti playing out messages here.

For me, I'm going to keep monitoring the playing-out situation with my son. He changes so much. He is not the boy he was a 5 years and no doubt he will not be the boy he is now, at nearly 7 years, when he is 9 years. And our neighbourhood may change. The traffic may get worse. The might be an invasion of nasty kids. There could be a few worrying 'incidents'. So we might have to keep a closer eye on him for a while. All I can do is keep on top of things, check up on him, know his friends and their families, and together with them make general ground rules (as we are doing) so we all know where we stand.


Incidently, I would love to know if anyone has any information on the research that found that boys couldn't judge speed and distance properly( ie moving vehicles etc) unitl they were 9 years? It got lots of publicity a couple of years ago but I havn't heard of any follow-up.

[Kathmary]

I've just read the messages after a few days off air, very interesting. The thing that struck me most was that we do have this incredible blame culture in the country that's absent in other countries - viz the child killers in Norway (I think) who have been rehabilitated and returned to the community in stark contrast to the debate raging over the Bulger killers. The guilt that the man felt over his cricket game on Crimewatch was terrible to watch. I however do want my kids to have freedom; I am sure when the time comes and they want it I will find it really hard, and I'm sure I'll want to keep the situation monitored closely, like Tigermoth .... but it's what I think they need and deserve and I will have to manage my own fears carefully so we can work something out. Meanwhile, I do encourage them to look out for themselves and other kids - and to develop their instincts about people and be confident about their boundaries. But as I've said before, stranger danger worries me less than mad drivers, who drive about 50mph as we all try to cross over the zebra crossing to our local park ....

[KMG]

Just have to share how proud I'm feeling of myself (and my son). My eldest (4.5) delivered a letter to a friend's house (5 doors along) yesterday, then asked if he could play out in the street on his bike. It's pretty safe - it's a quiet cul-de-sac, and we know everyone, and everyone looks out for each other's children, he's very sensible, etc. But of course my instinctive reaction was to want to wrap him up in cotton wool, and not take any risk. It was an incredibly difficult decision to make, but I went with my principles, laid down some ground rules (not on the road, etc.), and let him play out. (Whilst watching from the window at first). It feels like he's grown up a huge amount overnight, but it's done him a lot of good, and I feel great too. Of course it's a risk, but it's a measured risk, and I think it's worth it.

[Tigermoth]

Kmg, Just to say (as you can see here) that I've been there too. It's an incredibly difficult decision to let your child play out. Now we're a few years down the line, one thing I've learned is that the ground rules and degree of risk can change so easily. If a more daredevil child befriends yours, watch out - if they are prone to running into the road it's harder for your own child to resist the temptatation. It's so important to keep tabs on all the other children who play out.

I believe our son has gained a lot from having some freedom outdoors. You never stop watching and worrying completely, but I know my son counts himself lucky to have parents who say 'yes' - sometimes at least.