I'm getting it all wrong on my own. Don't feel my DS has any respect for me.

[Pinkchampagne]

I have been on my own with my boys (8 & nearly 5) for 9 months now, and I sometimes find it a struggle, especially with my eldest son.
I often have to ask him several times to do the most simple of things, like get his shoes on etc, and he has started answering back & can at times be quite rude.

Sometimes I do shout, which I know is bad, but I can just reach a point where I can take no more. I always feel bad after & will often apologise if this happens.

This morning DS1 shouted from his bed "I hate all girls & mummy because she is sometimes bossy!

I know that just sounds like one of those silly things that children just come out with, but it has left me really upset. I feel I am getting it all so wrong on my own. I feel he is starting to get a real lack of respect for females.

They won't be seeing their dad until Thurs because of his work shift, and I feel I am just getting it all wrong. I am sitting here in tears typing this out this morning. I feel I am not cut out to be a parent.

[KaySamuels]

You are an amazing woman, your DS has spent his life watching you and his dad, and your mum and dad interact, with the men showing no respect for the women.

He is actng up because of the split, and as you are there it is you bearing the brunt of it, this is very common when parents split up. Please don't be upset, you are doing great, keep your chin up. {{hugs}}

[missingtheaction]

You are doing a brilliant job - he is an 8 year old boy, what does he know?

we just have to accept that to be a good parent sometimes means our children don't like us very much for an hour or so. Only apologise to him for shouting after he apologises for his transgressions first (otherwise he will see you as in the wrong and him in the right whereas he was very likely in the wrong long before you were!). Don't be shy of saying 'I am the adult round here and I demand some respect'. And say it to yourself in the mirror every day.

As they grow up they will push the boundaries more and more. Build up your strength now while they know they are still totally dependent on you and desperately want your approval and love

[colditz]

you're not, you're really not,you aren't getting it all RIGHT, and that's because you are human, not a robot.

Is that your worst crime against him? Being bossy? What a lucky little boy!

[Bluebutterfly]

I think that the problem here is not your son's behaviour (sounds quite normal to me) but that you are overanalysing whether everything he is doing is because you are on your own. Chances are that most of the behaviour would occur even if you had a partner on the scene, but you would feel more supported in dealing with it.

Where I wonder if he is playing up because you are on your own is that he may sense that you have a level of guilt and that you are treading very carefully at times because of that and he is using it to manipulate you a bit (all children are very skilled in the art of doing this, as I am sure that you know)

I think that you sound like a very caring mother who is doing a fantastic job and sometimes loses her temper because she is human. Most mothers that I know are like this. You have to try not to feel like you are anything other than a normal mother. Being on your own is tough, but it does not mean that your children have become perfect, or that anyone expects perfection from you all of the time!

I know I am waffling, but this is just my perspective.

[cory]

I agree with Bluebutterfly, actually. To need to be told to do something several times is actually perfectly normal (if infuriating!) behaviour from an 8 year old boy. So is talking back. So is the exaggerated maleness.

However, if you blame yourself or the situation, then he is likely to sense your fear, and it will frighten him (children want parents to be strong), so he will probably play up more.

If you can manage to fake a calm humourous approach, you may get further with him. Something on the lines of 'Yes, I'm bossy, it's what Mums do best and I'm coming to boss you NOW' with exaggerated gestures.

If it is any consolation, my ds has a very stable committed family, a firm but loving dad who comes home every afternoon, and a whole load of male relations who all model respect towards women- and he still takes half an hour to put his pants on in the morning. I cling to the thought that one day I shall marry him off- and then it will be some other woman's problem! (where's the evil grin emoticon when you want it?).

[Monkeybird]

my 8 year old is like that too and his dad's at home... I actually found myself shouting to him the other day 'you're VERY lucky we don't smack in this house!' and then felt terrible for hours cos it sounded so threatening...

we're now going to try the more moderate bribery behaviour chart approach, and I've found giving him more responsbility works quite well too - in the past (tip from a book but can't remember which one) I've stuck notes everywhere reminding him what he needs to do when so I don't have to tell him - so schedule the morning with a list, give it to him and tell him you will leave him to it but expect him to be ready for school by whenever... and then stick post-it notes round the house reminding him where to put laundry, clean his teeth etc...

I've found the less I have to tell him stuff, the more likely he is to do it (cleverly allowing him to think it was all his own idea!)

Good luck (we should have a oh god we've got 8 year olds club...)

[seeker]

I don't think you need worry about his attutude to women quite yet -my ds was planning his 7th birthday party quite recently and wrote a list od 20 boys. I said that he has to invite a couple of girls (social obligations) and it would be better if he invited about 5 so that they weren't in too much of a minority.

Not only did he write the girls names on a seperate list, he asked if they could eat their tea in a different room!

[Pinkchampagne]

lol seeker!

Thank you all for your support today. I have just returned from work so only just read the replies.

This morning I felt very very low. I felt like I was a terrible mother & getting it all wrong. It is hard to know the right way to handle the children, and I analyse it all far more now I'm trying to deal with the boys alone.

I guess children can become more challenging at this age, and suddenly, despite working in a primary school (although never venture any higher than year 2!), I am feeling out of my depth at times with my own childrens behaviour.

[Pinkchampagne]

He is telling me how much he loves me now, so I guess I shouldn't take things so personally!

[edam]

Aw, see, you aren't getting it all wrong!