Please could I have your thoughts on this situation?

[loolop]

I'm not sure what to advise her as don't really know my own thoughts on the situation so any input would be appreciated.

My friend got pregnant through a one night stand with her boss whilst away on a sales conference. He is married with 2 DC. She is normally a kind, generous and thoughtful person and to sleep with a married man is totally out of character. When she discovered she was pregnant she told the man in question and he made it very clear he had made a huge mistake and wanted her to have an abortion and offered for her to have it done privately. She did consider this but having had 2 previous m/c with an ex-boyfriend she decided she really wanted the baby. Her boss told her in no uncertain terms he did not want anything to do with her and the baby at the time and he transferred to a different office and they never spoken again.

Her DD is now 10 months old (she did send him a txt when she was born but no reply) Her poor DD has had some health problems and was told she was failing to thrive which has been very stressful especially as she is on her own (7.3 lbs born now just over 10months and around 14lbs) coupled with this my friend has had to return to work full time and is really struggling financially and emotionally.

Anyway the point of this is we were talking this week about the father and I asked whether she was going to try and get any maintenance for the child given the dire financial situation she is in. She said 'No he made it quite clear he didn't want her from the very beginning so I don't think it is fair that I ask him for any money for a child he didn't want' She asked for my advice and what I would do and I have to say I just don't know.

On one hand I admire her noble attitude that it was her decision to have her baby and therefore her sole responsibility but on the other hand it takes 2 to make a baby and perhaps regardless of his opinion after she was pregnant he should pay for his own child?

Sorry for long post but what do you think?

[Carmenere]

They both made a mistake and yet she has to shoulder the responsibility for it by her self?
She needs support and if he is not willing to offer it she should at least claim it financially imo.

[TotalChaos]

I agree with Carmenere.

[stuffitllama]

Yes I agree with Carmenere. It is without any doubt a dual responsibility. Offering to pay for an abortion does not excuse him from being a parent. If he doesn't want to have any part of his daughter's life he should at least pay maintainance. Especially if the money would help to improve the baby's life (how could it not?) Your friend's daughter comes before him, and never mind the difficulties and embarrassment that could be caused. I think she would be well supported in making a claim. Pls encourage her to do so.

[ivet83]

I think in a way it is her responsibility as she wanted to keep the baby. but at the end of the day like you said as a woman that is a tough decision to make especially if she has had two miscarriages before. I think she should ask him for help. she didn't have the baby by herself.

[SpacePuppy]

Takes two to tango, she should get someone to write a legal letter and ask if he would be willing to pay maintenance, if he ignores that then get the paternity test done and let the solicitors deal with it. She made a mistake, fair enough, but he shared in the fun. The days where the man can just walk away is over.

[coastalmum]

IMO when 2 consenting adults have sex they both have to live with the consequences of their actions.

Her boss willingly had sex with your friend and therefor should share the responsibilty of raising the child.

[mumofdjandp]

It takes two to tango she is being most generous having lasted this long without financial support

If he wanted the sex -which he did- then he has to take the consequences- FACT. As sometimes sex makes babies!

She should get maintenance it is only fair on her and the child/

What a rat not taking responsibilty.

coward

[TurkeyLurkey]

I have a friend who was in this exact situation. Her little girl is now 5. The father does not pay her anything and she does not want anything from him either. She says she made the decsion to have her child so she will be the one who cares and provides for her.

She told me it was so that he can't tip up in the future and put a claim in to take her and have her live with him. She says the fact that he hasn't paid her a bean would go against him if he ever wanted to go for custody in the future (which is unlikely in any case).

Not sure I follow her logic to be honest.

[KacyB]

I think she should look into it.....

There are two sides to each story...

While clearly she has every legal right to pursue the father for maintenence, she will also need to consider that he and / or his family may push for contact (something she may or may not be happy to consider given her DD age and health problems)

Also, unless she qualifies for legal aid, she might need cash up front to get a solicitor.

I think it would be worth doing a bit of background research. What is the father doing now? How much does he earn? (and, therefore, what sort of payment could she expect from him?) Would a solicitor deal with her claim or could she claim through the CSA? Has he told his wife / family?

Once she has all the facts, she can decide if she wants to go down that route.

I do appreciate that the father cannot abidicate responsibility (and offering to pay for an abortion is not an a solution out of fatherhood...) but there might be other implications for your friend to consider before she decides to 'go public'

[mumofdjandp]

I can see what she means but no judge gives kids to strangers for no real reason

and men should pay (so should women if they walk away)

its not fair!

[loolop]

Until having a long conversation with her about this I TOTALLY agreed with all of you. However apart from thinking as she made the decision to keep the baby its her responsibily her other main reason is that he is married with 2 young children - if she applies for maintenance then his wife will find out and she is concerned for his other 2 children and the effect that would have on their lives.

Also she thinks that as he already has 2 children to support the amount she will get will not have that great an impact on her and her DD's lives so why take the risk in hurting other people.

I want to encourage her to make him take responsibility but I do understand why she isn't, bless her it's a hard one for sure

[BlueberryPancake]

Hi Loolop, I'm with your friend on this one. I'll probably get crucified for my opinion, but she had sex with a married man and she decided to keep the baby. She probably, during the pregnancy, thought about all this and made a firm decision on what she thinks is best for herself and for her child, and as a friend (i know it's hard) but it's your role to support her decision.

[Heated]

Although sorry for the bombshell if she goes 'public', her ex-boss is the one directly responsible for the carelessly creating the 'bombshell' in the first place by failing to keep his pants shut.

His has a responsibility to that child, an innocent in all this.

However, it will also depend on how your friend feels about him having rights i.e. access rights to her child? You described her a struggling financially and emotionally - there may well eventually be some financial benefit but is she ready emotionally?

My relative has never pursued the father of her now grown son, despite his high profile job in the armed forces, because she didn't want him in their life, but she had a very supportive family.

[KacyB]

I really think it's something your friend should consider further.......
MumofDJandDP - it's likely that the father of the child could apply for contact (even if it were supervised at first). He is not a going to be considered a stranger and could easily say he didn't get the text (he didn't reply and couldv'e changed his number)...

However, if this women is really struggling, then she should consider all her options. I don't know for sure, but isn't it difficult to get certain benefits if you don't name the father to the CSA? Maybe I'm imagining this?

As for not going public.... Sure, it's not ideal, and it was her choice to keep the baby, but that doesn't mean the chap gets to simply wash his hands of it....

[mumofdjandp]

Hi i didnt mean contact I meant custody

[JingleyJen]

golly I never thought I would say this but - no - I don't think she should get money from him.. She thought out her options she decided - clearly against his wishes to continue with the pregnancy. She knew he was married, she knew he had children.

If she was going to claim she should have done it on principle when the child was born. Is the fathers name on the birth certificate?

[mellyonion]

jj, i'll get lynched with you!!

i think that she should continue to go it alone with her little girl....

yes it takes two to make a baby, but as a grown up woman she should be able to take full responsability for her own sexual health and contraception.

the guy (rightly or wrongly) made his position very clear when the pg was announced and she went ahead with having her baby....(although i appreciate really, its a no win situation for the mum)

on a practical level...is your friend able to get financial support in the form of childcare help from work? or look at going pt, and therefore saving on her childcare for a few days a week?
if her little girl is that poorly, she may be able to claim a benefit to stay home and care for her....

i wish your friend the best of luck that things get easier for her soon.

[lilymolly]

I agree with jj and mellyonion.

She decided to keep this baby and knew the consequences of not having a father around.

[loolop]

Thanks guys it's interesting to get everyones opinion, I think the reality of it all is much much harder than she thought. I will definitely be printing this off to show her

[cazboldy]

but by keeping it quiet, she is allowing the other woman (his wife) to live a lie. It is not harmful, just because they do not know.
She is depriving her daughter, not just of money, but of siblings - forget the father he seems like a total loser!
How many other women do you think he will get away with treating like this?

And as for the comment about taking responsibility herself for contraception, no method is 100% anyway, so pregnancy is always a possibility, even when being careful!

[upsidaisie]

I think she should seek money from him. He knew there was a potential for this to happen when he was unfaithful in the first place and needs to face the consequences. Your friend should not feel bad for making a choice to keep this baby despite his wishes.

To put it in perspective...if you accidently knock someone down in a car because you fall asleep at the wheel you get sent to prison. Whether you meant to hit someone when you fell asleep or not does not matter, the fact is that it happened and so you face the consequences and go to prison. So, you have sex with someone and they get pregnant - just because you didn't intend for that to happen (or continue) also does not matter after the event, but what you do about it in the future does. For the sake of this child she needs to pursue this. Sorry to his family etc but personally I think it is better they know anyway if this is the sort of person he is. He will only hurt them again in the future if he learns he can get away with it now.

[carrieHD9]

Hi, your friend didn't put his wife or children in this difficult position, or have a (potential) impact on their finances or quality of life- he did, the minute he decided to cheat on his wife and family. She didn't owe them anything but he certainly did. He knew where babies come from and he has three children now, not two.

But I take people's point also about the emotional impact of trying to gain some financial support for her child. I had a friend in a similar position who did do this, but had to cope with some difficult contact with him and his family. What mainly hurt her though was people treating her child like a dirty embarressing secret. I think she's every right to seek some support but the process of doing it can be really tough.