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any other gay mums out there?!

(71 Posts)
dot1 Thu 14-Nov-02 14:07:32

Probably not, but I'm feeling brave enough to ask, after 'coming out' in another thread!

dp and I have a beautiful 11 month ds (she had him!) and now I'm trying to add to the family, although having problems because of pcos + thyroid problems.

We've had lots of wonderful, positive support from just about everyone - family, friends, and our GP, Practice nurse and everyone at ds's nursery have been brilliant - completely accept me as Mum aswell! Doesn't stop us worrying about the future - primary/secondary school bullying etc...

Anyway, just wanted to see if there were other same sex couples with babies around - it can feel like a v. small group to belong to, and from my point of view, being a Mum, but not a biological Mum can sometimes feel weird (but wonderful!)

susanmt Thu 14-Nov-02 17:55:33

I'm not, dot1, but my sister is trying to find a way of doing this at the moment. Would you mind explaining how you went about it, if that is not too personal a question? Glad to hear you have so much support - she is not finding it so easy as far as I can see. Hope you are able to enlarge your family soon!

Lollypop Thu 14-Nov-02 19:49:52

Dot1
We have two children that I know of in my school (a secondary) with gay mums. Never been a problem with bullying as far as I know.

sobernow Thu 14-Nov-02 21:30:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manutd Thu 14-Nov-02 23:30:59

This is very timely. Last weekend I met a girl who I knew very well about 15 years ago but she had kind of dissappeared off the scene somewhat suddenly and mysteriously.
I bumped ionto her at the weekend in a shop and we had a great time chatting. She introduced me to her two young children, and her partner - another woman. I had no idea this friend was a lesbian - she knew I did not know - and she kind of apologised for disappearing and said she had been going through hard times as her hearts desire was always to have kids but she knew that might not ever happen. It was so good to see her . I don't know the details of how she got pregnant nor would I ever ask (we have arranged to meet up).
She seemed so happy and her kids and p[artner were lovely.

ScummyMummy Thu 14-Nov-02 23:57:12

Dot1- I think Zoya who posts on here intermittently is a gay mum. Her daughter is about the same age as your son if I remember rightly. It may be worth posting a message for her on the missing persons thread. I might do so myself actually as I've missed her wise words. Welcome to mumsnet, by the way

Sparks Fri 15-Nov-02 10:53:12

Hello Dot - no, you're not the only one! I don't often post, mostly just lurk. I have a 4 year old dd and we are planning on trying for no.2 in the new year. So not really parents of a baby, but hope to be soon.

Like you, we have found acceptance of our family from most people. I'm the biological mum, but since breastfeeding finished, I can't remember it really being an issue. I think the teachers at dd's nursery assume my partner is the bio mum because they have the same surname.

Let's see if this thread brings out any more gay mums.

Rhubarb Fri 15-Nov-02 14:54:25

This is strange! I was discussing this very topic at college the other day, and then by email to my best buddy! Have you thought of being the mum next time round?

anais Fri 15-Nov-02 21:23:35

I'm a single Mum of 2, and have recently realised I'm bisexual. I'm haven't come out yet, although I feel totally comfortable in my sexuality, I'm not sure certain other people will feel the same. Anyways, I've just outed myself to all of Mumsnet so there you go Welcome to my world!

Rhubarb Fri 15-Nov-02 21:52:56

Oooh Anais - how did you find out, if you don't mind my asking?

anais Fri 15-Nov-02 22:06:39

Hmmm, how did I find out? I'd never questioned my sexuality before as I'd always felt comfortable in the way I was. I've never been a jealous person and been able to admire other girls with boyfriends but always thought that was because I was comfortable with being straight. Just recently it occured to me that feelings I had towards a certain person were more than just friendly. I started questioning what I was feeling and the more I thought about it the more I realised I like girls too. And its great!

Tinker Fri 15-Nov-02 22:07:49

You're just being greedy now

Ghosty Sat 16-Nov-02 00:26:14

At the school where I taught last, there was a family that went through a pretty messy divorce ... the mum went off with another woman. Caused all sorts of raised eyebrows at the time I seem to remember ...
Anyway, after the dust settled and the children were living with Mum and her dp everything was hunky dory ... apart from the usual 'divorce' stuff and the kids missing their dad etc, they were really well adjusted children (one boy and one girl) ... no bullying and all the children knew that X and Y lived with their mum and their step mum ... both mums were lovely and shared the care 50/50.
Just wanted to say good on you dot1 and your dp ... hope you can get pg soon!

anais Sat 16-Nov-02 00:41:04

Lol Tinker. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it

zebra Sat 16-Nov-02 05:12:01

My aunt has just gone off with a woman; after 20 years of marriage (to a bloke) & 3 children so left the family in considerable consternation.

Dot1: I know a lesbian couple with a baby close to 11 months old... you & your partner don't have the same first name & live in the East Midlands, do you?

SimonHoward Sat 16-Nov-02 06:09:01

Anais

It's nice to see that there are other people out there that at least bother to think about this sort of thing rather than just accepting they have to be straight.

And I have to say to any of the gay mums out there I think you are very brave as for some stupid reason it seems public opinion is still against children being raised in same sex relationships (blue rinse brigade probably leading the Tutting).

No idea why this is. As long as the children are loved and cherished the parents could be aliens for all I care.

Ghosty Sat 16-Nov-02 06:34:29

I so agree with you SimonHoward ...
I also knew (sort of friends of friends) of two couples ... one lesbian couple and one gay couple who were good friends ...
They decided to have a child so ... using the sperm of one of the blokes, one of the women got pregnant (through 'at home' artificial insemination) and nine months later a bouncing baby boy was born ...
They had an excellent legal agreement ... both biological parents were on the birth certificate and so the father had rights ...
The mums were legally the 'primary' carers of the child and he lived with them and at weekends he went to the dads' house ... it is a fantastic arrangement and the last time I talked to the friend of a friend (one of the dads) the little boy (3 by that point) was just gorgeous and happy and thriving and most importantly he was loved by 4 parents!

cocococo Sat 16-Nov-02 14:47:43

My business partner and her partner have a wonderful toddler son who's just gorgeous.

They left London a while ago for a new life in Brighton and it seems that the 'scene' is far better down there and there are many other same-sex couples with kids. It was important to them that their son made friends with other children in the same situation.

They went down the sperm bank route as they didn't want to involve anyone else, despite having lots of offers!

I mentioned a website to my business partner that I discovered the other day that you might want to check out www.familyonwards.com its written by a psychotherapist who's interest is the family and different kinds of family situations.

Good luck to you and I hope you get pg soon!

Juno Sat 16-Nov-02 22:15:50

Hi everyone

My first posting, but I had to get in on the act, as I am Dot1's partner and I had to tell you how proud I am of her!
I think it must be loads harder to be the non-biological mum, but it will be easier for me when - hopefully - she reproduces, as she's forged the way.
I'm relieved at the positive response her posting has got so far. You're so devoted to your child, you get totally freaked out thinking anyone could treat him badly just because of who/what his parents are.
Good to hear from you, Sparks - I lurk, too!

The method we used, by the way, was hopelessly Blue Peterish, involving a syringe and a yoghurt pot, not to mention a virtually unembarrassable (male!) friend...

WideWebWitch Sat 16-Nov-02 22:34:49

Juno, welcome to mumsnet too

cocococo Sun 17-Nov-02 14:12:06

Juno - my business partner took a long time to get pregnant and it cost quite a bit of money for the donations from the sperm bank too - how many attempts with the yogurt pot and syringe did it take - I bet she'll be green with envy as it cost nothing and probably happened quickly for you gals!!

Juno Sun 17-Nov-02 15:31:22

Thank you for the welcome!

I tried in the January, Dot1 tried in the February and then I tried in the March, successfully, but no thanks to the ovulation testing kit we had, which showed no sign of ovulation. We'd plotted our basal temperatures for about a year beforehand, so we knew roughly the length of our cycles. Of course, now we actually have our ds, it's much harder to lie still every morning long enough to take our temperatures!

Aside from the practical aspect, I'm really glad we've used (in the nicest sense) someone we know and like. I wouldn't like to have had to go to a sperm bank, but I guess not everyone has such obliging friends... We drew up a shortlist - he had to be nice, single, HIV negative (couldn't afford sperm washing) and, well, open-minded!

aloha Sun 17-Nov-02 18:24:16

Hi Juno, just out of sticky-beak interest (!) does your ds see his biological father? And if so, what does he think of him as? I have gay friends, one of whom is deeply broody ATM. I'm sure they would be interested in hearing about your experiences.

bayleaf Sun 17-Nov-02 19:23:00

Hi Juno - Must be great for you both having a partner who 'understands' about Mumsnet - mind you I suppose the down side is that you can't bitch about dp in private on here like most of us can and do

SimonHoward Sun 17-Nov-02 20:22:29

Juno

Can I ask why the donor had to be single?

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