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Anyone sometimes regret having a second child?

(59 Posts)
pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:14:17

I know this sounds a bit controversial and I dont wish DD2 away now shes here!!! But it has been the toughest 9 mths of my life. We get very little sleep, she cries quite a lot of the time, rarely sleeps in the day and has had all sorts of health concerns which has taken us back and forth to hospital. Although DD1 had her ups and downs and i probably did enjoy motherhood much more after the first year, it wasnt anyway near as horrendous as this. I feel really sad about it all but feel my life has been stolen from me, DH and DD1 as we are so stressed, worried and sleep deprived all the time. I was undecided about having a second child as I had found the baby stage hard work but had reckoned that I would be less anxious this time (TBF if she had been like DD1 as a baby I probably would have been) and I also liked the idea of another little person growing up and giving us the joy DD1 has. But in the midst of all this anguish i wonder if we have done the right thing at times? I'm not sure how much more we can take!!! Sorry for moan, its all i seem to do these days.

Tortington Wed 30-Jan-08 21:18:08

i think a lot of people feel like that a lot

chankins Wed 30-Jan-08 21:21:03

especially if you have had health worries, no sleep etc. Anyone would feel the same. Makes you realise how different they all are doesn't it !
I hope thinks get better soon. Before you know it she will be her own little individual character, walking about and chatting away, and it will all be worth it. dd2 is much harder work than dd1 ever was, but I love her for it ! It will get better.

charliemama Wed 30-Jan-08 21:25:07

Pevie I have felt like that about DS2 many times. I thought DD was hard (she was my second) but DS2 has taken hard to new levels. Now at 7 months I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, but I still start each day thinking how am I going to make it to the end! I know it is not much comfort, but I wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings. Take heart things will get better and one day you will look back on this days and wonder where they went! (At least that's what I keep telling myself).

pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:26:35

Thanks for comments. I keep having to tell myself that one day we will all enjoy our lives as a family and she will be her own little person, it just feels like its taking an awful long time.

mintchips Wed 30-Jan-08 21:27:00

I know I did. I felt so guilty after having dd2 about the time and attention taken from dd1. I didn't adjust at all well from going from one to two and really found it hard to devide myself between the 2.

charliemama Wed 30-Jan-08 21:30:46

FWIW despite the arguments and constant wind ups my Dcs all love each other very much. It makes me feel better to know that no matter what happens they will always have each other to turn to if they need to. My dad is an only child and it was hard for him dealing with the ill health of his parents on his own. Sorry if that sounds a bit morbid!

Wotz Wed 30-Jan-08 21:31:26

My dd1 was a awful baby, but dd2 was a delight, so I was thrilled as we'd had all the hard work with dd1.

It sounds like you are experiencing the opposite.

It will get better, you might have PND, please go and see your GP. FWIW I had PND with both of mine.

chankins Wed 30-Jan-08 21:35:22

When my dds play for ages together really nicely, I am very glad I had them both ! They do annoy and fight each other, but I a hoping they will be good mates in years to come. It will be easier once she is mobile and vocal, I am sure. dd2 was a whingey whiney baby, unlike dd1, who put up with anything and never complained. But we can't expect them all to be the same, even if it would make out lives easier !
dd2 is still hard work at nearly 4, now its because she is becoming jealous of ds, 8 mo, but I think hard luck, a big family is good for you, you will appreciate it later on!
You do feel guilty about having less time for each on,e but this is simply part of life, they will have this at nursery and school, etc, it a good life lesson to wait your turn, be patient, but also confident and strong willed if you need attention.
Sorry, babbling on !

pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:36:29

Wotz, have been to GP lots of times, mostly with DD2 but went last time on my own. He doesnt think its PND, as he says its very natural to feel the way I do as things are very difficult. When shes a bit more settled and we get some sleep I do feel ok but it doesnt last long. Today I had a totally blow out though and screamed to DH that i couldnt do this anymore which started both DD1 and 2 crying. Felt awful!!!! Worry that i've turned from ok mother to one, to crappy mother to 2!!!!

babblington Wed 30-Jan-08 21:37:57

felt just like that a lot. DD2 is now 19months and possibly the best thing ever, apart from Dd1, they are both a constant delight. Think it changed when DD2 became about 12 months and became herself, less of a thing. Now thinking about no.3!

charliemama Wed 30-Jan-08 21:38:43

I have frequently posted on here about my troubles with DS2. Someone once used the phrase 'Truly Awful Baby' and it helped me to acknowledge that DS2 is really hard. It is not my fault. I tend to feel guilt at the slightest thing, and like you I really worried about the impact it was all having on DS1 and DD. I don't think I have PND but I certainly have times of hitting very low points. At these times I want to shut myself away from the world, but actually getting out and seeing friends is what I really need. It also gives DD the chance to socilaise and have time with me as I can hand Ds2 to my friends.

lostandlonely Wed 30-Jan-08 21:40:43

i dont regret having dc2 but it has been flipping hard work!!!

Wotz Wed 30-Jan-08 21:43:40

pevie maybe you are not making it clear to the GP that you can't carry on like this. Its not right.

pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:44:33

I do get out and socialise a lot and it does help!!!! she sometimes lets others hold her but not often so its hard work!!! I think its made harder because we did have a point where we debated whether to do it again as i felt I probably would be quite happy with one!!!!! So now I just think if only i'd decided against it!!! Terrible I know.

Wotz Wed 30-Jan-08 21:46:06

my dd1 was an awful baby, I loved her, but I didn't like her at all! She's lovely now she's 11 and I like her lots and lots now.

She started to be nice at around 2!

Wotz Wed 30-Jan-08 21:48:47

You can't think like that because you don't have one you have more than one. So not point in beating yourself up about it.

pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:51:06

Wotz, have to go back to my GP soon to review how I'm feeling but I'm not sure that I would want him to put me on antidepressants. How would that help my situation? I really need practical help to manage this. At moment, DH does get up with girls in morning when hes around although he can be away overnight a lot. My mum also comes up a few times a week and helps with housework, taking girls for hour or two. Apart from that which I know is better than many, dont have much support to deal with it. Would love to leave them (or DD2 at least) for a while but she is still being bf and they have advised us to try dairy free formula which she hates!!!! If got help with BF may help me to feel more free. My HV for DD1 was excellent and nothing was too much trouble but unfortunately although HV this time has helped a little she doesnt get in touch that often!!!! Feel it would be really helpful to have a HV on board when things this hard.

Wotz Wed 30-Jan-08 21:54:06

My HV was never there, Dh worked away a lot, my mum was miles away. I wish lulu was around she'd give you some good advice.

Mousie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:54:09

yes

exactly like you dd was not great as a baby but we got some sleep eventually. DS was a total colicy nightmare - the worst 2 years of my life - Now it is my dd that gives me trouble (special needs stuff) and my ds is my total delight - by comparison. So in the end I am glad I had two, though I still get jealous when I see people with two easy babies/ toddlers just sitting in buggies - mine were always crying and fidgeting and then later bashing each other!

good luck.

charliemama Wed 30-Jan-08 21:55:54

I don't think it's terrible. You can't know what sort of baby you are going to have so you can't predict how it will affect your life, or how you will cope. Believe it or not I would love to have 4 Dcs but I can't do another one like DS2 and I am not prepared to take the risk. That makes me feel sad.

A week before i had DS2 my friend had her first and she has been a breeze. BF easily, slept well from birth. She is generally a content and placid baby. After she came to visit I felt grief that my baby wasn't like that. I have felt cheated of the happy family I had in my head when I was pg with DS2.

I think we should be more honest about our feelings. I often feel a pressure to smile and look happy when I feel like screaming. People don't expect you to feel negatively about your child. I feel shame about some of the feelings I have since having DS2, but it doesn't mean I don't love him. I know in my heart he is as precious to me as DS1 and DD. Noone would choose to have this daily struggle and it is IMO luck of the draw what sort of baby you have.

SDorry I am rambling I just feel the need to say you are not alone and that I understand what you are feeling and I don't think you are a crappy mum. I think you are someone having a tough time. You obviuosly love and care about your DCs very much. Don't be too hard on yourself.

pevie Wed 30-Jan-08 21:57:50

Two years!!!!! I keep hoping that it will settle after first year. She has had reflux type symptoms and many people talk about it getting better after first year so keep praying. Who is lulu and what would she say as could do with some wise advice?

GodzillasAbominableBumcheek Wed 30-Jan-08 21:59:07

I have had difficulties with DD3 (she was my second time round as the first two were twins), and people had been saying 'oooh, you'll think having one is a doddle after having twins...'

NO and NO. Babies are not all the same - the twins were difficult because they arrived together, but DD3 was difficult (still is at times) because she is her - a clingy, noisy, into everything, silent reflux, non-sleeping monster/angel, who is the bane of my life. She has taken away all the freedom we had just gained with the twins being older, and restricted us to going out between feeds, not being able to visit and chat with friends etc...

But also, she is the biggest joy in my life too, as we have grown so much as a family thanks to her (and i don't mean the obvious that we are 5 now, not 4 hmm).

I guess that means yes and no to the OP then...

chankins Wed 30-Jan-08 21:59:15

Leave them for a while if it helps you sort your head out ! It won't hurt them.
It sounds like you feel like running away screaming, perhaps some time with old pals to have a good gossip and moan would be good ?
Don't feel guilty for having these feelings, they are perfectly natura. my mum always says of my brother who was her 4th, if I had had him first I would not have had any more ! He was such hard work. Some just are. I am sure she will change, and start to bring you joy in other ways.

WendyWeber Wed 30-Jan-08 22:00:01

dd2 was a stroppy baby and toddler, and dd1 was very anxious for quite a while after she was born; in fact at one point my HV (a nice normal helpful person usually) suggested that maybe dd1 was meant to be an only child hmm She was also wakeful at night on and off for the first couple of years, and we used to have some rowdy nights with her.

It did get better though, and now they are grown up they are pretty much each other's best friends. So hang in there, pevie smile

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