I can’t cope and get angry

[ThePoliceOfficer]

I’ve posted about this so many times and tried all the advice and read the books suggested but I’m still stuck….my 5 yr old DD just doesn’t take any notice of me and I’m 1) really fucking fed up of it and 2) just feel really shit that I’m letting her down. Today she was down because 2 friends were having a play date and she wasn’t invited. I tried calmly explaining that she could have her own play date, we would do something fun once we got home or go to the park etc, tried the “tell me how your feeling” and “I understand” etc but her being down ended up her being moody and refusing to come the housing, refusing to take shoes off, refusing everything and then she started choking her uniform off and trying to rip her dress. In the end I told her off and said she needed to calm down and I walked away. She screamed and screamed from the stairs for me to come back and I said I would listen to her once she’d stop screaming and come an apologised. Screaming continued so I said she’d better stop before waking up the baby otherwise she’s going in time out. More screaming, more tantrums and then she started bashing up whatever was around her so I put her in her room for time out. I can hear her crying and trashing her room. Now I feel terrible because she’s even more upset than before because she’s not on a play date plus her mums told her off……but at the same time, why doesn’t she bloody listen to me and then she wouldn’t be on time out!

[ZooKeeper19]

Hello, I know little about you or your DD but I want to say you are doing a good job. I have smaller kids and I am sure with age comes more challenges.

I have ASD and all I can say is I was really really angry frustrated child and I to this day do not know how to apologise. It's a concept I cannot get. Being asked to apologise used to send me to rage. I also fought a lot at home. Things like ultimatums from my parents made me livid, not because of the ultimatum but because of how the parents used it to try and make me do things or stop me doing things rather than just letting me be.

With my son, what works is after initial meltdown. I just come down to the floor and offer him a hug. For now, that works. No matter what was wrong who made a mistake, just a hug, no talking no questions no apologies no words, just a hug. I will try and not say to him to calm down, or apologise, just sooth him there and move on. Like nothing happened. Ask what he wants to eat, play with, just pretend the before never happened.

I ma be totally off, just a thought.

[Mamabear04]

Hey OP that sounds really tough. It's so annoying when they don't listen. I think maybe your DD is frustrated because she can't articulate how she is feeling. It's so hard being left out and feeling rejected. I think you did the right thing suggesting something fun to do to make up for her not being invited to the play date. Could it be that when she didn't respond the way you hoped she would that you got a bit frustrated too because you couldn't fix the problem? (I know I would) And then it seems to have just escalated. I would 100% say pick your battles - throwing things and the like is normal for frustrated kids. Could you try to get her to chanel this energy into something else - sports? Out of school groups where she can make different friends? Distract her with silly games?

Have you thought about playing with little figures to create play-social situations and see if she will let slip some more feelings/maybe there's more going on as to why she wasn't invited?

It's so hard when you are already at your wits end but you are doing a good job.

[thelegohooverer]

I’m not suggesting that you’re doing anything wrong, but I have found that talking about feelings can lead my dc down rabbit holes, and it’s more helpful to ask questions like
“And then what happened?”
“And what were you thinking?”
“I wonder what she was thinking…”
And to mirror back exactly what has been said, literally repeating the words.

I don’t think there’s any one right answer. Sometimes you have to try different types of communication to find what works.

@ZooKeeper19 that’s very interesting. Ds also cannot apologise and I’ve found it best to just draw a line and move on. Assigning blame (and avoiding any taint of it) seems to be hugely important to him. It’s such a different way of thinking to mine that it can be confusing.

[FarmersWife3]

I don't have much of a solution, but wanted to reach out as my 7yr old DS is/was the same (outbursts are less frequent now).
You aren't letting your DD down - you are trying your best and seeking help where you can -that's all you can do.
My DS has always had massive meltdowns, often despite efforts from me to be understanding and calm (as you have described). DS gets overwhelmed by emotions and can't control themselves, sometimes over the smallest things. I have to walk away to save my sanity sometimes, but have found it is important to be with DS as much as possible, even when he is screaming and shouting (and I really want to scream back and can't!), and available for hugs and cuddles as soon as he is able to accept them (which can take a long time!). I have to restrain myself from asking questions or criticising once they are calmer, as this usually sets him off again (sometimes i can't help myself - you want them to understand how unhelpful the behaviour is!).
As ZooKeeper19 has said, i've found ultimatums, counting to 10 etc are usually counter-productive and wind DS up, and trying to make the required task 'fun' sometimes works, but when i'm already frustrated, my capacity to make a routine task (like coming in to the house from the car) fun is limited!
Now DS is that bit older, calmly leaving him to sit quietly (without any demands or 'help' from me) sometimes works best. So could you leave DD sitting in the car for a bit if she refuses to come in, no pressure, and keep checking if she needs you/wants to come in every few mins?

[Gorl]

There’s a really good Instagram account called @biglittlefeelings which has really good advice on talking to children

[ThePoliceOfficer]

Thank you all for the advice, lots of things to consider. Glad to know I’m not alone (although it sure does feel like it sometimes!)