Just can't cope with newborn

[Kirky658]

I have a beautiful baby girl who is coming up to 6 weeks old this week. She was born at 35 weeks by Emergency C Section as I was so ill with severe pre eclampsia. I stayed in hospital for 11 nights and LO in NICU and SCBU for 16 days. Lots of other dramas ensued with both my care and hers and it was an awful experience. We came home around 3 weeks ago and everything was great while DH was on paternity leave as I had loads of help.

Now I feel like I am just failing at every turn. I wanted to breastfeed and she couldn't latch so had to turn to a nipple shield which I hated. When she was in NICU we had to feed her EBM in specific amounts to ensure she put weight on so I can't mentally deal with breastfeeding as I don't know how much she's having now. I am still expressing and bottle feeding 6 times a day.

I just feel like I can't enjoy her being a baby because I get so stressed and anxious over every little thing. She is constantly hungry between feeds but if I feed her more she's often sick as if she can't take that much. I'm just at a loss. My parents have said to give her formula as it will keep her full for longer but with the lack of 'proper' breastfeeding I'd feel even more guilty moving to formula.

I have been referred to the mental health team and having counselling at the moment but I just feel like I can't cope properly. I love her dearly but I just don't know where else to turn.

[nahnahnahnahnahyeh]

Bless you OP.

Have you considered getting in touch with a breastfeeding group like La Leche League for support with getting baby back onto the breast?

For balance- I was a pure "breast is best" mum first time around and suffered with A LOT of anxiety.
But with my second he was combi fed as I was a lot more rational and realised it wasn't poison.

You have to keep healthy to be the best mother you can be and if formula helps with that, then so be it. You will not think about your feeding decisions a year or 2 down the line.

This is such a tough time and whatever you decide will be the right decision

[doadeer]

Using nipple Shields doesn't mean you aren't properly breastfeeding. You're doing an amazing job. I know they can be annoying (I used them for 12 months) but you are absolutely breastfeeding.

You're doing wonderfully, try to stop doubting yourself

[Cuddlemuffin]

If she is crying between feeds but throwing up if you try to feed her more maybe she is just looking for comfort? Could you try a dummy? Some babies love movement so could you try bouncing her a bit whilst holding her. This is totally a frame of mind thing and so on the short term you need support. Do you have anyone to chat to and to give you a bit of company? It sounds like you've had a really bumpy start so it's not surprising you are feeling overwhelmed. It's scary for all of us even if everything is straight forward from the start? Also FYI 6 weeks is usually the peak of crying with newborns, if you look up the purple period if crying it may give you some comfort to know that it isn't necessarily anything you're doing wrong xx

[Kirky658]

@nahnahnahnahnahyeah to be honest, I don't want to go to full breastfeeding as I can't cope with it. We do it occasionally but I just can't deal with something else to get to grips with.

@doadeer it's not that I am ashamed of using the shields, just that I aren't a fan, it is just a pain as baby keeps trying to pull it off!

@cuddlemuffin she's opening her mouth, fingers in mouth, rooting etc. We've got her on a dummy but I'm not wanting her to get too dependent on it. I've been visiting my parents a lot, which helps, but my friends who have kids just don't understand how I'm feeling and keep saying it will pass. But I've never felt so down and upset.

The start to motherhood was awful and I'm trying to keep my own health in check as well as trying to care for little one.

[mirror9]

I had an emergency c section at 33 weeks due to pre eclampsia. I really felt like I had failed. My milk never came in and I felt dreadful due to the meds for the high blood pressure. I was in hosp for over a week and baby in for 16 days.
He was initially syringe fed and I was not allowed to hold him. I did not see him until about 14 hours after birth.
It was not the start I wanted for motherhood. It was a whirlwind. A lot of firsts were taken away from me like nappies, getting him dressed, and first bath.
I think what you are feeling is normal. If you had been through a traumatic illness and major op you would normally be able to lounge in bed and rest but here you are dealing with the physical, mental and emotional load of a new baby whilst not being in a good place yourself. You had an idea of what it was going to be like and it has not turned out that way.
You do need to talk to someone. Perhaps review the birth with someone.
Be easy on yourself. If the breast feeding is causing you distress then switch to formula. Do whatever you need to to get through this time. Be kind to yourself and your baby will thrive.

[Kirky658]

@mirror9 oh my goodness you could have written my birth out word for word, that's what happened to me. I was on high dependency for 48 hrs on drips, mag sulfate and hydralazine and meds so couldn't see her as well as feeling vile. She was then moved to the other side of the hospital instead of NICU due to space issues and I couldn't see her as they had to monitor me every hour and it was too far to go. My BP spiked again on day 4 and I was back in HDU till day 12. Thank you for sharing your experience and letting me know I'm not alone. X.

[Dmsandfloatydress]

She is cluster feeding! Its totally normal. All cluster feeding babies drink, throw up a bit, drink some more. They do this until about 10 weeks. You just continually breastfeed until they fall asleep. Its totally normal and natural. You are doing a great job mummy. It will get better !

[Bookishnerd]

Hi OP

Here with good thoughts

I’m about a year ahead of you on this journey and wanted to say three thing

1. you are doing a brilliant job, well done. This bit is hard but you already sound like you are smashing it.
   
   
2. don’t let anyone else sway your feeding choices. If you want to give a bit of formula, crack on. If you want to persevere with breastfeeding, please do get support. There’s tonnes of it out there now that things have started opening up again. But also don’t feel pressured into continuing if you really don’t want to. FWIW, I stopped breastfeeding after six weeks. Some days I regretted it. Some days I was glad I did. But at 17 months now, my little boy really doesn’t care!
   
   
3. could it be tongue tie? We had a similar experience. Rooting almost non-stop, then a bit of sickness when I put him back on. It was like he was full, but then wanted more. Turned out it was an undiagnosed tongue tie, and the sickness was caused by additional wind. Not saying it’ll be the same in your case, but just worth getting it checked. Many health visitors have an infant feeding team who’ll do home visits for BF.
   
   Anyway, I just wanted to come on and say ‘you’ve got this’. Sending really good vibes

[Dmsandfloatydress]

Also if she cries just put her back on the boob. For the first three months they just feed, poop and sleep. It's normal to be stuck to them 24/7. I know it's not fun but the feeds will soon space out if you just let her feed. My son used to feed for 7 hours straight. Its instinct and ups your supply.

[Elisemum]

Please don’t beat yourself up on breastfeeding “failure”. I tried for 3 days and it was too painful and I said no way I’m doing this, on to formula straight away, baby was happy and so was I! He is now a lovely 2,5 big happy boy. With regards to you not enjoying her being a baby becouse you are anxious… well I was the same and I think most of new mums are the same.. I was constantly worried about every small thing, even when he was sound asleep I couldn’t sleep cos I was watching him all night, checking , making sure he is ok… well look that’s just us being mums… it WILL get better and I’m sure you are doing an amazing job. A glass of wine in the evening to take the edge off is always a good idea in my book :)

[Kirky658]

@dmsandfloatydress sorry if my post wasnt clear initially, I am expressing and bottle feeding as I can't cope with breastfeeding. I only put her on the boob occasionally between feeds if she is hungry as on advice from the health visitor we are doing 4 hourly feeds.

@bookishnerd thank you. I just feel guilty for expressing breast milk and feeding her that rather than doing it 'properly'. But as I've just mentioned I don't feel I can cope emotionally with breast feeding her full time as I need to sleep, and want DH and her grandparents involved with feeds too as they really like it. Funnily enough the HV asked last week if she'd been checked for a tongue tie as she bites when on the boob and bites the bottle teats, she tried to check her last week but she wouldn't open her mouth as she was sleeping lol.

[Kirky658]

@elisemum sorry I just saw your post as I posted my reply, lol. Thanks for your comment, it is good to know your BF journey. I will have fed her breast milk for 6 weeks this week so I feel I've done the best I can for her but feels like the HV aren't keen on my moving to formula. Just my anxiety talking I think. Ps the wine is a good idea, lol

[Mymapuddlington]

Oh sweetheart, try not to beat yourself up.
Do your best and I promise it’s good enough.

I think the guilt and worry of motherhood isn’t mentioned so when you feel so overwhelmed and inadequate you think you’re not coping when in reality we all feel like that.

You’ll be worrying about milestones, friendships, behaviour all the way up until worrying about uni and husbands. So deep breath, is baby fed? Yes. Is baby comfortable? Yes. Is baby clean? Yes. Then you’re doing brilliantly.

[FrancesFlute]

@doadeer

Using nipple Shields doesn't mean you aren't properly breastfeeding. You're doing an amazing job. I know they can be annoying (I used them for 12 months) but you are absolutely breastfeeding.

You're doing wonderfully, try to stop doubting yourself

OP, sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

Absolutely agree with @doadeer! I used them exclusively for about 7 months. Much of the time I felt like I was a BFing fraud as I wasn't doing it 'properly'. Three years later, I look back and laugh at myself for being so silly. My baby was fed, end of.
Your mental health is most important. Using shields can work for some (have you tried some different brands? I used Boots own) but if it doesn't then so be it.

[Dmsandfloatydress]

Ah I see! The constantly hungry between feeds is still cluster feeding though. Bottle fed babies do this too. Are you able to pop her on the boob between bottle feeds as this will help. Doesnt matter if she just sticks it up. Also I agree that the anxiety is new mum anxiety. My son was also born early by c section and I was plagued by anxiety for the first 12 months. It was mostly the sleep deprivation and birth trauma. I got some therapy once I was out of the woods and that helped to resolve it.

[Ragwort]

Expressing is exhausting- I also had an EMCS and struggled to breast feed - I was later advised that this can be quite usual for babies born by CS ... it was in the days when hospitals were extremely militant about breast feeding and I was kept in fir 6 days as my DS didn't put on weight - we had also been given very traumatic info about a condition he was born with (later surgically corrected) so it was no surprise I found breast feeding stressful. Once I got home I did manage to breast feed but also gave 1-2 bottles of formula a day and that made life so much easier.

There is very little guidance and support for combi feeding but I think it deserves more acknowledgment..

[Dmsandfloatydress]

You are doing great and sounds like your baby is too.

[RidingMyBike]

OP have you talked to your GP or HV about how you're feeling? You sound very like I was at about the 4-6 week point and I ended up being diagnosed with severe PND and anxiety. We had a rocky start with a readmission to SCBU, I wasn't enjoying my baby at all, was totally overwhelmed by everything and BFing was making it a million times worse. It all went rapidly downhill once DH went back to work.
My GP was brilliant, really supportive and helpful (HV was the opposite but we barely saw her so no great loss) and we did get through it.

[Tigger1895]

Can you contact a district nurse? I breast fed but was told after 2 weeks he wasn’t feeding properly so wasn’t getting enough. You are struggling and putting pressure on yourself (which is completely normal) if you combi feed you can take some of that pressure off by allowing someone else to feed whistle you rest. This will allow you time to enjoy your baby and connect better and once that’s achieved there’s nothing stopping you from going back to full breast.

[Snorkello]

You are not failing! You’re doing your best after a crappy start to motherhood. It’s never easy, but this must have been really hard for you.

Ignore the breast is best advice over formula if that’s what is best for you. Mums mental health is the priority. If you want to express, get a decent pump. If you don’t, switch to bottles or formula feed. Combo feeding is fab too. There’s no right or wrong way.

She may have reflux, so keep her upright after feeds.

You are not alone. It’s bloody hard work! You don’t need permission to make any decision involving your body.

Dummy’s are great. Don’t sweat it. She will be fine if you give her one.

It’s early days. Sending hugs

[HBGKC]

A 6 week old only getting feeds every four hours doesn't sound quite right to me. Their stomachs are TINY at that age, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was hungry in between (although formula is 'heavier' and takes them longer to digest).

I know you feel currently that breastfeeding would only add to your woes; I can only encourage you to persevere (even with shields, as my DSis did for almost a year!) as it may turn out to make your life a lot easier. Kellymom is a great website, and LLL as pp mentioned can be very helpful. Good luck, you're doing really well. The first 3 months with your first are HARD! But you're doing it, and it will all get easier soon xx

[Kirky658]

Thank you everyone. It is encouraging to know I'm not alone. @ridingmybike yes I've been referred to our 'parent and baby unit' for counselling and support with bonding as well as some sort of post birth chat with a midwife to discuss the experience. But days like today have just drained me.

[Bookishnerd]

Please do know that you are not alone.

[brushlaptop]

Omg you are AMAZING to even do any expressing at all after that experience! Breast milk makes the most difference in the first 4-6 weeks and you've done that already so you should be proud and have ZERO guilt moving to formula, who cares what the health visitor says half of them haven't even had kids themselves and are reading out of a manual.
For what it's worth, from my antenatal class it's the little girl who was exclusively formula fed who is the most advanced developmentally, which goes to show how they are fed has no effect on outcomes even as little as a year later so there you go!

[Mumoftwoinprimary]

Oh - you poor thing - sounds like you have massively been through the wars.

And you are doing so well - pumping is so incredibly hard - it has all the hardest bits of breastfeeding and all the hardest bits of bottle feeding.

It must be really scary to think of no longer knowing just how much she is getting but maybe you could start moving towards that. Maybe change one feed to a pure breastfed one to start with and go from there?

Is there a reason to do with your dd's prematurity that means that you were advised to feed every 4 hours? When I had my two (now 11 and 8) I was feeding every 3 hours during the day. Could slightly more often feeds help?

Most of all though I think you need to spend this week looking after you. Don’t try and do everything - your house won’t fall down if you do no laundry for a week. (I have done extensive experiments on this.)

Go back to bed with your daughter, your favourite books, your tablet and some lovely snacks. You have done something amazing - you have grown an entire person. Aren’t you marvellous! Isn’t she marvellous!