Is being a mum really bad as many make out?

[nervousscaredxxxx]

Please forgive the name it’s just how I feel right now! And if I’ve put this on the wrong topic I’m sorry I thought this was most appropriate?

I’m quite early pregnant and suffering with morning sickness and tiredness - normal symptoms in a pregnancy. I hate not feeling healthy or ‘normal’ so this has really knocked me down. During this time I’ve had so many thoughts like how can I be a mother if I can’t handle some vomiting and tiredness? Especially the tiredness

I don’t have any excitement right now. My partner is excited and excited to tell family but for some reason I just feel reluctant to. I’m scared and I’m nervous and don’t know if I’ll be a good mum. I’m scared I’m putting this child at a disadvantage by having me as a mother

It also doesn’t help that at the minute all I seem to be finding is posts and articles saying how hard it is to be a mother and how draining and bad it is!

I’m in such a difficult place I don’t know if it’s hormones but I just feel so low about this. I’m quite young too (early 20s under 25) and I just keep having thoughts like I’ll be young with my freedom pretty much gone!

I’ve tried to speak to DP without it sounding like i want to book a termination but he does get that vibe. I don’t know I just guess I want to hear it’s not bad and it’s actually good to be a mum

[toolazytothinkofausername]

I had DS1 when I was 23 and had DS2 when I was 24.

Being a mum with no support is awful. Being a mum with a supportive partner and family/friends is fantastic The first 6 years are hard, but also so wonderful Now my boys are 8 and 10 and they are so much fun!

[Vicky1989x]

I’m not gonna lie, it is hard but it’s sooo rewarding at the same time. Just watching this little human you made grow up, learn new things, become a person - it’s just an amazing experience. It is draining but it’s worth it in the end.

[elizabethdraper]

Yes

[roarfeckingroarr]

My experience of motherhood (baby is only 7 months) is that it's absolutely wonderful. I'm tired yeah but I feel so much love and joy every day. My son makes me feel fulfilled, excited about everything and like a stronger, kinder person. I still have everything I had before, just a little less freedom to go out at night, but that's ok for now.

[MissScotland101]

I hated being pregnant in the first trimester, nothing tasted right, I looked like shit, I felt like shit but after that first trimester then it was easier.

I had my DD at 21 and on the day my waters broke then my partner went to the pub and put his phone off knowing full well i was home alone with broken waters, he left for work on that day and I never heard from him again until my DD was 4 months, in one day I had to deal with being a new mum and being dumped and it was the worst experience of my life, it’s probably why I never had any more kids, I was very insecure when pregnant too and the man I was with at the time made me feel worse.

I have heard women say that giving birth and having kids was the best time of their life and I’m sorry, but I don’t agree, I always look at women that have 3 kids plus and think ‘why’, I wouldn’t want to put 3 kids before myself and I hold my hands up to that, one kid I could cope with but not more.

I had support in the way of babysitters but I didn’t get much emotional support, but we are all different, what you are feeling is probably normal and once the first trimester passes then you should feel okay, if you have a decent partner then you’re halfway there.

[AnnaSW1]

It's the most fantastic thing I've ever done!

[MissScotland101]

I should add that now I’m older and my DD is 18 then I’m a much better mother, and my HV once told me that every parent has a favourite age of their child that they cope best with, mines was the teenage years as I’m quite young at heart and when I was young then my mum wasn’t the easiest to talk to at all and I’ve made sure that my DD can come to me about anything and I won’t go mental, like my mum did at me, and she wonders why I never told her anything, the only thing about her being 18 is that she no longer has to ask my permission to go places and she thinks she knows it all, and that’s hard to cope with and makes me anxious, I was quite glad of lockdown a little as she was dying to go clubbing legally when she hit 18 which was last year and I was so damn anxious about that!

[Passionfruitpizza]

I love it being a mum.
This sounds terrible but I only got pregnant because it's the thing that everyone does and I didn't really like kids that much. It totally changed my life and priorities. Getting to watch a new person be formed is the most amazing thing in the world, seeing more and more of their personality, being surprised by them all the time, having them make you laugh. I wouldn't trade having kids for the works. On the downside yes it's exhausting, sometimes they're irritating and it can be an adjustment realising you have 24/7 responsibility for another life and can't lie on sofa hungover on a Sunday or spontaneously go to the cinema.

[inmyslippers]

It's worse but worth it

[Chelyanne]

It is life changing. Yes you lose some freedoms and you are always putting that little person 1st but... it can be very rewarding too.
I had our 1st at 21, becoming a parent showed me how many "friends" I really had, not very many even one who had a child 4 month after me became a stranger. I'm expecting baby number 6 now, have a husband in the military who is barely home. I keep them alive and happy (most of the time) so parenting is not easy but it's only as hard as you allow it to be.

[nervousscaredxxxx]

Thank you for the comments so far.

Sorry if I seem ungrateful I feel so guilty for my thoughts. I hope they change because I have seen “but it’s worth it” a lot and right now I’m just feeling like what if I don’t see it that way?

What if I don’t love the new version of me? What if I don’t love my child?

I feel so sad and guilty about this. Regarding my partner he is the best ever and my worries are not about his ability to be a dad at all! If anything he’s going to be a better dad than I will be a mother.

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

It can be hard to be a mother but I think the people that struggle the most are those with rose-tinted glasses. My friends had many cycles of failed IVF then were successful. Parenthood is not the dream they imagined. They have very fixed ideas on how they should be as parents and their child does not fit easily into the role they ascribed to her. They don't seem to accept the changes a baby makes on their lifestyle. Glass tables and designer dresses aren't appropriate.

I had a perfect pregnancy but was worried about whether I'd be too selfish to be a good mother. I thought I didn't really like children (but I think it's actually really badly behaved children and their parents I object to). Until my baby was born I didn't know how I'd be. I found it hard to have someone dependent on me. I needed 'me' time. The first few years were harder until nursery. I had lots of family members keen to babysit. I love being a mother though. My child has some medical conditions and it has been hard but I'd never regret my choice to have her.

[Mylittlesandwich]

I sucked at being pregnant. Like a lot. My body fell apart and by the time DS was born I couldn't walk. I also wasn't great with a newborn, I had really bad PND. I told DH to take him and leave me several times, fortunately he didn't. I found it monotonous and boring at the same I was losing my damned mind! So no it's not easy and you're right.

He's 18 months old today and I love having a toddler. He's so funny and his cheeky little personality lights up the room. I'm aware I'm biased but he is also the cutest miniature person I've ever had the pleasure to spend time with. I do not like other people's children but I love mine.

I also don't feel like I'm a different person than I was before. I still like the same things, I still love getting my nails done and make sure that happens. I spend time with my family both with and without DS. The first few months were all consuming but now that he's a little more independent and I'm comfortable having other people look after him I feel more like myself.

I'm not naturally maternal and I have no affinity for children but this little guy speaks my language and we're great together. We often go to Asda on my day off and I think he enjoys it as much as I do! There are of course things I do that I wouldn't have done before, like spend an hour at a play park, but I actually enjoy it because it makes him so happy.

[Crosstrainer]

I’m not a “kiddy” person. Never have been. But my own two are the most fantastic people in the world. I love being their mum. I’m sure you’ll feel the same about your baby.

[MissScotland101]

OP you will be fine and all your worries are completely normal, don’t worry, you sound like you have a good man and just take each day as it comes and always ask when you’re unsure, the hospital will tell you so much as well and then you get the HV round for the first 10 days and they will guide you, there is no instruction manual.

I don’t know if this is true either or an old fishwives tale but I’ve heard that the first baby is always the easiest to trick you into having another, I only had one but she slept all night from 6 weeks and rarely cried and was content, I was very lucky and hopefully you will be too.

[MsChatterbox]

Being a mum is way better than first trimester ime (3 year old and 11 month old)

[miltonj]

It's hard but it's the best thing! I've never felt so settled, happy, confident and content.

First trimester of pregnancy is HARD. You may feel different once the sickness eases and you feel kicks. Everyone is different tho, so do take time to think wether this is what you want, you have time to decide x

[AliceW89]

Honesty? I’ve found the first year of motherhood exhausting and frustrating and monotonous yet it is still the most amazing thing I have done. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Alongside watching a tiny human who you love more than anything grow, discovering a whole new side to yourself is pretty amazing as well (if a little terrifying). Don’t get me wrong - I miss my old life in spades (although Covid has a part to play in that). I miss being an important, respected person at work, I miss spontaneity, I miss my body, I miss a clean house, I miss me time, I miss sleep! My relationship has changed spectacularly with my husband - it’s not bad, just completely different. But it is still eclipsed by my baby - sounds like sentimental bullshit but it’s the truth.

I can’t promise you will love either yourself or your new baby at first. I loved neither for a long time. Loving my baby took work but now I utterly adore him more than anything. Like would push my husband and all my friends of a cliff for him without a second thought. Loving this new iteration of myself is taking longer. It’s a work in progress - I’m sure that’s the same for a lot of women.

I think you sound sensible. You literally won’t know until you have the baby but I sense you’ll be ok. Like PP said above it’s the social media, rose tinted glasses, get straight back to your old life believers who struggle. I say that as I was one of them.

Good luck with everything.

[PastaLaVistaBBY]

It’s bloody lovely, OP. It can be hard and draining at times, but it’s also fun and exciting and warm and loving and rewarding. I had a lovely life before my baby, but I’ve never felt happier or more purposeful than I do now he’s here. He is the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me, and lots and lots of lovely things have happened to me before!

[Echobelly]

It's a how long is a piece of string question really.

Do you have family (or friends) nearby who might be able to do childcare sometimes? If so that makes a big difference to quality of life because you can have time with your partner. And if so, don't be a martyr and not go out because you think you're 'supposed' to not have time to yourself

You can have a baby that sleeps pretty well, has no health issues and is fairly easy going (and it does happen) and it can be easy, you can have one that doesn't but you can still be OK with that if you're the person who is happy to do a lot of giving.

About worrying if you'll be a good mum. If you're worried about being a good mum, then you're good mum. The ones you want to worry about are the people who think it'll be a piece of cake!

I think it's good you are young, you will be out of little kid dependent stage while you're still young.

[user1471519931]

It's honestly worse than you can ever imagine. I used to think I was tired. Lol

[ShirleyPhallus]

It is honestly the best thing ever and the positives outweigh the negatives 100:1

It’s also far easier than everyone makes out, everyone is so bloody negative about it but you might get an easy baby that slots in to your life and that is absolutely brilliant

[GintyMcGinty]

I've enjoyed being a mum. Whilst I've had hard moments I haven't found it hard overall at all. Mostly I enjoy it enormously. Mine are 12 and 8.

[BeepBoop1]

Mine are 3 and 1.5 and it's never been harder. I mean, it's really fucking hard some times. But honestly I wouldn't change a thing.

Don't worry if you don't feel anything yet. With my younger one, I didn't feel anything towards her (except for resentment for how tired and stressed she was making me!) for the first year of her life. Now I am absolutely in love with her.

As for the morning sickness, it normally passes a few weeks in. I think I started to feel better around week 14. Best of luck!

[BeepBoop1]

And when I say it's hard, I don't mean all the time. 80% of the time it's a joy. It's just that 20% is really challenging.