How do you possibly tell a child that there dad isn't actually their dad

(11 Posts)
caroline180 Tue 04-May-21 16:59:06

I'm looking for some advice please I had my 1st child when I was 16 it was a planned pregnancy with a boy I though loved me he told me everything he could to make me believe it. I fell pregnant then he left me I've never seen him to this day. My daughter is now 9. I was in a very bad place looking back and I moved on pritty fast to try and fill this hole he had left. I met this boy when my daughter was 9 months old things got serious very fast and my daughter ended up calling him dad. At first we did correct her but as time went on we both decided that we would allow this to happen as he was the man there for her. I know that this was the wrong thing to do but I was a child having a child and was suffering with depression. I was in this bubble and just needed to feel loved. The relationship went down hill only a few moths into it he started cheating but because I had no self confidence and was so low I took him back. The relationship was never the same from there he was emotionally abusive and I just could not and didn't really want out as I was so scared of being alone. I wish I'd have had the courage to do what deep down I k ew was the right thing and leave but I just couldn't. We ended up having out first child a few years later things got even worse more cheating Controling behaviour trying to stop me from working ect then I fell pregnant again. I ended the relationship so many times but he had this hold over me that I just couldn't brake through. We are now separated and he is still the same emotionally abusive man. It now I am strong enough that I don't let it effect me and this makes him even more mad. He does see the kids but it's a massive effort because he always causes so much drama. Never sticks to the plans turns up late or will not come at all. I know I need to tell my oldest daughter the truth about her real dad but I just don't know how. I've been Tring to do this now for a few years and everything I go to I stop myself because I don't want to hurt her. I know this is all my fault and I can't feel as bad as I already do this is my lie that has gotten me here and I know I have to tell the truth but how? My ex is always telling me he isn't her real dad and its to hurt me I'm so afraid of how their relationship will be after OK he's not the best dad but he was there for her when her real dad wasn't I definitely don't want to slag him off I want her to know that he didn't have to step up for her but u just don't know how to I also don't want to talk badly about her biological father. I don't want my daughter to get hurt I know that her biological father will never see her be made that very clear. What do i say and how. I don't want to say he didn't want us left and has made a new family. None of his family wanted to be involved as they said I was a child and they couldn't be apart of that situation her dad was 19 and I was 15 when we got together but 16 when I fell pregnant I just don't know what to do I really really need some advice please

OP’s posts: |
Schrutesbeets Tue 04-May-21 17:04:15

I think you need to be as honest as you can as soon as possible. The longer its left the worse it will be.
Could you ask the school/school nurse for advice? They might be able to facilitate an environment to discuss it with her with support?

caroline180 Tue 04-May-21 17:07:59

Thank you for replying I totally agree I was thinking about asko g the school for help but I'm so worried about being judged. I know it's not about me it about her I just have so much fear. It the sitting down and achualy telling her that I'm so worried about

OP’s posts: |
Schrutesbeets Tue 04-May-21 17:12:35

Please don't worry about the school judging you, a good school nurse or wellbeing officer will be dealing with much more shocking cases than yours. It will be hard but honestly will be the best thing. I know it's easy for me to say but I would make steps to get the ball rolling now. Contact the school tomorrow and just get it done. Good luck!

UserEleventyNine Tue 04-May-21 17:15:58

I agree that asking for support is a good idea. First of all to talk it all through yourself with someone who isn't emotionally involved, then for dd to have someone she can talk to.

What does her birth certificate say? One day she'll need it, for a passport or some other reason, and if you haven't already told her, she'll find out then.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 04-May-21 17:18:06

Does she know how babies are made?

Can you talk about how there's different ways to be a Dad? Babies are made when a plan and a woman have sex and his seed plants on her womb and grows into a baby. That's the Most you are, she grew in your belly.
Some parents choose a baby they love and might adopt a baby or might Move in with a mommy and the baby and choose to be their Daddy. That's how Dad became a Dad.

There is a man who put the seed in your guy, her biological dad, but he left before she was born as he didn't want to be a Dad.

That's when her Dad met you and decided he wanted to be her Daddy.

That's a bit waffley but you know what I mean

SleepingStandingUp Tue 04-May-21 17:19:03

Also no reason for anyone to judge. You made the decision you thought was right. Now you're making a new decision you know is now right.

FasterthanBolt Tue 04-May-21 17:19:15

Please don't worry about feeling judged, you did what you thought was best at the time and you did it from a place of love. I think you do need some help with this though and some support on how to move forwards but you don't have anything to feel ashamed about.

Happycat1212 Tue 04-May-21 17:23:37

I wouldn’t ask the school, I don’t think you need to do that, personally, and I can understand why you would feel judged, but yes the sooner you tell her the better.

Carouselfish Tue 04-May-21 19:05:41

Poor thing. The trouble is, she risks double rejection from the bio dad and the step dad once he knows she knows.

She might well want to contact bio dad even though he doesn't want to know. You need to frame him not wanting to know as very much not her fault. He doesn't know her. He's not rejecting her personally.

It is better to tell her asap before teen hormones hit.

Agree not involving the school. Not really their remit.

Calmyertits Tue 04-May-21 19:24:23

My dads not my biological dad and raised me from a similar age but i always knew so it was slightly different. Looking back, i wish i never knew, even now.

Id just explain her you had her when you were very young and the man wasn't ready to be a daddy yet.

I do feel like your ex is going to throw it back in her face and would worry what he would say to her if she wanted to talk to him alone about it. I get hes a giant cock womble but does he have enough love for that lovely little girl he raised to sit down with you and explain it to her together

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