This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Refusing overnight? Reasonable access?(10 Posts)
Hello , I’m a single parent and our child is 6 months old. She was born at 33 weeks. Me and her father were together until she was about 2 months old. He spent a month here caring for her with me when we went into another lockdown at the end of October, some of the time being in the NICU and the rest at my flat. After that month was over and we went into another lockdown, he could hardly find time to come down, because he had clients. I had told him he is welcome to come down whenever to see baby. He lives a 2 hour train ride away from me and I was going up with him so his family could see baby even after we split. I decided I wanted to stop staying with him as it was making me unhappy. I haven’t let him take baby up there without me, his sister had warned me while I was pregnant how controlling his mother was. She told me she does this Caribbean tradition where they stretch the baby. (Pull babies limbs) She also said she’d rub the roof of babies mouth to create a nose bridge? While I was there last time, without informing me his mother fed her plantain milk. (She shreds plantain boils it, then strains it and uses that liquid to put her formula into. She also blows up our baby’s nose to get bogeys out. I told her I didn’t like this but kind of she dismissed what I was saying. She also took our daughter out to go see her friends without informing me where she was going. I haven’t let him take her overnight up there without me as I am afraid about what his mother it’s going to do. He lives with her. Last week I took her up to his house so he could see her, I let him have her from 10-7pm in which time he left her to go see his client and his mum looked after baby. He’s told me he’s getting a mediator. I haven’t stopped him from seeing her at all, only taking her up there without me. Would I be able to refuse overnight stays, or Atleast until she’s older? Having baby around his mum during the day is already nerve wracking as it is as I don’t know what she will do. Also wondering what would be reasonable access for dad? Any advice? Thank you
You need to separate issues with his mother to issues with your ex. And if he has her for access, he needs to be caring for her, surely?
If she's BF, overnight wouldn't be reasonable, but as she's bottle fed, as long as she knows him, you'd be pretty unreasonable to refuse overnight.
Hello! Yes I understand but he lives with her and whenever I was up there with him it was just her looking after baby. Not even I could get an insight! She is bottle fed and she knows him. I am worried about what she will do with baby while she’s there.
Also if I have to accept letting him have overnights, what would be a reasonable contact?
So you get more of an idea, when we were round at his the baby wouldn’t even be sleeping in the room with us. She’d be sleeping in his mums room
I thought court rule of thumb was no overnights til at least a year old
I would be concerned about her 'traditions.' what other far fetched ideas does she have?
Well I hope that’s the case 🙏 but we will see. Yes her ‘traditions’ are definitely what is making me apprehensive. Along with the stretching is also twisting her head. That’s all the ones I’ve heard of so far 😬
Does your ex see a problem with his mum and her traditions or does he overlook them? They would also concern me so can totally see where you're coming from. I think if he has the baby he needs to be with her constantly, it's time for him and her not for his mum, she can see the baby together with your ex. Especially as baby is so little. What does he say about it all, does he understand your point of view?
He just overlooks them. I’ve told him I don’t like it but he won’t really tell his mum no. He said everything his mum is doing is what he had growing up and he’s fine. He was understanding for a for a while but says she is 6 months now and he should be allowed to have her overnight. When I was still taking her up there and staying with him he’d go out to work, clients, gym and didn’t spend much time caring for baby. He’s getting a mediator so that’s what’s happening so far. I’m going to try to keep her from spending nights until she’s at least one, if I can 🤞
He also recently got a part time job, on top of his full time job and clients. But insists he has time, but I know it’ll be his mum looking after baby while he’s out doing stuff!