Why did you have kids?

(46 Posts)
Grumpylate20s Thu 29-Apr-21 04:57:55

I think it's reasonable to say that parenthood is a roller coaster... I'm writing this at just shy of 5am, my DW has been BFing our 3 weeks young DS for what seems like all night, she might have got 50 minutes in-between.
Life for us has changed and over the course of the pandemic, we've changed. We feel exhausted all the time. she says she does not want any more so naturally, I've been wondering how do most couples have multiple children and what made you want to have kids?
We come from 2/3 sibling families so naturally having a sibling for our DS would be beneficial to him

OP’s posts: |
StayingHere Thu 29-Apr-21 05:04:50

My first one was due to carelessness of contraception tbh. Once she hit 18 months I was keen to have another and got pregnant shortly after. We are well past the baby and toddler phase now and I love having children. Wish I had more but time, space and money mean 2 is right for us.

StayingHere Thu 29-Apr-21 05:05:43

When your first child is 3 weeks old is not the best time to make a definite decision on whether you want more or not!

NotAnotherPushyMum Thu 29-Apr-21 05:07:41

First time, just because I got pregnant. Once I had one I knew I wanted him to have a sibling, but it took a few years for me to be ready for that. If your child is only a few weeks old then stop thinking about the next one and get through the adjustment of having this one. You’ll never go through something as big as this. Give yourselves time.

Snorkello Thu 29-Apr-21 05:49:33

Congrats on your new baby!!

Parenting is like being sucked into a black hole for the first year. It’s total carnage and will take a while to feel back to yourselves again and ready to make that decision.

No mum I’ve ever met thinks about having more within the first few weeks/months. Your dw is focused on this baby. She may feel differently in the future, so no need to have a discussion right now. Though talking of more will pop into conversation from time to time. There’s no rush right now.

Focus on the three of you, be positive and if you really want more, make sure you do everything you can to support her so she knows she isn’t going through this alone. Cooking, cleaning, taking baby out, caring for her. Make sure she’s getting lots of naps.

I have 3, but each time swore I wouldn’t have any more!

Seeing my partner help with childcare is the biggest factor in having/wanting more. If he’s onboard, and we are a team, that really helps. If I feel overwhelmed and burdened, I can’t fathom the idea of going through it again. Your dw may feel the same.

You may also change your mind too. Each phase has its challenges and you may find some harder to deal with and dread the idea of more children at times.

Go with the flow, enjoy it however best you can. One is great! Easy to manage and enjoy and they will love being the centre of attention, so if it dw decides one is enough, respect that, that’s fine too. If it were the other way round, you would feel pressured and might struggle. Same goes for her.

Silverfly Thu 29-Apr-21 06:01:14

There's nothing at all wrong with being an only child if that's what you and your wife decide. Many people hate their siblings! But don't worry OP - things will get much easier from this point! Sleep deprivation is HARD.

CoalCraft Thu 29-Apr-21 06:07:12

Felt an overwhelming desire for one. Looked at families with babies or children and wanted what they had. Now I have a five month old DD and she is wonderful. There are hard parts but they don't come close to putting me off wanting another. While pregnant I had "oh shit, what have I done!?" moments where I was sure I would hate parenthood and abandon my long-standing plan to have two, but nope.

rosegoldivy Thu 29-Apr-21 06:07:13

DD1 we actively tried for after our wedding. When she was here and we were a few weeks deep in night feeds and survival mode I wondered what the fuck we had done and if I would ever get any of my life back, but as they get older and develop into little humans with little personalities you 100% forget about how shit and hard the newborn stage can be.

DD is 22months and we're Currently expecting twins in the next few weeks.

user648482729 Thu 29-Apr-21 06:08:28

The first few weeks I found incredibly hard and even in the first few months I thought we’d just have one child but as things get better i realised that the first few hard weeks are brief and are well worth it. When my DD was 18 months something clicked and I really wanted another baby, it was like a biological urge.
We won’t be having any more and that’s not so much about the actual having a baby/child but more that finances, the effect on my career, my health makes it a sensible decision

InsanelyPregnantAndSore Thu 29-Apr-21 06:22:21

Nobody wants more whilst in the newborn haze of raw nipples, no sleep and total chaos. The first is also really hard because you both transition into being parents which honestly is the hardest and most abrupt transition DH and I ever faced.

I can only speak from a breast feeding mum point of view but it was like one day ‘you’re a fit, healthy, happy, independent, mid twenties woman and the world is your oyster’ then literally days later ‘your body is broken, your nipples are bleeding, you’re 100% responsible for this tiny person and nobody cares how you feel all that matters is the baby now. Don’t complain or people will think you’re going post natal’

It changes quickly once you actually settle into your role as parents and begin to comfortably identify with that and embrace the limitations/joy it brings. Also once they settle into a pattern, soon they’ll be waking just once or twice per night. My DS is now almost 14 months and sleeps 7:30pm-6am solidly. Makes a HUGE difference.

DS was about 4 months when DH and I started thinking ‘we want a sibling for him but really don’t want to go through that again’ then by 5 months it evolved into ‘well probably best get it all out of the way close together’ by 6 months we were pregnant again and now due DD in a couple of weeks.

DH will be skipping off for a vasectomy the moment she’s out. He’s already enquired about the waiting list grin

Silverfly Thu 29-Apr-21 06:27:16

Are you on paternity leave today OP? Make sure you take the baby whenever he isn't feeding and give your wife a chance to sleep!

MaMaD1990 Thu 29-Apr-21 06:32:31

Mine is 2yrs old now and I'm certain I don't want anymore and have been since the first week. A few friends of mine said the same and they're now having their second or trying to have the second. Feelings change, but sometimes they don't. I think it's fair to say every first time parent-to-be is a bit naive walking into it, thinking it'll be all snuggles and a bit of tiredness chucked in and the reality of it hits so hard in the beginning. It's not a bad thing if she doesn't want anymore but 3 weeks in is very early days to make that decision for sure. Do what you can to help her and try to enjoy the newborn phase - it's hard work but you'll look back and coo at how cute they were.

Wabe Thu 29-Apr-21 06:36:05

Mild curiosity. I didn’t have a second. DS is wonderful, and I love being his mother, but I didn’t want another and, both DH and I coming from big families, we are fully aware that a sibling is not an automatic good.

Chickenlickeninthepot Thu 29-Apr-21 06:37:50

Why would you be thinking about this at 3 weeks old? Just enjoy your baby and work on helping your wife get as much rest as possible. It gets easier and it gets better.

RedMarauder Thu 29-Apr-21 06:51:54

Chickenlickeninthepot

Why would you be thinking about this at 3 weeks old? Just enjoy your baby and work on helping your wife get as much rest as possible. It gets easier and it gets better.

This.

Concentrate on the here and now.

mdh2020 Thu 29-Apr-21 07:56:56

We had been together four years and simply ‘wanted’ to start our family and we wanted to have a baby. We had two. Our plan was to have four but we made the decision that we simply couldn’t afford them. We struggled quite a bit as it was. They have both grown into lovely adults and I wouldn’t be without them or the grand children. They are the best bit but you have to wait a long time for them to come along!

Grumpylate20s Thu 29-Apr-21 12:45:56

We were never pro kids and have come from parted families and have had bad experience with children in general from growing up.
We're both very much career driven people but due to the pandemic, work was lost and we had to improvise as we both work in the events industry.
We knew it would be hard but not quite like this.
It's more the broken/sleepless nights and feeling irritatable thats getting to us both and we're not fully enjoying this newborn phase.
I dunno early days yet but one cannot help to wonder about these things.

OP’s posts: |
Ihaveoflate Thu 29-Apr-21 13:11:23

Don't worry about not enjoying the newborn phase - it's shit. I pretty much found the whole first year/18 months a thankless slog. Now she's nearly 2 and I actually find myself genuinely enjoying childcare. But there's no way I'm doing it all again! DH had the snip shortly after she was born because we didn't want to risk it happening again.

To answer your question though, I had a child because ultimately the fear of regret outweighed the fear of being a parent. I just knew that (for me) I would regret NOT having a child more than having one.

Grumpylate20s Thu 29-Apr-21 13:19:56

Ihaveoflate

Don't worry about not enjoying the newborn phase - it's shit. I pretty much found the whole first year/18 months a thankless slog. Now she's nearly 2 and I actually find myself genuinely enjoying childcare. But there's no way I'm doing it all again! DH had the snip shortly after she was born because we didn't want to risk it happening again.

To answer your question though, I had a child because ultimately the fear of regret outweighed the fear of being a parent. I just knew that (for me) I would regret NOT having a child more than having one.

How did he find having the snip?
Has it affected your sex life?

OP’s posts: |
cherrytree975 Thu 29-Apr-21 13:40:05

Honestly? Because I felt like having kids was one of the most enormous, seismic things you can experience in life (probably the most enormous actually) and I didn’t want to miss out on that. Selfish? Perhaps, but I have no regrets. Yes it’s very hard at times (like most things worth having) but also wonderful.

Embracingthechaos Thu 29-Apr-21 13:44:15

Children bring so much joy. That's why.

It's not always easy to feel that not during the horrendous cluster feeding marathons with a newborn grin

It is very personal. The immense joy and happiness that I get from seeing my children experience the world is notnecessarily the experience of others. Some people find children nothing more than irritating. I think we all take a bit of a gamble when we decide to become parents.

Embracingthechaos Thu 29-Apr-21 13:44:58

*not always easy to feel that joy!

cherrytree975 Thu 29-Apr-21 13:45:23

I think we all take a bit of a gamble when we decide to become parents.

Absolutely.

PiccalilliChilli Thu 29-Apr-21 13:59:21

I don't remember much of my baby's first year because I've either blocked much of it out or I was walking like a zombie. The toddler years were slightly less crap. I don't think I enjoyed being a parent until about the age of four. Friends who had already become parents told me the first year was the worst, then it gets better until puberty hits then it gets a bit crap, then it gets better aged 19-23.

I had no idea that having a child was so hard and subsequently had no more. I like sleeping too much.

Pyewackect Thu 29-Apr-21 14:42:18

We’ve got 3. ( 18,16 and 14 ). None were planned and I was sterilised at 28. Luckily, as we bought the house outright and I went straight back to work we could afford a nanny. I love them to death but they’re not the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They don’t complete me nor am I obsessed with being a mother.

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