Considering co parenting from the same property with my ex

[sweetnessnfight]

So we split up 1yr ago because he shouted at me and my DS all the time. He has a temper and OCD and if we dared to leave something in the wrong place he would have a fit. I finally managed to kick him out and felt a huge relief but I'm struggling on my own. He's great with housework (due to OCD) and I guess over time he did a lot more than me in the house and I struggled when I was on my own.

I sold my house recently but the chain broke down for the one I was buying so I had no where to live. He said I could stay at his (we have a DD together and already co parent). So I've stayed for a few weeks and it's been really enjoyable. Life has been easy here compared to the past year due to my mental and physical load reducing so much. Our DD loves having us together again and my DS comes over and stays and it's working ok so far.

His temper is still there as he shouts at our DD sometimes. I've suggested anger management but typical abuser style he's turned it back to me and said I'm the one who needs anger management. Then lists times when I've reacted to him and his shouty behaviour. Anyhow, for the sake of our DD I was thinking that when I get my new place, it will have enough bedrooms for him to have his own and he might agree to co parenting and living together. I don't want to get back with him because I just can't see him as attractive after suffering from his constant shouting for several years, but equally if we could be friends and house share while our DD is young, maybe that could work?

Has anyone else managed to co parent in the same house but not be romantically involved?

[QueenOfPain]

Don’t move back in with an abuser. Have you lost your mind?

Maybe get one less bedroom in your house and spend that money on a cleaner instead.

[sweetnessnfight]

Good point re the cleaner. But our DD loves having us together and if he lived in my property, I could kick him out if he overstepped the Mark.

[BritInAus]

Sounds like the worst idea ever. Even if he wasn't an abusive, angry man, why would you consider it? Eventually one of you / both of you will meet someone else.

[sweetnessnfight]

Yes I guess I'm just sad for my DD, she loves us being together. I guess I don't want her to be from a broken home if I can help it.

If he did anger management classes or perpetrator classes, maybe he could change?

[sweetnessnfight]

And if we meet someone else, we can part ways then, I guess I can stay single for 10 years for her sake.

[Rtmhwales]

If you left because he shouted at DS all the time why would you subject DS to that again just to make your life easier? You left for a reason.

[Longdistance]

Worst idea ever. What could possibly go wrong living with an abuser? Have a word with yourself! Never mind your daughter liking you both together, he’s shouting at her.

[Starlightstarbright1]

I agree an awful idea.

Abusive behaviour will increase not decrease.

It also is far less confusing, Mum and Dad are separate. If you got a partner they may be blamed for separation by dc

[QueenOfPain]

How on Earth are you ever going to meet anyone decent with your abusive ex husband living with you? Every man with anything about them is going to make their excuses and disappear.

How old is the DD who loves you being together? Children love and want lots and lots of things, not all of the things are good for them and it’s your job as her mother to model healthy adult relationships and the way that she should be treated in the future.

I think you’re coming up with a lot of excuses for why you should do this, when really you actually just want to be with him again, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself.

[sweetnessnfight]

@QueenOfPain

How on Earth are you ever going to meet anyone decent with your abusive ex husband living with you? Every man with anything about them is going to make their excuses and disappear.

How old is the DD who loves you being together? Children love and want lots and lots of things, not all of the things are good for them and it’s your job as her mother to model healthy adult relationships and the way that she should be treated in the future.

I think you’re coming up with a lot of excuses for why you should do this, when really you actually just want to be with him again, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself.

I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him. I just want our DD to have both parents in one house.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

So we split up 1yr ago because he shouted at me and my DS all the time.

I didnt even get past the 1st line. Terrible idea.

[Mumdiva99]

So your daughter had to deal with you splitting, now you are back living together, then she will deal with you splitting when you buy somewhere, but then she might have you together again, then you may split if you meet someone new and kick ex out again.....
And you think this living together is for the benefit of your daughter?

Move on. Sort yourself out. Learn to cope alone and stop confusing your child. (As someone uptrend said...save the extra in mortgage money to pay for help (cleaner, ironing etc)

[Carolina24]

He shouts at your daughter and needs anger management which he won’t get. You would be utterly mad to put her right back in harm’s way when you’ve already made your escape. It’s just not worth you and your daughter being abused for the sake of some help with the cleaning.

[ChlamydiaSexPond]

You would be an absolute fool to do this! Get your child away from the abuser not closer to him. All this tooing and froing is going to really confuse your DC

[mildlymiffed]

@sweetnessnfight I'm interested to hear why you think your dd needs to have both parents under one roof? It's quite an antiquated idea nowadays. Yes, it is perhaps the "ideal" but you know that there are many many children who grow up perfectly happy, and well-adjusted despite parents living in separate homes.

As long as you and exP can communicate and both give her a good life in your respective homes what is the problem?

Or, is this because you want to protect your dd from your ex? Are you at all concerned that he may be aggressive towards her either now or when she's older?

As someone else said up thread, what are you modelling to your daughter by staying together? That the right thing to do is to stay with an abusive partner, "for the sake of the children"....? Instead why can't you model how being independent looks? What choosing happiness looks like? That being honest that sometimes adult relationships don't always work out?

[ShrewYou]

Don't be daft. You can't live with someone who shouts at your child because he hoovers.

[Persipan]

Seriously, just hire a cleaner. That's the main thing you're getting out of living with him. It's absolutely fine to struggle to get everything done alone, but living with someone whose behaviour drove you away previously is not the answer to that problem.

[LynetteScavo]

Get a cleaner who doesn't shout at your child.

[Potterythrowdown]

Cons
Abusive to you and your children

Pros
Good with a mop

[Dayafterday]

What? What’s the difference in one house from another? He’s still the same horrible shouty man.

[sweetnessnfight]

Ok vipers you have made me listen, the last few weeks made me think he's not that bad, but ultimately I know he will revert back to his normal shouty behaviour. I will not be living in the same property with him to co parent.

[Dozer]

Yes, get out of there asap!

[Solasum]

If you want your daughter to spend time with both of you together, you can go on very occasional family days out. That way she lives in an abuse free home, and you and ex get on as it is a novelty spending time together, plus out and about he is less likely to shout (there would be an audience).

[Plump82]

You want to be together for your DD but if you're happy for your ex to shout at your DS which is effectively what will happen.

[sweetnessnfight]

@Solasum

If you want your daughter to spend time with both of you together, you can go on very occasional family days out. That way she lives in an abuse free home, and you and ex get on as it is a novelty spending time together, plus out and about he is less likely to shout (there would be an audience).

Good idea