Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

[peachypetite]

Your baby is 10 weeks old! I think you need to lower your expectations.

[averylongtimeago]

This stage is so hard- but remember: your baby doesn't hate you.
You don't mention a partner - is there anyone -partner, mum, friend or relative who can take your baby for a bit to give you a break? If he will nap in a pram they could take him for a walk while you have a nap or a bath.

When my twins were like this DH would put them in the car and drive round the streets (on occasion very late at night!) so I could get some sleep.

[EachBleachBlairTrump]

You need to talk to your health visitor this level of anger at a tiny baby, for doing what tiny babies do is not usual. He even sleeps well at night!

[TaVeryMuchLove]

Firstly, congrats on your baby.

You are absolutely not alone, nor are you a horrible bitch! It’s really fucking hard having a small baby. You’re tired, your hormones will still be all over the place - be kind to yourself. It’s understandable that you will feel angry and frustrated.

I’m afraid I’ve probably not got much in the way of advice as such, but wanted you to know that I have been there recently and I know how you feel. At 10 weeks old, you just need to remember that things will get better and your baby is way too young to sleep train. It’s great that you’re getting some sleep at night.

Try to take one day at a time

[Michellebops]

Hey there, your baby is still so young and needs his mama. Google the 4th trimester and you will see this is entirely normal.
Obviously that doesn't help with the sleeping issue. My daughter was the same - awful at nappy and slept good at night. If you have a sling keep him close to you and he'll nap them put him down somewhere with a warm blanket. The change in temp might jolt him awake if it's a cold crib compared to warm body. Also tuck a muslin down your top do it smells like you and put that in the crib with him.
Babies also sense your anxiety so I would suggest if you don't have immediate family support/bubble in place please speak with your hv or gp as you may be having a little touch of pnd.
It does get better however please speak with a professional ❤️

[BananaHammock23]

I say this in the kindest way OP, but I think you need to speak to a doctor about your anger towards your baby

[ElphabaTheGreen]

The only way either of mine ever napped was being walked in a sling, being pushed in a pram or being driven around in a car until they dropped naps around three years old. Yep, their entire baby and toddlerhoods revolved around how to engineer their naps. It was boring, exhausting and frustrating and nothing like what I expected (baby doll eyes just closed naturally when you put them down in a toy cot, didn’t they?) and why I did NOT bother having any more!!

They’re eight and six now and naps are a dim and distant bad memory.

[EnglishRain]

What happens if you stop trying to get him to nap? My DD was terrible for napping, but she has gotten better as she has gotten older. I obsessed about her not napping enough but it just wasn't in her make up. I have to hold her to get her to nap and she is 7 months now.

It is one of many phases, it will pass. Have you got support? It sounds like your emotions are getting the better of you and it might be worth chatting to your HV or GP. I'm under the local perinatal mental health team and they've been amazing to me and DD

[orishan]

It feels like you have slightly unrealistic expectations of sleep patterns at 10 weeks old. At that age, all sleep is really inconsistent and a nap schedule doesn't really exist. Their growth and developmental needs change on a daily basis so it would be really difficult to force naps. In the kindest possible way it sounds like you are projecting your own expectations onto him which is compromising your ability to just respond to what he needs as and when.

[orishan]

And just to say sleep training isn't really an option until 6 months (our health visitor was clear that even the NHS say it isn't beneficial before then). Slings, prams and holding to sleep are all perfectly normal behaviours at that age. Might be worth having a bit of a read about the fourth trimester as it's perfectly normal for small baby babies to prefer rocking, movement, body contact etc to sleep. Your baby sounds normal, just takes a bit of adjusting to accept that they're not going to nap in a crib at perfect times.

[FTEngineerM]

Honestly I don’t think it’s that unusual, both me and my DP have felt what you describe before when trying to get DC to sleep when he desperately needs to but just won’t.

We never have or would hurt him of course, it’s not his fault, but knowing what your baby needs and doing your absolute best to help them achieve it again and again and again repeatedly for weeks on end and them refusing is tough! Totally tough!

You have my sympathies

We didn’t realise for months that our DC was uncomfortable, he had CMPA and Soya allergy (non ige variation). Honestly since we cleared that up he’s been sleeping so well.

We went through the whole, rocking to sleep then sling to sleep, then pram to sleep, then car journey to sleep it was getting ridiculous. One day I drove 4 hours getting him and keeping him asleep for a nap. I just cried the whole way.

10 weeks old is so so tiny, I would 100% do what ever you can to get through until 4m sleep regression. Once you’ve hit that and gone past it then think about sleep training but I think I read it’s too early before that.

We didn’t end up training but he still sleeps in our bed, albeit all night, so we’re happy to get some shut eye. Don’t care about logistics 😃.

[RedPandaFluff]

@bleachblondemom you're not a horrible bitch at all but I do think you have unrealistic expectations of a tiny baby. There's often no pattern or nap routine in such a young baby - it's too early. My DD was up every couple of hours, day or night. I just had to surrender to it and tell myself it would pass. And it did.

I think you should speak to your health visitor or GP as the anger you're feeling could possibly be a sign of post-natal depression.

I do sympathise - I've felt hot rage towards my DD at times, as she wouldn't eat and I was so stressed, so I do know that feeling of frustration and anger. You do need support.

[mynameiscalypso]

DS napped on us or in his bouncy chair for about 9 months. And he was a total cat napper. It was just the way he was. Annoying but not much I could do other than go with it.

[bleachblondemom]

Thank you everyone I appreciate the comments, especially from those of you who have been so kind and sympathetic and have shared your own experiences. Honestly it has been really hard for me to admit to how I’m feeling because I feel like such a terrible person.
Some of you have been a bit blunt, and I appreciate that kind of attitude is helpful to some people, but honestly I’m really upset with myself right now and I really don’t need people coming here just to say ‘lower your expectations’ because I fucking know that but right now I am tired and upset and in physical pain and I need a bit more sympathy than that. I needed to get this off my chest and not feel so alone.
The HV has been once and not bothered again so I don’t really feel like I can talk to her. I guess I could talk to my GP but I feel so ashamed of my feelings and behaviour.

I am married and DH works all day mon-fri. My mom comes once a week to take him out for a walk. Today she has him for the whole afternoon which is what has made me sit down and write this post and get out all my feelings so I can start afresh tomorrow.

[MixedUpFiles]

Mine wouldn’t sleep without being held by me for the first 9 months, that’s day or night. And getting her to fall asleep during the day was always a battle of walking and bouncing and walking and bouncing. I was so very tired and sore all the time. One thing that helped was to start to trust her natural rhythm. I moved bedtime to 1am and we slept until 10am. It was a game changer.

In my case, she turned out to have special needs and all that intense physical contact was exactly what she needed to thrive. Of course, I didn’t find that out officially until she was 9. I’m glad I trusted my instincts to give her what she needed, even though at times I felt it might break me.

She is now a happy, thriving tween with a bright future ahead of her and those sleepless months are behind us. She still doesn’t sleep much, but she now entertains herself and lets us rest.

[EnglishRain]

Please try your GP, absolutely do not feel ashamed! You could ask the GP if they can refer you to the perinatal team for some support if they think it could help. Like another poster said your irritability could be a symptom of PND.

[user1493413286]

You’re not terrible; naps can be a big source of stress. Could you share what you’re trying to do in terms of timings for naps, as in what times you’re trying to get him to nap and how long for?
At 10 weeks babies often don’t have much of a routine and their naps aren’t for all that long; newborn babies sleep a lot but by 10 weeks a nap of 30 to 60 minutes is quite normal

[Siennabear]

Have you got a play mat to lay him on? If it’s taking that long to get to sleep he doesn’t sound tired? Can you not get a few toys or read a book to him? Babies don’t have watches! Just go with the flow. With my first I fretted about nap time as he was a terrible night sleeper. But honestly it doesn’t matter. I always found taking them swimming guaranteed a great nap but obviously can’t do that at the moment.

[Mylittlepony374]

In the kindest way possible, I think you need to talk to your GP or someone else about your anger. It's not normal to have that level of anger at a tiny baby. You need some help to develop your ability to manage with them being a totally normal baby.

[bleachblondemom]

@user1493413286 his first nap is about an hour and a half after he wakes up, sometimes 2 hours. He feeds to sleep then goes in the sling. Then as I said I pretty much have to move the whole time or he wakes up. His afternoon nap is usually in the pram, he falls asleep in it and either sleeps for a good few hours or wakes up as soon as we get home. If I really don’t feel like leaving the house his afternoon nap is in the sling, if he’ll even let me.
Depending on what time he’s woken up, he might need another quick nap in the evening either in the sling or another walk around our estate.

I can usually cope with one or two ‘bad’ days a week but this week has been all bad days. This week it’s like he just hates sleep.

[SparklingLime]

Please talk to your GP.

[WhatMattersMost]

You need to take action to help yourself: contact your GP. That's what they're there for. It's better to do this sooner rather than later so that you have coping methods in place before things start to feel worse. Best of luck, OP.

[bleachblondemom]

@Siennabear if he were able to fall asleep on his own then it wouldn’t matter what time it was because he could determine when his naps are. But because I’m the one who has to get him to sleep, I do have to be aware of the time and how long he’s been a wake etc. If I just left him to it I genuinely think he’d be awake all day long. He will not fall asleep unless I work my ass off to help him.

[bleachblondemom]

and he is tired, he’s yawning and rubbing his eyes and crying. But nothing I do is good enough.

[Kittykat93]

Ok I think you know you need to stop shouting at and taking your anger out on a ten week old baby..its really not good. I know how frustrating it is when they wont sleep but trust me if you're feeling like this at 10 weeks and already shouting at him this could easily escalate. I'm concerned you could physically harm him. Please contact your gp