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Struggling with my babies dad and his new girlfriend!

(28 Posts)
LoLo1304 Wed 17-Feb-21 10:16:03

Me and babies dad spilt when baby was 5 and half months old. Our daughter has now just turned 10 month old. I’ve breastfed her, never been able to express much and baby won’t take a bottle anyway. Although taking solids as well, baby still breastfeeds on demand. So I’ve never ever left her with dad, I take her to see him on a Saturday. He’s recently started asking to take her out of his own for a few hours ONCE a week, he has got into a new relationship already which is why I believe he now wants to start taking her out for a few hours. To cut a long story short if I do say so he is an absolute waste off space never helped or supported me with her, recently gone 3 weeks without seeing or even contacting me about her to see how she is. I won’t go into too much detail but there’s countless reasons why I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with him he’s quite nasty and sometimes violent, simply put I not believe he is a very stable man, let alone a ‘fit parent’ and I can’t trust him with her at all. Baby is very clingy to me, she gets separation anxiety even if I leave the room for five mins. I think as she’s a lockdown baby that’s not never left my side this has made it worse, plus I’ve pretty much raised her on my own. However, please tell me other people struggle to leave there babies?! I just can’t seem to leave her she’s only 10 month old and I have all these issues with babies dad! And plus I just don’t think it is best in her interest as she gets sooo worked up with out me. Ps it is nothing to do with him having a new girlfriend as I’ve only JUST found this out and I’ve never wanted to leave baby. I’m also very content with not being with babies dad it was my choice to leave as he was so awful towards me when baby was here.
Anyway I’ve received a message tonight from his new girlfriend stating ‘I've met him and he has a baby and I accept that, I'm not here to step on anyone's toes and I don't want to get in the way of ... being a dad just wanted you to know that’
Is it just me that feels like she’s trying to cause trouble? I just feel she is trying to get a reaction from me? Plus she’s attempting to insinuate that I haven’t left our daughter because off her?
I also feel she could be pushing babies dad into pressuring me to leave/let him take her out for a few hours.
Babies dad also states he will take me court if I don’t allow him a few hours a week. What baby with separation anxiety from mother is going to get to know their father from 2 hours ONCE a week? Absolutely mental and it scares me, for the sake of my daughter that if he went to court he will be granted this and it won’t be in my daughters best interest and they won’t take any off my reasons why I haven’t left her into consideration!
SO sorry for the long post but need opinions my first baby so never been in a situation like this before! Thanks for reading

OP’s posts: |
midnightstar66 Wed 17-Feb-21 10:18:11

Just bare in mind that if he goes to court he'll probably end up with more access than he's asking for now and you'll lose any control you have over that.

SnoozyBoozy Wed 17-Feb-21 10:23:59

I don't actually think the gf's message was that bad. Perhaps he's told her you're not comfortable and has thought it's to do with her, so she's trying to put your mind at rest that she's not trying to muscle in on your baby.

The dad... Well, it feels like you need to separate your feelings towards him as a person and his responsibility as a father. He may be a dick, but he does still have a right to see his child. If it was timed right with feeds, would you agree to an hour once a week to start with and work up from there when the baby starts to reduce feeds? Of course your baby's need for milk has to trump his wishes, but I feel there is a compromise to be had here, but I wonder if your feelings about him are clouding your judgement slightly?

SmileyClare Wed 17-Feb-21 10:26:03

It's far too early to introduce a new girlfriend to your baby. He only meet her a matter of weeks ago. I think she's over stepped the mark by messaging you. She's right, she shouldn't get in the way of him having a relationship with his dd so she doesn't have to be involved. Keep it as meeting him with dd for a few hours on a Saturday. He can leave new gf at home.

A court will not award a dad access on his own if you're breast feeding exclusively. I very much doubt he'll take it to court, he hasn't been bothered this far and is probably just lying to his girlfriend so she thinks he's a good dad. hmm

Don't be bullied by him.

cheeseybean Wed 17-Feb-21 10:27:16

I agree that the gf message wasn't that bad. Certainly not trying to get a reaction from you.

cheeseybean Wed 17-Feb-21 10:28:23

Sorry posted too soon.

But it was unnecessary to message you imo. And your ex shouldn't be giving out your number, that's what I'd be annoyed about.

Doingitaloneandproud Wed 17-Feb-21 10:28:35

If it goes to court he will be granted access and so it will build up the bond between father and child. He has a right to see his child without you, if he's violent then you need to report that and supervised contact could be looked at, still without you though.
I started my ex of with a few hours a fortnight as baby was clingy and ex hadn't bothered for months from when he walked out so didn't really know him, that was alone and it's now every other weekend.
I don't think the gfs message was bad actually, sounds like she just doesn't want any hassle in the future so is making it clear she understands he has a child and so you'll both be in his life.

user1654236589623652 Wed 17-Feb-21 10:28:47

There's nothing wrong with her message, you're adding meaning that isn't there.

LolaSmiles Wed 17-Feb-21 10:30:12

It sounds like the new girlfriend is trying to be amicable and letting you know that she's not trying to be involved and isn't planning on playing mum.

I'd also guess that he has probably fed her a line or two about why he isn't involved much and has probably given a bit of a son story about how he is desperate to be more involved as a dad.

She's probably trying to be nice and he's probably trying to play the heartbroken dad card to impress his new woman.

SmileyClare Wed 17-Feb-21 10:32:14

Do you have any evidence of his violence? He sounds like an arsehole and I wouldn't be happy about leaving a baby in his care, he's never made an effort to support his daughter or get involved with her care, doesn't offer you any support and goes weeks without contacting you?

I think he's full of hot air. He can visit her in your home and perhaps progress to taking her out for a walk for an hour on his own (between feeds) and see if he can actually commit to that first.

JesusAteMyHamster Wed 17-Feb-21 10:34:04

The message is fine.

Bear in mind if he takes this to court he'll get a lot more access than he's currently asking for ........there's absolutely no reason a weaned baby of almost a year old can't be left without her mum. You need to start building towards that.

SmileyClare Wed 17-Feb-21 10:34:56


It sounds like the new girlfriend is trying to be amicable and letting you know that she's not trying to be involved and isn't planning on playing mum.

I'd also guess that he has probably fed her a line or two about why he isn't involved much and has probably given a bit of a son story about how he is desperate to be more involved as a dad.

She's probably trying to be nice and he's probably trying to play the heartbroken dad card to impress his new woman.

Yes I agree. He's likely made out you are stopping him from being the world's best dad. I really don't think the new gf should have messaged you. She probably means well but it's completely misplaced.

Tiredmum100 Wed 17-Feb-21 10:50:40

I don't think the new girl friends message is bad, sounds like she's trying to reassure you and thinks you don't want your ex to have contact alone because of her and she's saying don't worry. Could you explain to your ex you're happy to continue visits with you there as your child has separation anxiety. I do think its in your daughters interest to try and facilitate a relationship between them, unless he is violent?

LoLo1304 Wed 17-Feb-21 11:01:31

@SmileyClare @LolaSmiles thanks for your understanding! I have text messages still saved on my phone about us discussing his outbursts so I’m guessing that could be used as evidence. He also spat in my face when I was heavily pregnant, and somehow he said that my fault. He definitely has a temper problem and it scares me if this will be sensed by my baby if left alone with him, like I said she is clingy to me and suffers separation anxiety everyone struggles to calm her when Im not there. If he hadn’t off neglected his daughter he too would off built a bond with her , but I feel this is his doing not mine! But unfortunately I don’t think the courts give a shit about how much of a waste of space of a dad he has been! He is also into motorbikes and when she was 6 month old, he rode the motorbike around the garden with her on it, whilst his dad ( daughters grandad) filmed it!!!!! And other irresponsible decisions he has done that’ll take too long for me to write out!

@SnoozyBoozy it definitely makes me sad how he has disregarded and neglected our daughter, but I have no personal feelings there whatsoever

OP’s posts: |
OverTheRainbow88 Wed 17-Feb-21 11:13:34

Maybe you can compromise for now and up the contact but with you present and girlfriend now, so your daughter gets to know him. Then maybe he could take more of a main role in caring for her in that time and you take a step back but still be there or maybe in a different room. And take it from there

If you say no I would assume he would go through the courts where more access will be granted.

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE Wed 17-Feb-21 11:17:45

If he sees her once a week already he isn't like a stranger to her, i would let him start taking her out for small periods of time which can then be increased

As others say if you go to court he will likely get more than he is asking for

LoLo1304 Wed 17-Feb-21 11:22:58

@THATbasicSNOWFLAKE Hi, he doesn’t consistently see her every week. Like I said he went 3 weeks without seeing and nearly every other week ‘he has things to do’ that prevent him from seeing his daughter apparently.

OP’s posts: |
midnightstar66 Wed 17-Feb-21 11:25:14

The court won't be interested in a couple of text messages unfortunately. I had a non harassment order and he had criminal convictions against me. They even lifted the non harassment order at his request as it was interfering with drop offs which they did as his only offences were ones towards me, so that didn't seem to matter (only partly true he had a very colourful record in another EU country but they didn't bother following that up). I was warned by my lawyer about him getting more access via the court than he was originally asking for but was convinced with everything and all the evidence that it wouldn't be the case. I was very wrong. He had been out of their lives longer than 10 months too. There's nothing in your lists which suggest he wonder get unsupervised access as he is already having regular supervised contact now which is the first step usually. The couple of hours alone he's asking for would be the next one and baby is of an age that this can be reasonably expected.

caringcarer Wed 17-Feb-21 11:40:38

Putting a small baby on s motorbike is highly irresponsible. I can see why you don't trust him with her. Could you let him take her for a 30 mins walk to begin with on strict understanding she does not come out of pram. See how that goes. Possibly move up to 1 hour if he proves he can be responsible with his dd. Honestly his gf sounds nicer than your ex. I think I would welcome a normal person to be with baby also whilst she was with idiot Dad. Trying to impress new gf might stop him being such an idiot with your dd. I would not agree to longer than 1 hour until dd will take bottle or cup of fluid.

OldEvilOwl Wed 17-Feb-21 11:47:24

Did you reply to the new girlfriend? The message itself is fine, but it's nothing to do with her and I probably wouldn't bother replying or getting into a conversation with her.
He is trying to bully you into getting his own way. Could you compromise slightly and allow him to take the baby for a walk in the pushchair for 20/30 mins and build from there?

TheChip Wed 17-Feb-21 11:51:10

Separation anxiety is really hard, but if I was you I would try and take up the offer of him taking baby out for a couple of hours. It is only a couple of hours, and it's not too much so that you and your baby would struggle too much with the time apart. Yes, it will be hard for you, but it won't be too bad.

If he does go to court he will likely be granted more hours. Which would make the separation anxiety harder on you.
The domestic violence will have no impact on him and baby and will not impact on the access they give him.
I can say this from experience.

As for the girlfriend, although she really shouldn't have your number to text. I do think it was nice of her. It sounds like she is understanding of her position and how hard this could be on you.

Try and think of their contact as a positive thing. Dad and baby build a relationship and you get to have a bath, relax, or just do whatever you want to do for yourself.

Separation anxiety is hard but you do have to take the leap at some point, and the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

medebourne Wed 17-Feb-21 11:51:59

I feel for you and I hope you work something out.

The girlfriend's message is fine. You have lots of good reasons to be angry with him, I'd direct all your anger at him rather than search for reasons to be angry with her. She hasn't done anything wrong.

BlueTimes Wed 17-Feb-21 11:56:05

I don’t think the message the girlfriend has sent is an issue either.

I also don’t think you have any evidence to prevent him building up a relationship with his daughter and if he goes to court, he is pretty much guaranteed to have access awarded and it’s also certain to me a lot more than he is asking for at the moment.

Don’t underestimate building up a bond from a couple of hours once a week, especially if he is willing to increase in the future. You owe it to your daughter to let her have a relationship with her father, and for her parents to be as amicable as possible. Try working with him to get this agreed. Going to court should be a last resort but based on what you say, it won’t go in your favour.

Honeyroar Wed 17-Feb-21 12:03:12

The girlfriend’s message was kind and meant to reassure you. But you don’t need any more messages from her. You need to arrange a regular contact day for your ex to see her. You should be there initially but it should progress to him being able to take her. It’s a good opportunity to meet his girlfriend and feel happy about that aspect too. She might be a good influence on him..

LoLo1304 Wed 17-Feb-21 12:50:16

@caringcarer @OldEvilOwl nope I haven’t replied to her and don’t intend on replying. I have suggested walks in the pram before but he doesn’t want to do that. Like you say it’s his way or no way. He doesn’t rearrange his plans or prioritizes our daughter, he’d rather not see her than rearrange his plans. And all these plans are with the new girlfriend that people assume sounds ‘nice’ hard to explain without sounding bitter, it really isn’t, but I’m not going to sit back and not stick up for my daughter and allow him to prioritize himself and someone else over his daughter! He goes weeks without even a single text just to check she is ok! Infuriates me I can’t leave her for an hour without feeling overwhelming mum guilt yet he can sleep at night not giving one single shit about her!

I actually do want daughter to have a relationship with her, I’ve tried to get him to spend more time with her, I.e stop off on his way home from work to build more off a relationship with her, and I would feel more comfortable leaving her. But he’s never showed up for her once, just does his bit for a few hours once a week (not consistently ever week) I’ve even said I’ll go in the bath or sort clothes out upstairs whilst he is here so I’m not even in the room. The problem is he just can’t be arsed and using me as excuse. Ultimately I do understand daughter will need to be left with him one day but given everything that’s happened I don’t trust him and separation anxiety, she’s still a baby. @midnightstar66 @Honeyroar @BlueTimes

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