Negative Reactions to Punishment

[SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs]

So homeschooling is bringing a new parenting challenge in our house. Year 6 DS is supposed to be on zoom for 5 one hour lessons per day. This is boring and he has been opening another window to play/watch online games. This is complicated by the fact he plays online with friends who are being allowed to play all day despite the school lessons.
I have been reacting to finding him by banning him from gaming for that day, but mostly not following through completely so just limiting his gaming to one hour.
It all came to a head yesterday and I followed through and actually switched the pc off after his last lesson. Trouble is it was such a shock to his system he has been reacting with some very negative behaviour. Starting by being mean to his younger sister. I punished this with another days computer ban so he followed up by peeing all over the bathroom floor. I think he expected me to let him on the computer today despite the ban so when I didn’t he went to the toilet, pushed the toilet brush into his poo and put it back in the holder covered in shit.
I’ve just found this and given him another days ban but now I’m wondering what he will do in response.
The computer ban clearly isn’t resulting in better behaviour but what the heck am I supposed to do, I can’t just let him watch YouTube all day when he is supposed to be on zoom lessons?

[justilou1]

He is old enough to clean his shit and pee up and bleach the fucking bathroom.

[Findahouse21]

I think consequences need to be more logical and less long term. At the moment, in his head he is banned 'forever', so what has he got to loose? I would make him do something for/with his sister to make up for being unkind, and clean the whole bathroom as a consequence for his behaviour in there.

[SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs]

Is a one day computer ban too long, he is 12 not 5?

[Choice4567]

I’m confused by the school year/age? Could you clarify?

[AppleKatie]

A dirty protest at that age is just beyond inappropriate.

I would stop the tit for tat ‘another punishment because you did x’ because as you say you are just waiting for his next retaliation.

Instead sit him down make him discuss what’s going on in excruciating detail. Discuss his behaviour and why it isn’t ok, fine out how he is feeling.

Then get him to suggest what he thinks an appropriate sanction and way to move forward would be. (Often in this situation children are much harsher than adults on themselves!).

Tell him you are going to spend some time thinking about it. Make him wait a couple of hours.

Then sit him down again and outline a sanction AND a way for him to move forward back to positive behaviour.


Part of this 100% would be him cleaning the bathroom.

[SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs]

I have had a discussion with him about the other stuff and like the idea of him cleaning the bathroom.
The trouble is I am drawing a blank at knowing how I can stop him watching YouTube. He says the lessons are boring and it is just too tempting.

[AppleKatie]

I would talk to his teacher too.

She can’t stop him doing it but he might be embarrassed to think she knows? She can also call on him to answer questions more regularly.

[AppleKatie]

Also find out how to block YouTube on his computer.

[JaimieLeeCurtains]

So he's Year 8?

[AppleKatie]

In my house YouTube would be blocked for a week and then if he was engaging well in school/no more dirty protests I would unblock it for specific chunks of time outside his lesson times.

[TeenPlusTwenties]

This might be too technical, but:

Can you set up 2 accounts

1. for schoolwork, accessible 8:30-3:30pm, which has youtube etc blocked
   
2. for 'play' accessible 4pm-8pm with more open access
   
   ie Remove access to the temptation

[midsummabreak]

Don’t drag it out, keep focused on the behaviour you want and be a calm polite and respectful role model. For example, say ‘ When you clean the bathroom, apologise to your sister and set the timer , you can have x time on game and then scone off game when timer goes off. ‘
He really doesn’t mean to be the bad person, he is just desperate to connect with friends online and have fun. He needs you to firmly and fairly lead the way to get him out of the hole he has dug for himself, and show him that he can have fun if he first does the right thing.

[Prufrocks]

Is he 12 or is he in y6?

Fair bit of difference, although obviously unacceptable in either case.

[midsummabreak]

*come off the game

[EatsFartsAndLeaves]

I'd start with being more consistent, honestly. It's not surprising he reacts badly when punishment is effectively arbitrary.

[AuntyJack]

@Prufrocks OP might not be in the UK. In most of the rest of the world schooling starts at 5 not 4 so year 6 is age 11-12

[Runmybathforme]

The dirty protest would really worry me, that’s disgusting.

[B1rthis]

He's twelve years old?
He's urinating on the floor and removing his faeces from the toilet?

Has he been diagnosed with any learning conditions?
Has he been sexually assaulted?

This is NOT common ways to over react to a situation given his age.

Get to the bottom of his problem (not computer.) Before it becomes too serious to deal with.

[SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs]

Sorry got his year wrong, he is now year 7 and just turned 12, so first year at high school.
I don’t know if I can switch YouTube access off but will look into it.
Just to clarify he is logged into his lessons but is opening another window to watch YouTube.

[gamerchick]

You can block YouTube.

A dirty protest would send me apocalyptic. There would be no internet for a very long time.

[nimbuscloud]

What did he say about what he did in the bathroom?

[SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs]

@gamerchick

You can block YouTube.

A dirty protest would send me apocalyptic. There would be no internet for a very long time.

Trouble is this lockdown has really affected his mood, not seeing his friends and the only thing he has left is playing with them online. I don’t think just stopping this for any more than a day or two is reasonable.
I suppose I could just stop his access to YouTube but I want him to learn self control and have explained that if I as an employee just mucked about on YouTube all day I wouldn’t stay employed for long. I see being tempted by the internet as a problem he needs to learn to deal with as otherwise his life will be pretty shit.

[Lougle]

I have 3 girls aged 15, 13 and 11 (year 7). I would be absolutely livid if they did anything... Well I can't quite believe that I'm reading that he peed on the floor and shoved a loo brush in poo.

Ban his YouTube in the day. You can do that.

[FelicityPike]

WTAF?!
Block YouTube, give him the cleaning materials for the bathroom, remove his computer privileges for a week!
That’s revolting! 12?! Jesus.

[RedskyBynight]

I think I would be pragmatic.

He needs to do his school work. Does he "need" to be on zoom for 5 hours a day (that sounds like a lot!)? At secondary school age, I think some autonomy over how they manage their day is ok. The agreement I have with my DC is that they attend any Live lessons (which are never for a whole hour - I think that's a lot!) and they aim to get most work done by the end of the day that it's set, and all work complete by the end of the week. If they do that, I won't fuss over the amount of time they are spending gaming/on their phones (on the basis there is little else to do, and a lot of this is for socialising). The flipside is, that if they do stop doing this, then I will get strict and start monitoring what they are doing/enforcing limits. So I'm giving control back to them to manage their time sensibly - which I think is what you want to achieve?