Blocked from 12yo phone

[ZoomMullet]

Ds, 12, has put fingerprint access on whatsapp.

I had a chat with DS, and explained that parents need to monitor kids' phone use (we've had a number of incidents where DS has needed guidance) and he understood, and said he wou;d feel the same way.

However, he has point-blank refused to give me access to his messages.

WWYD?

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

Take the phone. No access, no phone.

[user1488622199]

If it’s a condition of him having the phone that you get to check it and he’s not allowing you access I would probably take the phone off him.

[VeronicaVanHoopen]

Take the phone away.

Or unlock it using his fingerprint in the dead of night when he is fast asleep, and reset it to my fingerprint just to show him I could.

Would depend how much if a douche he was in general!

[Harp1977]

I also would take the phone and if he needed a phone for a parent to contact him I would provide a Doro or old style Nokia with no Internet. But I am the mean parent here in this house.

[WishingHopingThinkingPraying]

Take it away. He's clearly up to no good.

[CookEatRepeat]

Take the phone. That is a deal breaker.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

Another one agreeing to take his phone. He can't call the shots at 12.

[Chimeraforce]

Take the phone off them.

[RedSoloCup]

Definitely take the phone !

[BananaPop2020]

Take the phone, he does not make the rules.

[PeggyHill]

Take it off him. He can have it back once he gives you access.

He is only 12 and absolutely does need guidance. They can get themselves into hot water very quickly with unsupervised smart phone access.

[ZoomMullet]

Thanks. He understands that taking the phone is the obvious step, but he won't budge.

My problem is that his dad bought him the phone, and his dad has put the fingerprint access on it to stop me witnessing his lies, emotional abuse, and breaking of the court order re:involving ds in adult matters, undermining our home life, denigrating me to him, and trying to use DS to work on me to change the C/O how he would like it. (ie get DS to live there)

Ex tells DS I "spy" on him because I "don't trust him" etc.
Obviously I'm worried about taking a phone I haven't bought, and locking horns with DS, when his dad will just say "told you, mate - come and live here"

Just for clarity, I have never discussed with DS the things I find on the phone about me. I do not put him in between me and his dad.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

I'd have taken it straight off him and he'd be in a shit load of trouble for 'refusing' trouble is, with lockdown, there's not much left to take away, but I'd take away any Xbox type things.

If YOU need him to have a phone for your convenience then get him a basic one that texts/calls. No Internet.

Beware though, what you can find on your child's phone is probably only half of what they have!

[Nannyamc]

Take the phone
Obviously not mature enough for one
Dealbreaker too young for one anyway

[mumofthemonsters808]

Rule in our house, as long as we pay the contract we have full access, either like it or lump it.Take it away and stand your ground.

[carrotcake124]

I agree with other posters - no access no phone.

I would also attempt to unlock when he's asleep !

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

X posted with you

I'd have NO hesitation taking the phone due to his Dad having bought it.

Do you think he'd want to live with his Dad?

Do you think his Dad would want full time responsibility?

Do you think DS understand how his Dads 'parenting' might seem fun but isn't good for him. Kids NEED secure boundaries to kick against. In reality most are unhappy without safe boundaries.

Letting his father control how you parent through fear of DS going to live there will not end well. You'll end up with a teenager who rules the roost & bullies you because he thinks he can

[ZoomMullet]

Thanks, Witches, I agree completely.

Ds's refusal has really made me wonder if he has had a conversation with his dad where maybe he's joined in with the comments about me, or maybe discussing moving in with him.

Ex has been on Ds's case to live there more since DS was 6 years old - ex was just waiting 'til DS went to secondary school, and since he started there, ex has ramped up the undermining of home life, and has been pushing Ds to agree to what he wants.

So far Ds has ignored his dad to death, he just doesn't engage when ex says "tell your mum this is what you want - you want to be here more, you're not a kid any more, you can make up your own mind".
Ds will send the occaional "OK" when pressured via WhatsApp.

It's these sort of messages that have made me check, and it's these sort of messages that have made ex block my access.

Me taking the phone will make ex explode.

[Giraffey1]

Take the phone from him. Let your ex explode.

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

Get him a crappy calls and texts it brick. Take the phone. He can have it back when he goes to his Dad's, but hands it in when he gets home.

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

If you want, tell your son that he's got 30 mins to remove the fingerprint lock. He can delete things now if he wants but the lock stays off from now on and you will check now and then. Explain that you know sometimes you say things to people to get them to stop pestering that you might not mean, and you understand if he wants to remove anything he might now regret. Clean slate.

[SimplyRadishing]

Take it off him and unlock it while he is sleeping.
Give him an old school phone if he won't cooperate secrets are bad news

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

Why would your ds not simply delete the messages, and then show you his phone?
I know that won't help you, but I'm wondering why he wouldn't do it? Does he think another one might come in that he couldn't delete, which would suggest there are many.

[SD1978]

I really don't think it's a simple and take the phone, your house, your rules. His dad has bought it, and is already manipulative according to you, although you also say your son is aware of this manipulation. Instead of demanding he takes off a safety lock that his dad has helped him out on their- maybe talk to him? Explain why you're concerned that it's on there. The reasons why you would appreciate access to the device. Ultimately he could be deleting content left right and centre. Access doesn't guarantee anything, and if you want access because of the conversations with his dad, not that you are concerned with friends and innapropriate content, that one seems more like you need to support- he loves his dad, and keeping communication open is your most likely bet that dads influence doesn't affect him, not looking at his conversations with his dad

[Nannyamc]

Let him explode. Nokia 3310 to communicate access to you both.
Co parenting for the sake of the child