Talk

Advanced search

I don't know why I did it

(43 Posts)
NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 22:23:41

I'm nervous posting this but I can't calm my brain. I feel confused and shocked.

So me and my 3 year old boy had the best day today. Honestly felt like I was bossing it as a mum. We were both happy and the day just flowed.

One thing happened though that I can't understand and now he's sound asleep in bed I'm driving myself crazy over it.

So we went to a park to practiced his scooter. He decided he wanted me to push him on it. With both his feet on it and me pushing from behind.

He hasn't mastered steering yet and I couldn't steer from behind so every time we got to the edge of the path I would stop and straighten him up and go again. But for some reason unknown on the last go I was pushing from behind and we were going towards the edge of the path which goes into grass and rather then stop the scooter I let go of him. Knowing full well he would fall off as the scooter hit the grass.

I don't understand what the hell i thought I was doing and what made my brain think that was a good idea. I picked him up straight away and checked he was ok and he was fine. He was rubbing his knees a bit. But no tears and we carried on having fun. BUT WHY? I would never want to hurt him. I don't get it? Why did I do that? I feel sick that my brain decided to do that.

It's like I had a intrusive thought to do it and then did it before I realised what I was doing. He could of hurt himself, it could of made him not want to go in his scooter again and he's only a beginner 😢 why why why???

OP’s posts: |
buttery81 Fri 08-Jan-21 22:58:52

I don’t know OP, why would you? confused

grassisjeweled Fri 08-Jan-21 23:00:04

Dunno. But he's fine, right? So you move on

Kittykat93 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:01:27

No idea..does seem very odd.

buttery81 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:02:08

Dunno. But he's fine, right? So you move on

This!

NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:19:28

I'm honestly sat here shaking, feeling sick.
I would never want any harm to come to him and I'm so protective. I still have my bloody stair gates up.

I can't explain it and it obviously happened so quick. It was like I thought it, did it and then straight away was mortified. All in 3 seconds. I have felt horrendous and confused since.

I don't know why I'm even coming in here telling the world. It's just I can't sleep or stop thinking about it. I feel like the worst mum. It's horrible because we had the best day after a horrendous Xmas with family suffering from COVID that that one thing has ruined it in my head.

I just want to understand why when I've never done anything like that before. It wasn't obviously to hurt him as that's my worst nightmare but I don't get it. I keep replaying it thinking maybe I didn't know he would fall and thought he would step off or something. But I don't know if I'm just trying to justify it. Sorry for long post

OP’s posts: |
MyNameForToday1980 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:19:59

I do a thing that surprised me with DD.

Sometimes when she is running or scooting a bit too fast, I slow down, to watch her.

You'd think that I, as someone who loves her with every fibre of my being, would run faster to catch her if she falls. But instead I slow down and pay full attention to what's happening, rather than trying to 'save' her from a potential fall.

And I wondered for a while why I do that.

But I believe it's because I'm watching whatever it is play-out very carefully so if she does fall, I know exactly what's happened.

And I compare it to when she's actually been in some danger, at the top of a climbing frame, or near a road going too fast. In those circumstances, I catch hold of her in almost super human time.

So I wonder if you too had subconsciously noted that he wasn't in danger, and were standing back and letting it play out.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:23:29

I think you're being insanely hard on yourself. He fell on the grass, so what? He's perfectly fine. Just let this go, op. We've all done silly things. You didn't send him careening into traffic, fgs.

Marley20 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:29:37

When my toddler was learning to walk he was holding onto a dining chair. I was talking to him and without thinking I moved the chair and he fell over (he was fine). It wasn't a conscious thing, I think I was just straightening the chair and didn't think but all I could think later was why the hell I'd done that when I knew he was holding it. I was probably sleep deprived and definitely would never want to hurt him, we all do crazy shit without thinking. Don't beat yourself up about it, he's fine xx

NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:32:03

@@MyNameForToday1980 that makes sense and thank you. I can't work out what my brain did and I've replayed it over and over to the point I don't trust my memory of the thought i had before letting go. I do know I knew he wasn't in danger.

I was pushing him from behind and he had both feet on scooter. And I just let go when he approach the grass edge knowing it would likely stop the scooter and he would fall off onto the grass? Did I think he'd find it funny? Did I think it would be funny? I don't know, I've never done anything like that. It was like a impulse where there wasn't time for my brain to catch up. And know i just feel horrendous. Hes not hurt and we carried on having the most amazing day. He got back on scooter after and all was fine. He doesn't know I let go he's unharmed. He just said "oh no I fell" then rubbed his knees while I had panic and starting hugging and asking him if he was ok. I just don't get why I did it.

OP’s posts: |
lcdododo Fri 08-Jan-21 23:32:18

MyNameForToday1980

I do a thing that surprised me with DD.

Sometimes when she is running or scooting a bit too fast, I slow down, to watch her.

You'd think that I, as someone who loves her with every fibre of my being, would run faster to catch her if she falls. But instead I slow down and pay full attention to what's happening, rather than trying to 'save' her from a potential fall.

And I wondered for a while why I do that.

But I believe it's because I'm watching whatever it is play-out very carefully so if she does fall, I know exactly what's happened.

And I compare it to when she's actually been in some danger, at the top of a climbing frame, or near a road going too fast. In those circumstances, I catch hold of her in almost super human time.

So I wonder if you too had subconsciously noted that he wasn't in danger, and were standing back and letting it play out.


This is so perfectly put.
I often do similar.
If I can see something about to happen, and I know no serious injury will occur, I let it play out.
To see what will happen, to see how DS will react, and to show him skills on how to get out of things

schmockdown Fri 08-Jan-21 23:33:03

Over thinking, he's fine, it's a lesson. Don't beat yourself up

NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:36:14

@Aquamarine1029 thank you. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Traffic is my worst trigger I'm never letting him cross the road by himself ever. Will be holding his hand when he's 40 lol

OP’s posts: |
NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:37:08

@schmockdown thanks you. I needed that. I hope I feel better tomorrow x

OP’s posts: |
Daydrambeliever Fri 08-Jan-21 23:40:14

Are you prone to obtrusive thoughts or anxiety? It sounds like you are thinking about this more than you should be.

helterskelter3 Fri 08-Jan-21 23:42:23

I think it’s nature. It was a safe way for him to fall, you let him (unconsciously) see what could cause a fall where the consequences were minimal. A psychologist might have a proper explanation. Don’t worry about it though!

Horehound Fri 08-Jan-21 23:43:57

Isn't this how kids learn to ride bikes?! You run behind then and they are pedalling away, you let Go and they continue to pedal still thinking your behind them.

Maybe that's what you did but with a scooter. However, he is fine so I wouldn't even think about it.

I once shouted BOO at my baby just as he was looking really relaxed and having a breastfeed.
He cried obviously because it gave him a fright. I honestly have no fucking idea what I was thinking when i did that and I still feed bad coming up to a year later. Bizarre. I think I thought it but then stupidly followed through with it. Weird weird weird. No damage done though, he still loves me :D

NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:54:47

@grassisjeweled yep diagnosed anxiety and post natal depression along with pure OCD. I have it all. Been in recovery and haven't suffered for over a year though. It's controlled by CBT and medications. I was thinking that what happened today has trigger it as I'm feeling all the symptoms that are a warning sign :-(

OP’s posts: |
NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:55:51

@Daydrambeliever @grassisjeweled yep diagnosed anxiety and post natal depression along with pure OCD. I have it all. Been in recovery and haven't suffered for over a year though. It's controlled by CBT and medications. I was thinking that what happened today has trigger it as I'm feeling all the symptoms that are a warning sign :-(

OP’s posts: |
HunkyPunk Fri 08-Jan-21 23:56:53

You wouldn't have let something happen that was going to really hurt him. We all have to 'let go' at some point, if our children are to learn to walk, run, scoot, ride a bike on their own, and we all know it's inevitable that they will sometimes fall before they properly get their balance and confidence. We also know when to do the 'letting go' in a 'safe' place. Maybe subconsciously you thought he was ready to try it on his own, or wanted to see if he could balance, and before you knew it, you were letting it happen. But you let it happen on grass, not the side of a road! Maybe you're going to be a '

NiKiTaCoLlEt Fri 08-Jan-21 23:57:08

@helterskelter3 I'm hoping this is it. That's makes so much sense. Thank you

OP’s posts: |
HunkyPunk Fri 08-Jan-21 23:58:31

Posted too soon!
Maybe you're going to be a 'pick yourself up, dust yourself off....' type of Mum with a fearless ds!

NiKiTaCoLlEt Sat 09-Jan-21 00:03:32

@HunkyPunk I'm the opposite I never let him take risks as I'm scared of him hurting himself. If I can it my way he wouldn't have a bike or scooter lol. That's why this doesn't make sense.

But I feel better after reading these comments. I know I'm a good mum and would never purposely hurt him. I have to try and take it out of my mind I guess.

OP’s posts: |
HunkyPunk Sat 09-Jan-21 00:08:36

Perhaps, then, it was your way of almost testing yourself to see if you could let him take more (limited) risks? Either way, I honestly wouldn't worry. smile

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Sat 09-Jan-21 00:20:51

NiKiTaCoLlEt

*@HunkyPunk* I'm the opposite I never let him take risks as I'm scared of him hurting himself. If I can it my way he wouldn't have a bike or scooter lol. That's why this doesn't make sense.

But I feel better after reading these comments. I know I'm a good mum and would never purposely hurt him. I have to try and take it out of my mind I guess.

The brain works in mysterious ways, I thino most of us have done similar things...and more than once.

Given what's going on & the associated stresses combined with your diagnosis, I'd cut yourself some slack.

I'm much more worried about you than DS, hope you get some sleep tonight and look after your MH, do what you need to do, to not get the anxiety & OCD back.

DS had a brilliant day, mucky knees is nothing 🌷

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in