Feeling trapped

[GBA123]

Hi all,

Sorry feel like I need to let off some steam a little bit...I’m a first time mum to my 11 week old boy on Sunday and am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He is becoming a bit easier in the day in the sense I can leave him in his chair or on his play mat for decent amount of time (enough for me to go and grab a drink or something to eat etc) and he also will nap (sometimes on me, sometimes I’ll get in my bed with him so I can try and get a bit of sleep as well albeit I find it hard for some reason - like I know I can so it makes it harder to drop off).

Despite all this, I have a constant feeling of isolation. My husband is back at work and works shifts so find it hard to establish any form of pattern with his presence and I live two hours away from my mum and dad so can’t even take advantage of using them as a support bubble. Even when my husband is around I just never feel relaxed. I have this constant feeling of being trapped, I don’t feel like doing anything or going out and want to just hide away but then I feel worse for it. My husband is helpful to an extent but I still feel lonely in myself. The days feel long and the nights longer (currently waking up twice on good nights for feeds) but I’m just wondering when I’m going to get this rush of love and be able to enjoy motherhood? I love my son but the toll it’s taking on my own well-being and sense of self is ridiculous and I feel like I want to just fast forward time or stop the world and get off.
Please tell me I’ve got something to look forward to cos at the moment I feel like I’m running on empty and losing myself

[lockdownpregnancy]

Hi OP. I have a 14 week DS and I feel similar to you. I can't see my friends, family or in laws. I see my mom a few times a week but even that is limited to an extent.
It's just me and baby boy. DH works so hard and with his shift pattern is either asleep or getting ready for work so I feel lonely a lot of the time.
This lockdown is not helping any of us mummy's at the moment. No baby groups, no social interaction, it's just shit! The on line community does help but we need social interaction!!
You're not alone with your feelings and it sounds like you're doing a Sterling job with your baby!
I absolutely love my DS, don't get me wrong but with the lack of support and things to do it does wear me down sometimes.
I'm so proud to be his mommy but I literally cannot wait until all this shit is over and we can see people again
You'll get their OP. Just one day at a time ❤️❤️

[GBA123]

@lockdownpregnancy thanks for replying. I asked my husband for a bit more practical help when he is around just washing up after himself n bits like that but feel guilty asking too much given he’s the one going to work...although I think I need to tell myself it’s a full time job being a mum!

It’s hard times we’re in atm as I feel like my mindset is a bit blurred and more negative given the lockdown but then I don’t know if I’d still feel any better given all my friends and family do live a distance away. I think I do need to take each day at a time like you said...I work myself up thinking what may happen in the future and know it doesn’t help

[ZooKeeper19]

@GBA123 handhold from here. Many of us have been there. Myself included. I remember the first time I went to bed and rolled my back to the baby next to me cot - it felt like a touch of freedom. Then the second time when I let my husband lay between me and the baby, felt like holiday (not sure if this is ridiculous but that's how I felt). First time I went to shower by myself I cried. Yes.

When my son was born, I did not feel "surge of love and all that. I was just happy he is OK. That's it. I have held puppies and kittens that I cuddled more than my son when he was born. Honestly - it will come. It took us maybe 6 months or so to somehow get used to this small dictator, and he was and is a relatively easy baby.

What helped me was getting out of the house every day, no matter what. It made things better. Even to Tesco, or a walk around the park or for coffee (god that was so good).

Second thing that helped was dad on board. Wash, laundry, dishes, floor, cats, shopping, hold baby while I shower, everything. Remember - you are in full time job 24/7. Not 8 hours and done. So You do yourself no favours by saying he works full time. You work more. I am not kidding, make this clear in the nicest way - you taking care your baby stays alive and healthy is exhausting as hell. Be kind to yourself, do not ask for help, ask for him to be a dad. It's his baby too :)

[Ihaveoflate]

It does get easier but honestly I still find it hard and I never truly relax unless my 18 mo is in bed. I never got a rush of love either, more of a slow burn, and not until she was around a year old. So don't worry if it takes a while for the bond to develop - it's totally normal.

Getting out every day for a little walk does help - a cliché but true nonetheless. Try and treat yourself once a day even if that's just a nice biscuit or a bath.

It really will get better, but in the mean time reach out for support if you need it - your GP, a friend, this forum - just keep talking.

[Phiphi123]

My little boy is 11 weeks and I get what you’re saying. I think it’s lockdown that really isn’t helping...no baby groups, no popping to the shops with baby, no swimming, no having friends pop by and no cafes to change baby or have a coffee...just freezing cold walks. I feel like I am going insane sitting inside all day looking after baby. I’m actually considering going back to work part time soon because maternity leave has so not what I had been hoping for. Let’s hope it improves with spring. Best of luck xx

[ArtemisBean]

Everything zookeeper said. DH was working shifts throughout DS's first year and for the first few months I thought I would die of exhaustion, mental and physical. No family or friends to help either. It was haaaaard. But it gets easier. Honestly. Hang in there. Two years on from those early months and I still can't believe I'm now lucky enough to have a shower in guilt-free peace. It's such a treat! 😁

[KatieKat88]

It does get easier. I found it really hard at that age with a lack of routine but DD fed and slept when she wanted and that was probably still the best thing to do. I found it a lot better once we started weaning at 6 months and getting a proper routine in place. Are you getting out for a walk every day? Try online baby classes as something to do (and if you're at home it doesn't really matter if baby wants to sleep or feed during them!) Use them as a way of finding other new mums in your area so you have someone to chat to/commiserate with and try to meet up for walks - under 5s don't count in England so you can meet with one other person. But most of all, know that it does get easier and you will get through it!

[IndieRo]

I just want to let you know how you are feeling is normal. My dc are now 8,10 and 12. I didn't get that surge of love on my first and struggled to bond. Looking back I had an unrealistic view of birth and motherhood. My DH also worked long hours.I have to say DD1 was a dream baby, ate, slept, rarely cried. I actually went back to work when dd was 5 months old as the recession hit and my husband was made redundant. I actually couldn't wait to get back to work. On my 2nd dd I did bond with her instantly and even though she was a terrible sleeper and cryer I found it all easier tbh even with an 18 month old toddler. It won't be like this forever, time passes very quickly. Try and be kind to yourself and lower your expectations of what you think motherhood should be. We are all just getting by day by day, hour by hour and mostly winging it. You will have good and bad days but please go easy on yourself.

[GBA123]

Thanks everyone for your replies...I am going with the flow in the day...feeding when he wants feeding and napping when he wants...I guess that’s one benefit of lockdown and not having to work around anyone else’s timings...I do get out most days for a walk and am also starting to embrace just sitting n watching Netflix...funnily enough I find it easier when my husbands at work as I feel like my natural instinct kicks in and I just crack on with it, but it still doesn’t make any of it easy. Do I have any common milestones to look forward to? The nights are killing me and I feel like that just sets every day off on a bad note because I feel like I’ve already run a marathon!

[LincolnshireLassInLondon]

You'll be getting baby smiles any time now and giggles soon after

[Erina2110]

I totally relate. My DD is also 11 weeks and has been a very challenging baby so far. Things have started getting a bit easier, but I also feel a bit isolated and trapped and miss how life used to be.

I can't relax either and whenever she's asleep I feel like I'm on a timer trying to get things done, and I never feel like I have time to do things I enjoy anymore. Whenever I do try, I can't relax because I'm just worrying she'll wake up any minute.

One thing that really helps me is watching
Vlogs on YouTube of other mums with older kids and seeing all the fun stuff I'll be able to do with her one day like taking her for fun days out, doing arts and crafts and baking and things like that :) one of my favorite channels to watch is Louise Pentland.

You've already come a long way and got through the hardest part during a pandemic which takes a lot of strength. I think things will get a lot better for us when it's summer and the weather is lovely, hopefully the virus won't be as much of a problem by then, and our babies will be older and be able to do a lot more. Hang in there! You're doing amazing 💕

[cptartapp]

I wanted time to rush forward too. The days were so long. At 13 weeks I put DS1 in nursery pt and went back to work. The sense of relief was immediate, I felt 100% better. DS2 went when he was 16 weeks old two years later. They're 18 and 15 now and never ever had a moments regret.
We're all bonded well enough and my pension looks great. BTW It didn't get easier until they were about three. I wasn't prepared to hang on in wishing my life away that long.