Advice from mums with more than one child please

[CouldntThinkOfAUsrname]

Hi all

I’m currently debating whether or not to have another child (currently have one 16 week old son).

Pros:
It’s another little human to nurture and to love and to watch them grow
Would give my baby boy a sibling to grow up with
I’ve always wanted more than one child

Cons:
My partner isn’t as hands on as id like him to be and I find it exhausting doing the majority of childcare
Childbirth was horrific for me
I’m pretty sure I had/have PND (I cried everyday for the first 10 weeks or so of baby’s life - convinced I was doing a rubbish job at every aspect)
Sleep deprivation is hell
My body (specifically my vagina and boobs) are ruined which makes me feel like crap
I worry about baby all the time - it would be that worry x2
Increased financial pressure

What are your experiences? Is it harder or worth it all in the end? How did you know if/when to go for it?

[Edgeoftheledge]

Your baby is so little, perhaps review it In a year or so. Why isny your DH pulling his weight?

[tinytoucan]

I wasn’t sure whether to have another or not, I did a lot of weighing up pros and cons. We decided we wouldn’t have another before DS was 3 as nursery is extortionate (!) and around that time I started to get broody so we went for it. I now have a lovely DD and I’m so happy we made that decision. It has been great for DS to have a sibling despite the age gap, and I feel like we’re ‘done’ now, whereas before I was never sure. Having said that, it is hard and I feel absolutely exhausted everyday (particularly now with home school and looking after a recently mobile baby). I think the most rewarding part for me is seeing the relationship develop between them, it really is lovely.

[CouldntThinkOfAUsrname]

@EdgeoftheledgeI I know I’m probably thinking about it way too soon... I think because I didn’t have the best experience of birth and the first few months that if I do want to do it again it better be soon, in case the longer I leave it the less I want to, if that makes sense. That’s probably not a healthy way For me to look at it though!
& to be honest I’m not sure why. I think he thinks he does his share but I beg to differ. I’m tired of asking for more help at this point.

[CouldntThinkOfAUsrname]

@tinytoucan thanks for your input :) that sounds so sweet that they have such a good bond! Did you find it hard adjusting to doing the newborn phase all over again or was it easier as you’d already had the practice with your first baby?

[zeddybrek]

You have a 16 week old baby, I would say it's too soon to think about another. Give yourself time to heal.

I had one, decided immediately not to have another. Sold or gave away absolutely everything only to then do a u turn and buy it all again for DC2.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Don't fall for the "next time I'll do it properly". I tried that. Karma gave me twins. 12 days before Christmas (last year) and then a fucking pandemic.

It’s another little human to nurture and to love this is a big one for me. I never wanted one. I didn't want to do it just once.
Would give my baby boy a sibling to grow up with I do like seeing the kids together, mostly. Except the twins are little poo bags and will move each others hands off whatever they're holding on to (so imagine adjacent in the play pen) which would be fine but neither can stand alone.
I’ve always wanted more than one child do it, but not yet
My partner isn’t as hands on as id like him you need to train that out NOW. I get it's lockdown but leave DP with baby alone regularly. I did "baby is fed and clean", "baby is hungry but clean" , "baby is there, figure it out"
Childbirth was horrific for me it won't be the same necessarily. Might planned C Sec be an option?
I’m pretty sure I had/have PND if you think you still have it, please speak to someone
Sleep deprivation is hell next one might be good, this one might be up 4 times a night till they're 7
My body (specifically my vagina and boobs) are ruined focus on what you can change, and remember the rest result in that beautiful baby
I worry about baby all the time meh, I think you worry about less stuff second time
Increased financial pressure unless you're anent they must go to private school and house riding and skiing every year, or your brassic, you'll cope. Kids need love, the rest you manage

[KeyIndexAug]

2 is definitely harder than 1. But it at a certain age it is really nice to see them playing together.

It's still very early days so maybe give it more time. Also, just because you had a bad birth this time doesn't necessarily mean it will be the same next time

[tinytoucan]

@CouldntThinkOfAUsrname it was definitely easier 2nd time round. I found I didn’t put so much pressure on myself and stuff that I found hard to deal with first time didn’t seem to bother me this time. I’m not sure why that is and obviously that won’t be the same for everyone. I just put it down to feeling a bit more confident in myself this time.

I’d agree with other posters though in that it’s early for you to be making this decision unless you’re particularly keen on a small age gap. If there’s no time pressure there’s no harm in waiting a bit- enjoy your baby for a while longer and decide when they’re a bit bigger.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

I think you should go for it. I have two children 3&4 with additional needs (thankfully not sick or suffering!) They are hard work and I too experience a lot of anxiety that an injury or something could happen anytime, But I would never change it, they are so different and it would be absolute pants if my youngest was never here and all the things they do together and fun we have!

Just try to practise chilling out a bit more. Childproof the hell outta your house. At least two fully, fully childproofed rooms with baby gate and baby monitor! ( At certain stages the greatest danger in leaving them alone is that the bigger child unintentionally hurts the youngest, your life will be a lot easier if you can give them chill time and timeouts separately sometimes!)

[Truelymadlydeeplysomeonesmum]

Two of mine only have a 17 month age gap. It was brutally hard the first couple of years. I wouldn't recommend it if you haven't got support from your partner.

My advice would be to give yourself and your body a couple of years to recover and adjust to being a mum.

[Bringallthebiscuits]

Take proper time to recover - there is no big rush to decide? Perhaps see how you feel once you have a toddler.

Think about practical things like whether you want to work - if you would need childcare two sets of nursery/childminder fees is huge.

I have a fairly big age gap (3.9) years and have found it useful that my eldest can be left alone safely while I change a nappy. I only have to keep an eye on what one baby is trying to do, not two. It’s also helpful that (in normal times!) he now goes to school, which makes the days less exhausting. But some prefer a smaller age gap so that the baby stage is out of the way more quickly and they might be more likely to play together.

[blowinahoolie]

Way too early to be thinking of another baby. Just enjoy your baby just now 💐

[Ticklemynickel]

I couldn't have thought about having another one at 16 months let alone 16 weeks! I'd concentrate on your recovery, spending time with your baby and frankly, telling your partner to pull his socks up and do his share.

[FieldOverFence]

Enjoy your baby, and think about whether you want another after they're a year old
My brain at 16 weeks wasn't functional enough to make that kind of decision :D
I did go for another, and they're 2 years apart and great little buddies (now 7 and 5).

But the big thing you need to focus on is getting your partner on-board and fully parenting !

[Respectabitch]

It's too early to think about it. You're being affected by the post birth hormones, which for some reason make you weirdly broody. Don't do something completely daft like conceive again to try and get another birth over quickly! You'll make your life way, way harder than it needs to be

Give it at least six months to see how things settle. And see if you can get your DH to step up in the meantime.

[QforCucumber]

Theres 4.5 years between my 2. We didnt even consider a 2nd until the first was about 3. Jusy go enjoy your baby.

[Emelene]

I've just had my second baby, almost 2 years exactly from my first. I always knew I didn't want my daughter to be an only child.

But I agree with PPs, no firm decisions need to be made when baby is 16 weeks. Maybe revisit at about a year?
This is my current advice to myself as we are very undecided as to whether we want a third so I'm parking it for a while...

[Ebhc]

Definitely hold off. I'm only trying for my 2nd 9 years later. I'm not suggesting you wait that long but just enjoy your baby and allow yourself to recover for now.

[Ohalrightthen]

Sort out your partner first. Completely unfair to saddle another kid with a dad you know is useless.

[3rdtimelucky2019]

Your nether regions will improve. I cried all the time about the state of mine after a very very long second degree tear. Now completely back to normal a year down the line.

[cheesebubble]

Give yourself some time mama, you're doing a fantastic job and it's very early to think about number 2.

You don't really need a pro and con list, your body, heart and soul will tell you whether or not you want a second (or at least that's what happened with me when number 1 turned 18 months).

Sending lots of love and please be kind to yourself 💗

[cheapskatemum]

I'm guessing you don't have to decide just yet. You might find that DH is more hands on when baby is more of a little person. I had 3 DSs in 3 years and it was exhausting. That was without PND. I then had DS4 after a gap of 3 years and everything seemed so much easier - just doing things with 1 DC while the others were at nursery/school. Good luck with whichever you choose!

[Aria999]

Pp have said it mostly.

I'm so glad I had DD2. Was planning to stick at one then got a sudden attack of broodiness when DS was 2 y 9mo as a result of all the mums in my playgroup being pregnant with their second 😂.

But much sooner than that I couldn't have imagined coping with two. DS got a bit more independent and it suddenly seemed possible.

I do feel it's going to be the best thing for DS to have a sister even with the 4 year age gap. They're already starting to be a bit of company for each other (Dd is 11mo) and DS doesn't like to be alone much.

Be gentle to yourself and don't rush into anything but yes I recommend number 2!

[Mysteryamazonian]

Definitely hold off for now.
You've done the first mile of a marathon, perhaps keep going a bit longer before your sign yourself up to another one. But just because of the effect on your body, but because all you've had so far is the newborn stage. Newborns have their challenges I guessbut toddlers are brutal.

People rise to the challenge and increased work of two, when they need to, and I'm sure you will when the time comes, but if your are worried about that, then it's probably best to experience some of the older (and for many people, much, much tougher) stress ahead, before deciding.

Basically, babies in turn into toddlers, and toddlerhood is like marmite (and they still don't sleep).

[E1ffelTower]

I never dreamed of just having one. Started trying again as soon as we had the first. Unfortunately it took me nearly two years to get pregnant again. (Actually I lost two in between)

The first baby is hard, your entire life changes to revolve around them. Second baby is easy, they have to fit in around the life you already have. Plus you already know that the hideous no sleeping phase passes, that cluster feeding passes.