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What is your style of parenting?

(44 Posts)
Cash02 Tue 05-Jan-21 14:38:55

I’m having an afternoon dip and need something to wake me up a bit.
How do YOU parent?
Do you follow a particular style or a mix of styles?
Do you not think about it and go with the flow?
Are there things as a parent that you absolutely will do, and things you’ll avoid?
This is pure curiosity, I don’t feel any way about any style of parenting.
My little one is turning one in a few months, as she gets older I’m thinking more about the way I want her to see me and the way I raise her, so far we’ve done a mix of traditional and naturalistic (sorry I hate that word) approach, I plan to breastfeed for a good while longer, i babywore, I didn’t really push milestones although she’s was always horribly ahead of them all, however she was spoon fed, started on purées (shock and horrorshock) and was always in her cot, unless I woke up in the morning and she was in bed with me confused
This thread isn’t for a certain age of child, from baby to stinking teenager, I wanna hear it all.

OP’s posts: |
Seriously79 Tue 05-Jan-21 14:41:36

I don't think I've got a 'style' just trying to teach them right from wrong, to work hard and to be good people.

I have ds 12 and dd 18 months, they are lovely, and loads of fun. Just trying to do the best we can to raise lovely little humans.

FizzingWhizzbee123 Tue 05-Jan-21 14:59:22

Currently, in lockdown with a newborn and a toddler, grumpier and snappier than I’d like to be, with too much screen time.....

In normal times, I don’t know. I don’t read parenting books or blogs so have no idea what the style labels are. I don’t fit into anything, I just cherry pick what suits us.

I breastfeed and baby wear but I wouldn’t say I’m an attachment parent. I also use a pram. DS2 is EBF so far, DS1 was mix fed from 6 months. I absolutely do not want to cosleep, nor want to still be up in the night with a 2 year old that still breastfeeds several times a night. Both had dummies.

I follow a schedule, but not strictly. I don’t leave my kids to cry for prolonged periods around sleep, but a bit of time to grizzle and settle is fine by me.

I can be strict to some extent. I expect my kids to be polite and kind. I do not tolerate rudeness, violence or destructive behaviour. However I love to get down on the floor and play with the kids too and I’m not afraid to have silly fun with them. Lots of cuddles and kisses, lots of reading together and tell them I love them every single day.

Tbh, the style of parenting i have is mostly influenced by my own mother, who was a wonderful single mother after my father died when I was very young. We didn’t have much money but I never noticed that as a child. She didn’t take any shit and you wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of her, equally she was such a warm and loving mum and we had so much fun together. A good balance IMO. I miss her so much.

I just want to raise decent human beings who are kind and caring and contribute to society. I also want them to be happy, whatever they do. They don’t have to shoot for the moon (unless they want to), as long as they are happy and good people. I also want them to have the confidence to stand up for themselves and their loved ones too, not to be kind to the extent of being a pushover. I just approach teaching them those values through my instincts, not by boxing myself into any particular style.

FizzingWhizzbee123 Tue 05-Jan-21 15:05:37

Oh and I BLW, having been assured that it a combo of breastfeeding and BLW would avoid fussy eating. DS1 was fine till 12 months and is such a fussy eater now. So that was a load of rubbish. I’ll prob to a combo of purées and finger foods with DS2, as I hated the BLW mess.... unless I find purées too much faff and can’t be bothered, in which case I’ll just throw our food at him a d call it BLW again! Whatever is easiest, they just need to be fed and it doesn’t make much difference in the grand scheme of things.

keyworkerhonestguv Tue 05-Jan-21 15:41:17

I Try and remember to say YES sometimes. As a parents you say a lot of NOs.

Try and teach them to work hard but have fun and have open minds, try new things and be compassionate.

SpikySara Tue 05-Jan-21 16:00:13

I’m a very relaxed parent. In fact my own mother complains about how relaxed I am and so does my husband. I breastfed on demand and never had a schedule. We don’t really have a meal schedule either, we just eat when we’re hungry. If my toddler drops some beans on his clothes I don’t immediately whip them off and put clean ones on. If he picks up something he shouldn’t have I don’t yell and leap up and snatch it away. I don’t have a naughty step. He reads when he wants to and it’s ok if he just wants to look at the pictures, or gets bored halfway through and doesn’t want to finish the book. It’s ok if he sits in the mud in the garden, I just ignore it and wash him when we come indoors. We eat a piece of chocolate every day, sometimes twice a day. There have been times when he’s left a slice of toast at breakfast then eaten it at lunchtime because it was still on the dining table, and I haven’t freaked out about it. I‘m not strict about bedtime either, I just take him to bed when he looks tired, and if he doesn’t go to sleep we just lie in bed and watch tv. Sometimes we don’t brush our teeth until after lunch if we’re not going anywhere.

I’m relaxed about everything actually. Never in a hurry. It infuriates DH, who thinks it’s wrong to eat your dinner hot while there are dirty dishes in the sink (apparently you should wash your dishes before you sit down to eat your meal, which by then has gone cold). I’m more likely to eat my meal then take DC out in the garden to play and leave the dishes until I need the pans to cook dinner.

Ohalrightthen Tue 05-Jan-21 18:51:38

I breastfed and babywore, but the latter was mainly because i had a reflux baby who was in agony in the pram, plus I'm married to a hiker and you can't push a pram up a mountain anyway. I also sleep trained at 10m.

Generally speaking, i think our parenting falls into the category of "benign neglect". DD is generally left to her own devices, we play with her a bit but mostly she totters about by herself and entertains herself. This has been the case since she was crawling (5 months, gah!). She's a climber, and i don't tend to stop her - the floors are carpet, if she falls down she'll learn how to climb better next time. We did BLW because i couldn't be bothered with purees and she naps in her cot, but also sometimes has days where she'll nap in the backpack, or the car, or the pram if we're in town. No real routine, just what worked that day.

When i was pregnant our main goal was to maintain our own lives, identities and relationships. She's definitely not in charge! That's been the crux of our parenting style.

MrFlibblesEyes Wed 06-Jan-21 10:59:35

I don't think I've ever followed a particular parenting style, just picked and chose the bits that worked for us. I originally assumed I would breastfeed but it didn't work out for us and in a way I'm glad it didn't as I have found bottle feeding really helped with a sleep routine! I suppose that's the one thing we were strict about, ds has always been put down to sleep in his cot and has slept through since 11 weeks so it clearly works for us! If he ever went through a slight regression we did controlled crying (never brought him into our room) and he was always back to his usual routine within a couple of days. Did a mixture of purees and finger foods and now at 14 months he still currently eats anything that's put in front of him so not following blw doesn't seem to have harmed him too much! Oh and we have a carrier but I always found it too hot/heavy to wear and I like to hang stuff on the pram so no baby wearing for me (our pram is an off roader so we can still traipse across fields). I think you find what works for you as a parent as you go along, it's best not to have to many preconceived ideas that might not work out and lead you to feeling like you have failed.

plumpootle Wed 06-Jan-21 11:05:28

I follow Philippa Perry - the book you wished your parents had read.

The theory is, you are in a relationship with your child, she is not a project. I try and relate to DD and speak respectfully to her. I try and be thoughtful about her point of view. I have boundaries but I try as much as possible to accommodate her. I was baby led, but I'm not sure I'm attachment now and we don't co- sleep or anything. I don't know if I'm getting it right, I worry a lot but I think that comes with any approach. I try not to get
cross or be impatient, I try and remember how little she is and how much she needs me. It's easier to have that approach with one child possibly? I suppose I'll find out if it was a good approach when she's in her 30s and all the personality dust has settled!

Kanaloa Wed 06-Jan-21 11:13:54

Depends on the child. I’ve learned with my third child (who has autism) that the best parenting for me is just reacting to the specific child instead of following someone else’s plan for good parenting. So I give guidance and support within the realms of each child’s personality.

sheslittlebutfierce Wed 06-Jan-21 11:22:04

Mum to 2 DDs in their 30's and a pre-teen.

I can guarantee I parent completely differently this time around.
With the older 2 I was much more concerned by outside opinions and factors.

I very much 'pick my battles' this time.
Home is in a very different town now and this gives her many more freedoms. I am very chilled about many things which previously would have lost the plot about.
My daughters are all very mature and always have been. Never ones to get involved in cat fights/squabbles but the youngest one is 12 going on 29 and it may well be because of the difference in my parenting!

MyNameForToday1980 Wed 06-Jan-21 11:25:05

I just do my best to bring up a reasonable human being.

I teach her what is important in life (humans over objects, kindness over prettiness etc.). I teach her how to be well mannered (as that will make her life easier). I am direct when I tell her off ("don't do that, if you do that the following thing could happen, instead do this"). I praise her a lot, the current struggle is between praising her, and teaching her some level of humility/self reflection (she's 4).

I'm not sure there is a particular name for the approach we take. But it seems relatively sensible.

Iwantacookie Wed 06-Jan-21 11:28:18

My dm was super strict so I'm super lax. Also told my dc if we have honesty and trust we wont need many rules.
Ide say it works, dont get me wrong ide stop them doing anything dangerous but anything else I think you need to make your own mistakes and learn from them.

missyB1 Wed 06-Jan-21 11:29:25

Ds is 12 I’m probably a bit old fashioned in that I have been very routine led (especially when he was a baby and toddler), but it works for us. Even now I try and keep structure and some routines in his life as I believe it helps his confidence and mental health.
I err on the strict (ish) side. I’ve always given fair warning followed by a fair consequence if he chooses to ignore the warning.
I have encouraged empathy and actively teach him about empathy and awareness of others and their feelings, I started this when he was still a toddler.
I’m very affectionate and even though he’s 12 he still loves a cuddle. smile

BertieBotts Wed 06-Jan-21 11:29:37

As someone who got very into "parenting styles" when my first DC was little, don't overthink it. You can very very easily get hung up on this issue or that issue or following a "method" exactly to the letter and a lot of them aren't really realistic. It gets even worse if you follow Facebook pages or online personalities who are very invested because their entire brand is "gentle parenting" or "RIE" or "BLW" or whatever it is. In real life, nothing is that black and white. You don't need to look into every miniscule benefit of a certain practice in order to justify it. Someone who parents a different way to you is not the enemy. They might even have a useful perspective.

As a summary of what I've figured out is important.

Self care matters. Don't martyr yourself to a method, if you do this, it is not working for you.

FB/Insta/etc "parenting gurus" exaggerate tiny differences between choices - in reality it is hardly ever as stark as presented.

Don't be afraid of a child's negative feelings. It's not your job to prevent every instance of sadness or frustration. It's your job to help them see that they can experience sadness and frustration (etc) and be OK. That's resilience.

Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement, but neither will work if the issue is a lagging skill. Reward/punishment only works where the balance of motivation is not where you want it to be. It won't make your child be able to do something he can't do. If it's not working, this is almost always the issue.

Confidence and calm is the key to a lot of things. It's also OK if you're human and lose it sometimes. You do NOT have to be a perfect parent to be a good one.

Natsku Wed 06-Jan-21 11:31:01

I somewhat follow my instincts, somewhat research, and learn from my mistakes. Didn't sleep train my eldest, learnt from that and sleep trained my youngest (oldest is still a terrible sleeper at nearly 10 years old and has really suffered with it). BLW with eldest but traditional with youngest (new information about allergy prevention - much easier to get them to eat specific foods when its pureed). Pretty relaxed, let them take reasonable risks etc. but strictish about screen time. Strongly encourage independence. Youngest is completely different personality-wise from eldest so I will need to adjust more.

Bluesmartiesandpandapop Wed 06-Jan-21 11:38:32

When I'm happy with my parenting it's responsive and authoritative parenting. When I'm unhappy with my parenting it's swinging between being overly permissive and overt strict, where I am being reactive not responsive. It takes a while to work out what works and I am far from a perfect parent, but I'm doing my best. I am definitely not a helicopter parent, I try to encourage them and teach them to do things for themselves for a young age (although it doesn't always work!) I'm probably a bit too soft sometimes. I'm working on that at the moment, because I think being stricter will mean they are more secure in their boundaries. I have been letting them get away with a lot because of the covid situation, but we are finding a balance now again.

Atrixie Wed 06-Jan-21 11:39:39

My kids are teens and late primary. I did have routines for them and still do to a certain extent. My style is firm but fair. i'm the parent, I don't want to be their friend. However, I am extremely close to them all. I don't shout, this was a priority for me. Obviously, going bat shit because they've not got their shoes on or their bag pcked 2 minutes before the bus arrives excluded.

I'm honest in an age appropriate way, I respect them as people but I am the parent and they don't rule the house. I have few rules and they know what they are: manners, respect, doing their best at all times and politeness. I rarely say no, and when I do they know that I mean it. I try not to give them suprises, listen to them and give them fair warning at things .Seems to work so far and they tell me that they are happy and we have a happy home. Long may it last

RubyFakeLips Wed 06-Jan-21 11:46:03

I have 5 DC, now ranging from 9 to late twenties. All boys except my youngest.

I never followed a particular style, with 5Dc, all different personalities it doesn’t work, I probably parented similarly to my own parents which was your typical seventies parenting. I did not do the so called baby wearing, breastfed but not for long and barely at all with the last two. I would say I lurched between organised an chaotic for about 20 years, never great on routines. Sort of house where people think it’s all organised if they come round the night before, as uniform, lunches, bags etc all ready to go, then activities between waking and arriving at school would appear reminiscent of Pamplona’s running of the bulls.

Generally prioritised sleep training and have usually been able to get that down relatively early, so not suffered huge bouts of sleep deprivation many parents talk about. Consequently, never had to worry about bedtimes as they would mainly just go when tired. Importantly to me I’ve always felt able to maintain my identity outside of being a mother. Struggle with the idea you can’t get dressed or have an evening out with a young baby.

Bad manners and lying absolutely not tolerated. I will discuss issues at length with D.C. but I will not debate them, decision is mine and when I say no, I mean it. I never make a threat I’m not prepared to follow through on. I can be tough and I have smacked them on occasion. That being said I’m fair, generous and DC still maintain I’m fun and very caring.

I’m different to the standard MN parent I’ve encountered, in that I’ve always been quite relaxed about bedtimes, food, age ratings but think operating as a family unit and not being led by children is important. My role is to keep them safe and make the decisions, that’s my privilege as an adult and comes with responsibility and consequences. Sometimes life isn’t fair and they need to be taught how to bounce back not to be cushioned from ever having the experience.

My parenting has always had an emphasis on being honest, and I’ve wanted to instil kindness and honesty in my DC. However, my main goal has always been to prepare them for the world and the rest of their lives. Confidence, emotional resilience and independence are attributes I’m pleased to see in my children.

On discussion with older DC they don’t appear to harbour any serious resentment, we are still all close and have family time together. Am now a grandparent too. I expect there are things I’d do differently now, as trends change and so do we as people but I doubt it would impact the overall outcome much at all. I’m a good enough parent and that’s fine by me.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying Wed 06-Jan-21 11:49:56

I'm a rubbish style of parent! Thought I'd be great but it's a lot harder than it looks!!!

EssentialHummus Wed 06-Jan-21 11:57:29

Similar to bertie really. I’m quite authoritative, I value routine and sleep and calm because I think it’s for everyone’s benefit but there’s lots of warmth and silliness and love.

Mogwaimug Wed 06-Jan-21 12:01:34

I like the "whatever gets everyone through the day alive" approach combined with "my parents were worse but I turned out ok" method.

nevernotstruggling Wed 06-Jan-21 12:25:25

Bf, sling carried and used a rear facing pushchair when they were older. We went to lots of baby groups and hung out with other families. Supporting speech and social skills and attachment was really important to me from the start. I sought out a Montessori which was tiny and they had a great time there.
As they got older we have prioritised reading and outdoor learning and conservation/history and wider world learning hopefully without brow beating. We do lots of craft and creative stuff too.

On reflection I have been really strict with the dc. There are rules and expectations of behaviour and table manners and so on. They respond really well to routines and feeling secure that they know what's going on and what's coming next.

I love supporting the kids interests and encouraging them to be skilled in the things they enjoy. I think nurture is everything at home. For example if one of my children has a test coming up or similar then they get one to one time with me and a treat and a fuss beforehand.

We have family traditions such as if the kids come out of school with a reward they get a photo abs it gets printed and stuck on the fridge no matter how small.

nevernotstruggling Wed 06-Jan-21 12:26:29

* FB/Insta/etc "parenting gurus"* oxymoron much

Moonbabyskalimba Wed 06-Jan-21 12:41:53

I don't think I have a particular style. My DS is 15 months.
The only thing I have strong opinions about is co-sleeping. I think it's dangerous so have never done it. DS will come into our bed for a cuddle but goes back into his cot every time.
He was bottle fed. Traditional weaning rather than baby led (mostly because I was terrified of choking).
I leave him to play on his own quite a bit, but also get down on the floor with him, sing songs, read books etc. I don't believe it's a good thing to arrange activities 24/7. Children need to learn to play independently.
We have a routine for meals and bedtime only.
I think that's it. Is there a name for my parenting style?

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