Struggling

[ascari5253]

I needed somewhere to share and talk and thought of this place, any thoughts, advice or encouragement is welcome:

We had our beautiful baby boy in September. He is perfect in so many ways. Unfortunately my wife suffered a rare tear during the birth which still causes her discomfort and may do so for some time. In addition to this, her parents live overseas and have not been able to visit since visiting for the birth although we are lucky to have my parents fairly close by.

Christmas holidays has been a struggle, the lockdowns are weighing on our mental health and as outgoing people not being able to see people and share the joy of our baby has been enormously tough. My parents have regularly visited to help which has been our only respite.

The baby appears to be having sleep regression and the lack of sleep is affecting us both but more so my wife. He has never fed brilliantly, often having a poor latch and he is a tough one to get to sleep at the best of times and even when he is asleep he can wake up earlier than you would hope. This was previously only a day thing but it is a night thing as well.

I have been lucky that my job has continued to exist and allowed me to work from home during this but the next three months are busy onsite client visits and I will hardly, if at all, be able to work from home until Easter.

My wife's first day with me back at the office today has been a disaster. He did not sleep well and my wife has struggled to get him to feed or nap and called in tears with him crying loudly in the background. Thankfully I was able to call my Dad, who no longer works, and he was able to go around and give her some help.

I am sure there are other things I could add here - he is a very alert baby and also very smart, if we figure out a way of getting him to sleep he starts fighting it the next time we try whilst generally fighting sleep.

He is a beautiful, wonderful baby and I love him dearly but I am here at work so worried about my wife and him.

Has anyone got any encouragement, advice or thoughts from their experience or wisdom that they could share? Anything would be much appreciated.

Thanks

[crazychemist]

Hi there,

How is your wife’s recovery doing generally? Anything that can be done to ease any ongoing problems from the birth?

It’s really tough with a little one when you’re on your own, even just for part of the day until you get used to it and get into the swing of things. Your wife will need you to listen to her concerns and difficulties (and perhaps tears) as much as she needs anything actually “fixed”.

Feeding problems can have a huge adverse affect on sleep. Your baby can’t sleep well if they are waking up because they are hungry! Have you had him checked for tongue tie? That can cause latching problems. If exclusively breastfeeding and still having issues 3 months in, that isn’t typical - I’d strongly suggest trying to see a breastfeeding consultant or advisor. Call the health visiting team and ask if they know anyone in your area and if they can refer (you may be able to see one for free, but otherwise it’s probably worth paying for an assessment to see if it’s something with an easy fix). There may also be a local breastfeeding peer support group that would have plenty of advice/experience.

Sleep regressions are horrific. What attitude do you have towards sleep habits as a family? Personally, I found cosleeping to be a lifesaver and was happy to let sleep take its natural course in terms of development e.g. didn’t mind feedinG to sleep. Other parents take a more rigid stance on what they are prepared to do. Either way (and many between) can work, but it’s really goood if everyone is on the same page. There are lots of books that are full of information on what to expect at different ages and how to encourage good sleep. I’m a fan of the gentle sleep book, but if you’re looking for a “how to” it’s probably not for you.

In my experience, babies that fight sleep are often either going through a developmental phase which means they really want to practice a particular skill to the exclusion of all else. If that’s it, it passes relatively quickly. Or they are getting overtired from having too much awake time. That’s a challenge to fix.... my attitude was to get them into a workable routine first, then reduce how much work I had to do to keep it going. E.g. I didn’t work on them self-settling, I did whatever was needed to get them to sleep (feeding rocking, driving around...) and stuck to it for a week so that they would expect sleep at that time, and become tired. Then start to build in sleep associations e.g. smell of lavender, particular story or sounds, same place each time. It takes a couple of weeks to see much improvement.

[lockdownpregnancy]

Have you tried hairdryer noise on you tube? If my DS is fighting his sleep during the day I use this and 90% of the time he's out like a light.
Also if your DS is struggling with feeding have you thought of switching to formula? This way you can share feeding responsibility with your wife and give her a break. You will know exactly how much your DS is having and you should be able to get him into a routine and settle easier if he's got a full tummy.
Stopping g breast feeding should not feel like failure just tried and tested but not successful. Happens to a lot of women. I had to bottle feed as I couldn't get a single drop out of my boobs!
My ds was also born in September. I haven't hit the sleep regression yet but he is a tinker for his day time naps! I use the phrase 'ongoing battle' lightly!
Hope things start to improve for you soon 🤞

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

I really feel for both of you. I think you’re right now at the single hardest part of baby-hood. The newness and wonder have worn off, as has the sheer adrenaline kick you get with a newborn. The sleep regression has hit, when you have no sleep reserves to draw on. And it’s the darkest month of winter, in a global pandemic.

I think there might be some benefit to you both in just recognizing and embracing the sheer shittiness of this particular moment, and NOT put pressure on yourselves to thrive. Just surviving is ok sometimes.

What I WILL say is it does get easier. I found with both my kids that around 6 months you get into a swing of things. Baby starts sleeping and eating better, and you feel more competent as a parent.

Until then: give each other grace. Don’t make any big life decisions. Try to plan one nice thing per day and get it in the calendar a week ahead. I mean small, achievable things. Monday, father-in-law will visit from 2-5 and mama will take a nap (Covid rules permitting). Tuesday you’ll order your favourite take-away. Wednesday you’ll go for a walk together after work. Thursday you’ll have a favourite bar of chocolate when the baby goes down for third nap. Friday set up a call with a close friend. Etc. Try to plan and celebrate the really small wins, and you will get through this!

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

Also: as a mum who struggled a bit with Baby #1 when DH went back to work, my biggest piece of advice to you would be to under-promise and over deliver. I remember calling my dad overseas in (I thought) inexplicable tears when DH was once 10 minutes late home from work. My dad wisely said “Your frustration makes sense. You’ve been at the beck and call of a creature over whom you have no control all by yourself all day. You’ve been relying on an adult to relieve you at a particular time. 10 minutes is no big deal in normal circumstances, but this is your life line we’re talking about. Of course you’re upset!” DH was always on time or early after that and it made a wooooorld of difference.

Try to also help her see the small triumphs. If she texts you that the baby has finally gone to nap, a “Great job! How did you manage it? Wow, you’re really figuring this little person out!” probably wouldn’t go amiss.

[ascari5253]

@crazychemist

Hi there,

How is your wife’s recovery doing generally? Anything that can be done to ease any ongoing problems from the birth?

It’s really tough with a little one when you’re on your own, even just for part of the day until you get used to it and get into the swing of things. Your wife will need you to listen to her concerns and difficulties (and perhaps tears) as much as she needs anything actually “fixed”.

Feeding problems can have a huge adverse affect on sleep. Your baby can’t sleep well if they are waking up because they are hungry! Have you had him checked for tongue tie? That can cause latching problems. If exclusively breastfeeding and still having issues 3 months in, that isn’t typical - I’d strongly suggest trying to see a breastfeeding consultant or advisor. Call the health visiting team and ask if they know anyone in your area and if they can refer (you may be able to see one for free, but otherwise it’s probably worth paying for an assessment to see if it’s something with an easy fix). There may also be a local breastfeeding peer support group that would have plenty of advice/experience.

Sleep regressions are horrific. What attitude do you have towards sleep habits as a family? Personally, I found cosleeping to be a lifesaver and was happy to let sleep take its natural course in terms of development e.g. didn’t mind feedinG to sleep. Other parents take a more rigid stance on what they are prepared to do. Either way (and many between) can work, but it’s really goood if everyone is on the same page. There are lots of books that are full of information on what to expect at different ages and how to encourage good sleep. I’m a fan of the gentle sleep book, but if you’re looking for a “how to” it’s probably not for you.

In my experience, babies that fight sleep are often either going through a developmental phase which means they really want to practice a particular skill to the exclusion of all else. If that’s it, it passes relatively quickly. Or they are getting overtired from having too much awake time. That’s a challenge to fix.... my attitude was to get them into a workable routine first, then reduce how much work I had to do to keep it going. E.g. I didn’t work on them self-settling, I did whatever was needed to get them to sleep (feeding rocking, driving around...) and stuck to it for a week so that they would expect sleep at that time, and become tired. Then start to build in sleep associations e.g. smell of lavender, particular story or sounds, same place each time. It takes a couple of weeks to see much improvement.

Thanks for your reply.

She had surgery but a small tear still exists which they want to wait a year until they look at and see if anything further can be done. Anything that could be done would likely involve invasive surgery which means we would not want it with the baby at 4 months and breastfeeding only. It has been known to heal itself too.

The NHS midwifes checked and said no tongue tie but we were not convinced so went private to a specialist who found a small one but said it was so small it wasn't worth doing anything about and as he grew it would not matter as much.

What is 'cosleeping'?

Last night was a disaster, I tried from 9.30 to 2.30 to get him to sleep, I actually got him to sleep 8 times but he would not stay asleep in the crib. Eventually he slept until 6 on my chest (with me only dozing and ensuring he was safe) and I left for work with him sleeping by my wifes side having fed. She was very upset given tiredness and new COVID lockdown. I dread every night at the moment.

Thanks again for your thoughts, I appreciate it so much

[ascari5253]

@lockdownpregnancy

Have you tried hairdryer noise on you tube? If my DS is fighting his sleep during the day I use this and 90% of the time he's out like a light.
Also if your DS is struggling with feeding have you thought of switching to formula? This way you can share feeding responsibility with your wife and give her a break. You will know exactly how much your DS is having and you should be able to get him into a routine and settle easier if he's got a full tummy.
Stopping g breast feeding should not feel like failure just tried and tested but not successful. Happens to a lot of women. I had to bottle feed as I couldn't get a single drop out of my boobs!
My ds was also born in September. I haven't hit the sleep regression yet but he is a tinker for his day time naps! I use the phrase 'ongoing battle' lightly!
Hope things start to improve for you soon 🤞

Yes we have been trying that and we felt it was largely successful until the last two nights.

I know what you mean about how it feels like failure, I think my wife worries about it. Recently we have tried a bottle when desperate and he has refused it even when really hungry.

Thank you so much for your kind wishes and reply

[ascari5253]

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers

I really feel for both of you. I think you’re right now at the single hardest part of baby-hood. The newness and wonder have worn off, as has the sheer adrenaline kick you get with a newborn. The sleep regression has hit, when you have no sleep reserves to draw on. And it’s the darkest month of winter, in a global pandemic.

I think there might be some benefit to you both in just recognizing and embracing the sheer shittiness of this particular moment, and NOT put pressure on yourselves to thrive. Just surviving is ok sometimes.

What I WILL say is it does get easier. I found with both my kids that around 6 months you get into a swing of things. Baby starts sleeping and eating better, and you feel more competent as a parent.

Until then: give each other grace. Don’t make any big life decisions. Try to plan one nice thing per day and get it in the calendar a week ahead. I mean small, achievable things. Monday, father-in-law will visit from 2-5 and mama will take a nap (Covid rules permitting). Tuesday you’ll order your favourite take-away. Wednesday you’ll go for a walk together after work. Thursday you’ll have a favourite bar of chocolate when the baby goes down for third nap. Friday set up a call with a close friend. Etc. Try to plan and celebrate the really small wins, and you will get through this!

Thanks, it is encouraging to know that things might improve. This on top of my wifes health, the lockdown and my busiest time at work feels insurmountable at the moment.

[QuentinWinters]

My DD was like that about sleep and what worked was putting her on her front. Its against medical advice obviously and increases SIDS risk but at that point I felt the risk of her being accidentally suffocated due to unsafe sleeping (as she had to be lying on someone on a sofa or in bed) was much higher as we were so exhausted.
I used an angel baby sleep monitor and had her right next to me to minimise risk.
It did really help- she started waking only once or twice a night as opposed to every 20 mins.
Second thing your wife could do is look more into breastfeeding. I also had a milk oversupply so it came out very fast and DD couldn't handle it which affected her feeding. Once I knew that I could do things to mitigate it (like block feeding from one side for 3 hours, then the other for three hours). I found the kellymom website helpful kellymom.com/category/bf/ but I had DD a long time ago so there's probably better resources out there now :)

[Megzmoo]

Hi,
It is a really tough time having a new baby in the current situation. Our dd is 7 months and had 6weeks of sleep regression waking every 45 minutes of the night, then all of sudden started sleeping for 6 hour stretches again during the night, as pp have said, it's probably a developmental phase.

We also co-slept with dd in the next to me crib until last week, she is now in her cot in our bedroom. When she was younger we used the sleeping bags which had the option of arms in or out, so it felt like she was being swaddled, she now sleeps in an ordinary sleeping bag. We also bought an Ollie the owl, which has a light and plays music or white noise, it helped for a while, she now just sees it as a toy!

I still nurse dd to sleep for naps and in the evening, let her fall asleep on me and then transfer her to the cot, she loves contact with my husband and I.

Hopefully the sleep regression settles down soon, it feels never ending but all of sudden it stops.

[ascari5253]

@QuentinWinters

My DD was like that about sleep and what worked was putting her on her front. Its against medical advice obviously and increases SIDS risk but at that point I felt the risk of her being accidentally suffocated due to unsafe sleeping (as she had to be lying on someone on a sofa or in bed) was much higher as we were so exhausted.
I used an angel baby sleep monitor and had her right next to me to minimise risk.
It did really help- she started waking only once or twice a night as opposed to every 20 mins.
Second thing your wife could do is look more into breastfeeding. I also had a milk oversupply so it came out very fast and DD couldn't handle it which affected her feeding. Once I knew that I could do things to mitigate it (like block feeding from one side for 3 hours, then the other for three hours). I found the kellymom website helpful kellymom.com/category/bf/ but I had DD a long time ago so there's probably better resources out there now :)

Thank you

[ascari5253]

@Megzmoo

Hi,
It is a really tough time having a new baby in the current situation. Our dd is 7 months and had 6weeks of sleep regression waking every 45 minutes of the night, then all of sudden started sleeping for 6 hour stretches again during the night, as pp have said, it's probably a developmental phase.

We also co-slept with dd in the next to me crib until last week, she is now in her cot in our bedroom. When she was younger we used the sleeping bags which had the option of arms in or out, so it felt like she was being swaddled, she now sleeps in an ordinary sleeping bag. We also bought an Ollie the owl, which has a light and plays music or white noise, it helped for a while, she now just sees it as a toy!

I still nurse dd to sleep for naps and in the evening, let her fall asleep on me and then transfer her to the cot, she loves contact with my husband and I.

Hopefully the sleep regression settles down soon, it feels never ending but all of sudden it stops.

6 weeks sounds awful, how did you cope? We have had this problem only since Christmas really.

What is co-sleeping?

How long do you wait until the cot transfer?

[Megzmoo]

It was hard, my husband was also working 6 days a week and then sundays on our extension, so wasn't able to help that much.
I suffered with migraines 3 in 5 days, so my dm would come over for an hour or two so I could have a nap and sleep the worst of it off.

I just tried to go to bed earlier so my husband could look after dd for a couple of hours so I could sleep, somehow you just cope!

Saying that all babies are different, my friends dd is 3 weeks older then our dd and it only lasted a week or two for them!

We also started weaning at 5 1/2 months as thought she was hungry and that was why she woke so much , just baby porridge to begin with, it seemed to help.

Co-sleeping we used a next to me crib which was joint on to the bed, so it was like she was in bed with us, I could put my hand on her and soothe her easily.

We moved her into the cot just before she turned 7 months and she's trying to crawl and can move around quite well so kept kicking me in the face in her sleep 😂 lol

[MeerkatMonkey]

I don't have specific advice but I just want to add to what others have said... I promise, it does get easier!!

As far as her tear, when you (she) are going through that, life feels hard every day because you are in pain, every day... (you have to wee on your wound every day!) and yet you're expected to look after a baby on top of it... so hearing that it might take a few months to heal might make her feel emotional. Try to support her as best you can... eventually she will heal, and it will all be a long forgotten problem.

Is your wife happy to breastfeed? I found my baby and I were both much happier once we switched to formula - and because she also had problems latching, she started thriving once we switched to bottles and slept better. We used the Dr Browns ones, which were good for colic and reflux (those could also be issues that affect sleep). Things do tend to improve once they go onto solids and get over the colic phase.

Hang in there.... on top of everything else, you guys are going through this during a pandemic without much support!! Forget what everyone says you should do and just do what feels right or works for you and your family xx