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What made you “stop” after one child?

(51 Posts)
Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:21:13

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

OP’s posts: |
MrsL2016 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:25:10

I am not a very good mother it turns out. So I won't subject another child to my rubbish parenting.

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:26:11

MrsL2016

I am not a very good mother it turns out. So I won't subject another child to my rubbish parenting.

Oh my word what makes you say that that you’re not a very good mother? I’m so sorry you feel that way

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Silverjellybean71 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:28:31

I was 41 when my healthy son was born and having had a late miscarriage before him I felt that he was enough

MrsL2016 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:30:26

I am just the type of mother I never wanted to be. I am shouty and impatient and I don't enjoy much about parenting. I love my son to pieces but he deserves better.

ParkheadParadise Sun 27-Dec-20 22:31:01

I had dd1 at 15.
My parents would have gone nuts😂😂.
I was always happy just me and dd. We grew up together.

I waited until I was 38 and found out I was 5 months pregnant with dd2. It was a bigger shock than the first time.

metalkprettyoneday Sun 27-Dec-20 22:31:57

I had my only late ( 38) and found I loved motherhood- just loved the baby stage, and the toddler stage , had a really easy baby compared to most I think . I just felt like life was good and I was so lucky , one child is so easy to do things with compared to having more. I just felt content and didn’t feel like adding another would improve life in any way. Then suddenly I was at an age when it was probably a bit late to try to have more unless I was desperate for another. Years later , my life has good balance. it’s calm at home , which is important to me after chaotic homelife I grew up with.

MeOnSea Sun 27-Dec-20 22:32:34

A combination of a traumatic birth and being an older mum made me realise I couldn’t go through it physically again.

Sally872 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:33:24

@MrsL2016 the fact you realise shouting isn't great and want better for son makes me think you must be a good mum. Be kind to yourself, nobody is perfect.

PatchworkElmer Sun 27-Dec-20 22:33:31

I had an awful HG pregnancy, birth wasn’t as bad as some on here but fairly traumatic (DS had the cord round his neck, I lost a lot of blood, DS ended up in SCBU). My work treated me very badly, open maternity discrimination. This has all had a huge impact on me and I had PTSD. DH doesn’t want another because of the physical risks of HG and blood loss, and has become a bit fixated on the ‘what ifs’ of the situation (what if they hadn’t stopped the bleeding, etc). I don’t think I could do it to myself mentally. But also I feel that I need to do ‘right’ by the child I have- DS needs his Mummy, and would be distressed if I had HG and was bed ridden for months again, unable to play or care for him. I love him so much and I will not risk another pregnancy due to the hurt it could bring into his little world.

Fortunately, we are genuinely happy as a unit of 3. I don’t feel that anything (or anyone) is missing. Which is what lots of friends who have tried for more DC seem to have felt.

Leftrightatthelights Sun 27-Dec-20 22:35:23

I just felt happy with one. I’m not a natural born mother in that I was never sure I wanted them. I had one child and I love them more than anything and am a great mother (if I say so myself!) but don’t want any more. I’m happy

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:35:37

Silverjellybean71

I was 41 when my healthy son was born and having had a late miscarriage before him I felt that he was enough

I’m so sorry for your loss but glad you now have a healthy son.

OP’s posts: |
Megan2018 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:36:06

Age and money.
We had DD at 41 and 46, we can’t afford 2 in nursery at the same time but will be too old after that.
I’m mostly ok with it.

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:36:27

MrsL2016

I am just the type of mother I never wanted to be. I am shouty and impatient and I don't enjoy much about parenting. I love my son to pieces but he deserves better.

Are you accessing help? I only ask because that phrase “he deserves better” is worrying me. Do you have someone you can talk to?

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Apileofballyhoo Sun 27-Dec-20 22:38:33

I would have loved another child and I miss the one I miscarried. The miscarriage was traumatic, financial and home life went to shit, and I never felt the time was right to try again. I don't think I would have managed to look after myself, DS, DH and a baby. Still makes me sad occasionally.

MrsL2016 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:38:38

@Sally872 thank you.

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:38:39

metalkprettyoneday

I had my only late ( 38) and found I loved motherhood- just loved the baby stage, and the toddler stage , had a really easy baby compared to most I think . I just felt like life was good and I was so lucky , one child is so easy to do things with compared to having more. I just felt content and didn’t feel like adding another would improve life in any way. Then suddenly I was at an age when it was probably a bit late to try to have more unless I was desperate for another. Years later , my life has good balance. it’s calm at home , which is important to me after chaotic homelife I grew up with.

That sounds like a wonderful situation. I too loved the first year but since getting ill I don’t think I’d ever be able to repeat that.

OP’s posts: |
sohypnotic Sun 27-Dec-20 22:39:10

I'm sticking with 1 DD, who is also 3. I've had Fibromyalgia for about 6 years, amongst other things, and think I got off lightly overall with TTC, pregnancy and birth despite my illness. I realise I might not get so lucky again, and as it was I developed SPD and couldn't walk, and was signed off work till birth at 14 weeks. It's likely I would develop SPD again, and wouldn't want to not be able to walk whilst looking after DD, it wouldn't be fair. I'm also finally in a job I love, so don't want to take time out. We are happy as we are, I was an only child and had no issues not having siblings, I'm very close to my parents. DH has 2 siblings, but has no strong desire that DD must have a sibling. And finally - sleep!

MrsApplepants Sun 27-Dec-20 22:39:27

Only ever wanted one. Had one. Done and dusted.
My own parents had too many children so I knew I would never have more than one, was an easy decision and the right decision.

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes Sun 27-Dec-20 22:39:30

Infertility - only one wasn't a choice for me.

Manteo Sun 27-Dec-20 22:40:30

I hayed the baby and toddler bit. I cannot believe people are willing to go through the pain of giving birth again. The sleep deprivation made me feel like I was losing my mind a bit.

She's 6 now and it's great.

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:41:18

PatchworkElmer

I had an awful HG pregnancy, birth wasn’t as bad as some on here but fairly traumatic (DS had the cord round his neck, I lost a lot of blood, DS ended up in SCBU). My work treated me very badly, open maternity discrimination. This has all had a huge impact on me and I had PTSD. DH doesn’t want another because of the physical risks of HG and blood loss, and has become a bit fixated on the ‘what ifs’ of the situation (what if they hadn’t stopped the bleeding, etc). I don’t think I could do it to myself mentally. But also I feel that I need to do ‘right’ by the child I have- DS needs his Mummy, and would be distressed if I had HG and was bed ridden for months again, unable to play or care for him. I love him so much and I will not risk another pregnancy due to the hurt it could bring into his little world.

Fortunately, we are genuinely happy as a unit of 3. I don’t feel that anything (or anyone) is missing. Which is what lots of friends who have tried for more DC seem to have felt.

Oh my word I’m so sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy. I can understand your DH being worried about that happening -again. That’s our situation too, worrying that I could get ill again and unfortunately with the chronic illnesses I already have, I’m regularly in hospital with acute symptoms that I feel for DD who must be worried by it all. I would hate to end up worse health wise because of another pregnancy that makes the health of my DH and DD worse too

OP’s posts: |
Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:41:53

Apileofballyhoo

I would have loved another child and I miss the one I miscarried. The miscarriage was traumatic, financial and home life went to shit, and I never felt the time was right to try again. I don't think I would have managed to look after myself, DS, DH and a baby. Still makes me sad occasionally.

I’m so sorry for your loss flowers

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StormcloakNord Sun 27-Dec-20 22:43:43

Same as @MrsL2016

I'm a terrible parent. I put on a happy face and do all the stuff you're supposed to do but I hate almost every second of it. I enjoy talking to her now she's 6 and enjoy listening to her little quips but I hate every other aspect of it. I hate the responsibility, I hate the planning, I hate the worrying, I hate having to slap on a smile and play with various toys when all I want to do is sit and spent some time by myself etc.

I just really really don't like being a parent.

Toastandtea1 Sun 27-Dec-20 22:43:47

sohypnotic

I'm sticking with 1 DD, who is also 3. I've had Fibromyalgia for about 6 years, amongst other things, and think I got off lightly overall with TTC, pregnancy and birth despite my illness. I realise I might not get so lucky again, and as it was I developed SPD and couldn't walk, and was signed off work till birth at 14 weeks. It's likely I would develop SPD again, and wouldn't want to not be able to walk whilst looking after DD, it wouldn't be fair. I'm also finally in a job I love, so don't want to take time out. We are happy as we are, I was an only child and had no issues not having siblings, I'm very close to my parents. DH has 2 siblings, but has no strong desire that DD must have a sibling. And finally - sleep!

I’m so sorry you had a difficult pregnancy and sorry about your fibromyalgia too. I’ve got ME CFS with possible fibro so I feel your pain. I’m so glad you’ve made that strong decision and it seems you’re really happy with it?

OP’s posts: |

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