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My family is falling apart and I need help

(3 Posts)
Greyclouds10 Thu 17-Dec-20 22:08:23

I know it has been a tough year for everyone but this year has been the worst we've had. I feel like my family is falling apart at the seems and I don't know what to do. So a few months ago my eldest daughter (15) told us she thought she was transgender. This took us completely by surprise. She has never been a girlie girl but she has also never given any hints she may identify as a boy. She is so lacking in self confidence and so insular, I don't know what to do. Then last month we had the police turn up on our doorstep again about my eldest. They were questioning a boy who was her ex boyfriend. They had found rude photos on his phone and wanted to know if she had willingly sent them etc. (She wasnt in trouble with police more a witness it turns out). But it means she had sent nude pictures at 14 years old. Then two weeks ago I got a distraught phone call from my mother in law as school had rung her as they couldn't get hold of me and my husband (we were at work) because my middle daughter (12) had self harmed. Speaking to her it was over what I would call nothing but obviously stuff had built up to her and she found she had no other outlet as we were in lockdown. She says it was one time and she realised how dangerous it was and that's why she spoke to a teacher. Now tonight my husband opened a bank statement to find around £200 going out to google play, we thought it was fraud as we only have our two accounts and kids use our accounts and we do not store payment details on them. I dont know why but I had an uneasy feeling so asked to check their devices. Again it was my eldest. I couldn't understand how it had worked as no card was attached. It turns out she had heard us talking and deleted it. She had taken my husbands card in sept, set up an account and put the card on it. She has spent nearly £200 with prices ranging from a couple of quid to £20+. It has become a very regular occurance with some days it her buying things up to 7 times in the day. Not only am I shocked she would do this, but she has stolen, the card and the money afterwards. But also I am worried she getting or it addicted. She will be paying this back. She has just sat her mocks and school said they were concerned she was struggling with pressure (they only said this last week) but we knew she was finding it tough going. I just do not know what to do, I am just such a failure at parenthood. I have let them down so much. What do I do?

OP’s posts: |
Cash02 Fri 18-Dec-20 18:00:20

To me it sounds like your children are in a lot of distress, there might be a common denominator.
If your child thinks they may be transgender you need to take them to CAHMS, if they identity as a boy you should address them as such, whether it’s a phase or not. Because if it isn’t you’re causing that child a lot of emotional distress.
Regarding the nude photos, it’s upsetting to hear that your child is doing that, I’m 18 and I was doing that at her age, a lot of young people do, it’s not unusual or shocking, you need to make sure she is okay and wasn’t pressured to do that.
If a child is actively self harming I wouldn’t say it’s over nothing, as a previous self harmer that kind of statement doesn’t help, they again, need CAHMS and a lot of help.
Quite frankly I don’t like your attitude towards your children’s mental health, they are entitled to feel stressed and distraught just as any adult, your children need help, please get them it before they hurt themselves again.

unreliableursula Fri 18-Dec-20 22:32:20

Oh OP, I'm sorry that does sound hugely stressful. I'm useless for I'm advice I'm afraid (mine is still a baby so I have all this to come I'm sure) but I wanted to bump for you. NB I don't see anything in your post suggesting that you have anything but a hugely caring attitude regarding your children's mental health. Good luck!

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