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I hate being a mum

(34 Posts)
Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 20:23:12

Hi all
Cant believe I'm posting this.
I'm a mum to a 14 week old DC. Have nice supportive dh. We both have loving families and good jobs despite covid.
I really really love children and have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember.
I acknowledge that mums go through baby blues, and have a hard time the first few weeks of a baby's life. However, I feel like the struggle isn't getting any better.
My DC was horrible for the first six weeks (understandable), after a difficult birth , crying at all hours every day, always having a tummy ache, never happy. He got slightly better for a while and at ten weeks just became a pain again. Combined with lockdown cancelling all my doctors appointments and everything being closed over and over again, I'm wondering what the f have I done. Why did I become a mum. I am not cut out for this.
He gets better for a short enough time to think yes, I can do this, I like being a mum. But he smiles so rarely and is just not a contented little baby, and has such an irritating whine and despite feeding him all I can and trying to give him naps whenever I can, he just loves to whine and whine and whine. He has laughed once. He smiles rarely. He hates tummy time, his little chair, car rides, no longer likes the sling. He likes the buggy but still wines in that. He only seems happy in front of the TV but I don't want to put him in front of it all day.
I've been to the gp and had a couple of appointments and they've told me what I am feeling is completely normal, thank god it is. And that babies do cry. But I am really resenting my life. I love other people's kids, and children in general, but I hate being a mother.
Can anyone reassure me this will get better? I have a night away right now and wish I didn't have to go home in the morning...
Thank you for reading xxxx

OP’s posts: |
OverTheRainbow88 Tue 15-Dec-20 20:27:18

The first few months are super tough, especially during a pandemic.
I would advise trying to get out the house as much as possible, you’re allowed to form a support bubble as you’ve got an under 1 so have you done that?

wingingit987 Tue 15-Dec-20 20:29:50

Please go and speak to someone how you are feeling.
I felt like this quite a lot while my lo was in his first year. I was eventually diagnosed with post natal depression when he was 10 months old and looking back I wish I spoke to someone earlier it would make the first year so much easier.

If you think there's something wrong with yourself or the baby push with the GP or health visitor.

Do you have many mum friends with babies the same age? Xx

Nicecupofcoco Tue 15-Dec-20 20:34:33

Yes it gets better! But my god I remember that feeling you described. It's hard! Your tired, and exhausted and babies so little don't give much back... I have two now, a toddler and a six month old! There's still days now (though not every day,thank god) where after a hard day I think, god I'm not cut out for this!! Today was one of those days! grin but give it alittle longer, and he will start developing his little personality, he will laugh and smiles and those moments will get you through the hard times!
It's such a huge thing becoming a mum, it's hard work! It's still early days for you, just give it time.
Is baby struggling with wind or anything? Just wondering if there's anything upsetting him. Times are hard right now, it will get better!!

JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 20:42:25

Does your DH know how you're feeling? It might be worth talking to them. If you can, get an appointment with the GP and take DH along with you. It's a sad fact that GPS are much more likely to take notice if Dad turns up too. At the very least I think they should offer you Counselling for the difficult birth. You might also want to contact Birth Trauma Association UK.

It sounds as though DS may have something that's bothering him. It could be Tongue Tie, Colic or Cow's Milk Protein Allergy. It definitely worth trying to eliminate each one.

I really hope you find the support you need thanks

JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 20:46:40

The PANDAS Helpline is open until 10 pm tonight. I'd see if you can call them and talk all of this through. It's staffed my Mums who've gone through exactly what you're experiencing thanks

Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 21:16:13

Thank you. I have my family as support bubble but they all live 1hour away and he hates the car so he whines the whole drive... I do Skype them when he can't face the drive but it isn't the same xx

OP’s posts: |
Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 21:17:37

I do have mum friends... But they all say "oh it's so hard but it gets better!" but I just can't see it getting better at all.
I have his jabs booked after Xmas so I will see gp then. Thank you for your comment x

OP’s posts: |
PlantDoctor Tue 15-Dec-20 21:19:09

I felt so low for much of DD's early months. She's now 1 and honestly feel back to my old self again and love being a parent! I'd say it got a bit better after 3 months and much better after 6 months. One thing that made all the difference to me was support. If you're in England, you can now form a support bubble with another household if you have a child under 1, so I'd definitely recommend that if you haven't done so/feel comfortable.

It gets so much more interesting and enjoyable from basically the point you are at now, so hold on! Keep talking to people about how you're feeling, and don't feel bad about asking for as much help as you need. flowers

Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 21:20:21

I'm not sure what it is that bothers him. He was always whiny between 4and 7 and that sort of went by ten weeks, and the gp said it was colic so we just took him for long walks. But it's come back and I'm not sure if it's colic, teething, tummy aches or wind. GP says he's healthy and maybe he just likes moaning, I'm nott sure.

OP’s posts: |
Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 21:21:02

Thank you for your comment

OP’s posts: |
PlantDoctor Tue 15-Dec-20 21:21:59

Sorry, cross posted with you! In response to your last comment, I'd say it gets better as they get older because they can do more and interact more. Your DS will soon be much more engaged with toys, and the comes the fun of weaning! He's also going through a developmental leap as his age which will make him more tired and grumpy, but once that's out the way it will improve some more.

Can your family come to you rather than you going to them?

museumum Tue 15-Dec-20 21:22:41

It’s ok to not enjoy this stage, especially with a discontent baby. He will likely change personality entirely once he can sit / stand / walk. And everything changes when they start weaning too.
I know six weeks seems like a long time right now but by the end of January it’ll be a very different child you’ll be caring for, and before you know it he’ll be running about, laughing and then speaking.
Honestly, it’s fine to just get through this bit. You’re not a bad mum if you don’t love it.

Babiesandboardgames Tue 15-Dec-20 21:23:03

Thank you for your comment.
The gp did say it might be colic, and it was better for a while. It wasn't cows protein allergy because I cut out dairy and Caffeine when I breastfed him, and it didn't help. The gp said it wasn't tongue tie either.
Do you have any other ideas? We thought it might be teething but he doesn't have any symptoms of it(apart from crying) but any other suggestions would be welcome xxz

OP’s posts: |
JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 21:28:00

But it's come back and I'm not sure if it's colic, teething, tummy aches or wind.

If it's a tooth, can you get a clean finger in there and see if you can feel a tooth? Have you tried giving him a dose of paracetamol to see if that improves his mood? If it does, you know there's something bothering him.

For wind, have a look on YouTube for the Tiger in the Tree Hold, that usually works a treat.

And there are some tips for coping with Colic here.

The links I put on earlier should cover the tummy ache thanks

FourPlatinumRings Tue 15-Dec-20 21:29:28

I find it helps to remember that they're not crying to be annoying. They're crying for a reason, even if we can't work out what it is and it's frustrating when all you want is to solve the issue for them. Because it's upsetting when they're upset.

I had an unsettled baby. Looking back:

-She was massively overtired. We kept trying to get her to sleep in the light and noise during the day, as recommended by health visitors. This did not work for her, but we didn't know that was the problem. One day, at about four months old, my DH put her under a blanket she was screeching in a cafe. And she slept. From then on, we always put her down in the dark and quiet (even though it meant me sitting on a dark room for all her sleeps until she was six months old) and she was a different baby.
- I had an oversupply and breastfed. This meant that she has constant severe wind and an unsettled stomach, causing her pretty constant stomach pain before she got big enough to cope with it. We did not know this at the time.

Those are the biggies for us. We looked out for them with our second born- I feed him using a variety of techniques to lessen the impact of oversupply- and he is such an easy baby by comparison. That's not to say that these are the issues for your baby, but there will be something. I know it's frustrating not to be able to find out- perhaps you'll never know, and he'll outgrow it before you figure it out- but as long as you're there for him, responding to his cries, he'll be just fine.

Be kind to yourself.

JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 21:29:35

The gp did say it might be colic, and it was better for a while. It wasn't cows protein allergy because I cut out dairy and Caffeine when I breastfed him, and it didn't help. can I just ask how long you cut them out fir and did you cut out dairy completely? Milk is in bloody everything confused

JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 21:32:00

The gp said it wasn't tongue tie either.

Unfortunately a GP is very unlikely to be able to diagnose TT, unless you have one of the exceptional ones.

If you've read the link on tongue tie and some of the symptoms sound familiar, it really is worth getting it assessed properly thanks

HarryHarryHarry Tue 15-Dec-20 21:33:07

My second baby was like yours - either whingeing and crying or just completely blank - and I found it very hard to connect with her and just sort of went through the motions of caring for her without really feeling anything for her for a LONG time. But she’s 1 now and her little personality is coming out and she’s an absolute treasure.

It’s tough but I think the way to get through the early weeks and months is to change the way you think about it. You have a little person who doesn’t have anybody else in the world to look after him except you. Get yourself fully into the mindset of being a parent and then try to be the kind you would want for yourself if you were him. Challenge yourself to do the best you can for him, and then even better the next day, and the next day. As he gets older, you’ll start seeing the results of all your input. It’s harder when you’re still thinking about your old life and your old self and mourning their loss!

Also if you do think it might be a PND thing, go to the doctor! I denied I had PND for a long time because I thought I was just having a perfectly normal human reaction to a crappy situation - and I still kind of do (I mean, who can honestly say they like screaming babies and shitty nappies and no sleep for days on end?!) but I think it was also more than that. So it might be worth getting yourself checked out just in case.

JingleJohnsJulie Tue 15-Dec-20 21:33:29

And if he's FF have you tried changing the formula to another brand?

Koolandorthegang Tue 15-Dec-20 21:36:52

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. My DD is now seven months but she was a very unsettled, unhappy baby until she was about four and a half months. There was a time when she was crying and screaming or asleep, never anything else. The GP and health nurse suggested it was colic, then silent reflux. I brought her to an osteopath, tried several colic drop brands, gavisgon etc. My neighbours were commenting on how much she was crying and telling me to bring her to the doctors (I did, many times hmm). Nothing helped except time. She turned a corner around 4.5 months and now she’s great. Still has her moments but so much better. Please believe it will get better, it really does. Hang in there, you sound like you’re doing everything you can, try not to be so hard on yourself flowers

happytoday73 Tue 15-Dec-20 21:41:52

Lots of good advice on here.
Just popping in to say I found being a mum to a young baby terribly hard. The life adjustment and sheer monotonous days were horrible. My baby was restless, slept little (despite my mums intervention... Still up v early a decade later) and never managed a full baby massage class for example. I hated it despite the fact I was ok financially, supportive DH and family and didn't really feel I was in a position where could complain.
I felt like a terrible mother.
Covid undoubtedly would have made it even worse for me.
Can't add much to the suggestions above but just wanted you to know it's not uncommon. I enjoyed being back at work after 6 months. Also I loved the toddler stage and beyond... And that's a much longer time

Vivarium Tue 15-Dec-20 21:44:16

My DS was like this. It was a nightmare. He woke every couple of hours during the night for well over a year as well. In retrospect I think he had silent reflux, but he was also just naturally irritable.

Some babies really are much, much harder than others. My friends had easier babies and I don't think they really understood.

As DS got older, he became generally happier and I finally got some enjoyment out of being a mum.

Later I had my DD and she was SO much easier and happier as a baby!! Like a different species! So it wasn't just me...

OnlyFoolsnMothers Tue 15-Dec-20 21:46:31

Push for a referral to see a paediatric dr OP- gps fob new mothers off that “this is what babies do”, this is why recently I’ve been suffering through silent reflux with my newborn. After pushing and pushing I finally had the diagnosis and have started on gaviscon which is helping!
Babies cry yes but a continual whining cry is an indication something could be upsetting their system

SlB09 Tue 15-Dec-20 21:49:29

Same OP, I did have PND and it was the 'dont want to go back home' feeling that did it fore and I rang my HV, blurted it all out and the same day I was referred for counselling. It really did make a difference. I didn't magically like being a parent or feel massively more connected but I could cope with the day to day stuff in a way that didn't make my heart sink.
I reber asking my mun'is it worth it's whilst crying my eyes out! My LO is now 3 and love him to absolute bits, I still have days where I think 'bloody he'll this is hard, I'm not good at this, this is too much/intense/testing my patience, I just want to not be crawled all over but these are days now and then and not a constant feeling.
My LO has tongue tie, colic, severe reflux, cows milk allergy and soya allergy - I so get the constant crying and whining!! Genuinely think we had PTSD from those early days. Be kind to yourself but know that it will get better, in the meantime if it doesn't get better with sleep/a break etc then please speak to your HV as you do not need to feel like you do xx

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