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Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

(193 Posts)
Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:40:39

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 07:44:06

It doesn't sound like you've let her hold lo etc so she's allowed round to sit on a chair and just look at lo then she sees videos you've posted of you with your family and everyone picking her up and being involved. So on that basis, fair or not, I understand why she's upset.

Never really understood the 121 time, I suspect it's just that if you allow her to hold baby and you're there you're still hovering to take lo back so she can't really relax and just have a cuddle

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:45:23

She also says that I dont trust her but I trust my family when I leave the room when they have lo. I do, I trust my family more as they raised me and I've known them my entire life. I'm not saying I wouldnt leave lo with her, I've just never felt the need too. I'm also not ready to hand her off and be taken to another house where I cant run if she cries.

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 07:47:36

Do you think she did a bad job raising your DP?

I gwt not letting her take the baby away, bit of baby cries why can't she settle her? I'm assuming you wouldn't take her from your family if she cried?

It sounds like you don't like her much, don't trust her and think she did a bad job raising your partner

SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 07:48:56

So atm if it's just you and her and baby and you needed the loo, do you take baby with you? If you put kettle on do you make sure baby is with you?

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:49:12

No one has held her.. its lockdown. My family havnt even seen her but she has seen her 3 to 5 times a week, even if thays been from a distance that's more mine have had. OUT of lockdown I go round and she plays with her, holds her, has a toy box lo plays with. I just mind my own business on my phone and leave them to it. You assumed I dont let her do anything? I just havnt left baby with her alone

OP’s posts: |
FelicityPike Sat 05-Dec-20 07:49:52

Wait...you go and visit your family and they get to hold and play with your child BUT MIL who lives 2 minutes from you has NEVER held him?
That’s so very unfair and actually heartbreaking not to mention completely rubbing her face in it.
What does your OH think?

Alexandernevermind Sat 05-Dec-20 07:50:13

mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family. that's really sad, it sounds as though she has to look but can't touch, but has to watch your family cuddle lo.

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:50:30

Yes I've walked out the room and left lo to the toilet, get a drink, food etc. Its more about completely leaving baby with her at her home

OP’s posts: |
FelicityPike Sat 05-Dec-20 07:50:45

Ok cross posted.

LAlady Sat 05-Dec-20 07:51:20

From your original message I am not surprised your MIL feels the way she does.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 07:52:36

You put about your family bathing her and changing nappies and She also says that I dont trust her but I trust my family when I leave the room when they have lo. I do, I trust my family more as they raised me and I've known them my entire life which makes it sound like you'd go to the lo and leave your Mom being the baby but you don't trust her to do the same

So you visit them for a few days at a time but they're not allowed to touch her?

Sorry but it's confusing between her conjecture and reality

FippertyGibbett Sat 05-Dec-20 07:52:46

My PIL only ever visited occasionally and held the baby until it needed feeding/played for a short time.
They never had 1:1 time and I would never have allowed it as I wouldn’t have trusted them with a goldfish.

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:53:49

Its lowdown people,!!!!! I wanted to see my family the moment lockdown was lifted as I havnt seen them for a month. As my family are high risk, if I see mil I'll have to wait longer to see my family. My family havnt even been in the same room for the entire lockdown, mil can atleast see her? How is that unfair???? I see her every weekend, she knew I was comeing down this weekend after lockdown lifted to see baby. My family was just first, I think that normal and theres nothing selfish about it.

OP’s posts: |
Plsv87 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:56:33

The more love and close bonds your child has, the better. The more support you and your partner get, the better. Maybe you don't need more support right now but you don't know what the future holds. My advice is to try to relax and let your MIL develop the relationship she wants with your child. Both my children's sets of grandparents are close to them and I feel so lucky. I know people who don't have a close relationship with either side, or can only rely on one person, that must be so hard.

AnnaBegins Sat 05-Dec-20 07:57:20

Those are things a parent does, not a grandparent. It sounds like she gets to do grandparent things like play with baby. It is totally normal at 9 months to not leave your baby with someone for any length of time. Maybe you will want to when baby is older and maybe not, still fine and your decision as parents.

NewLockdownNewMe Sat 05-Dec-20 07:58:34

Where’s your partner in all this? Can’t he see his mum with the baby?

Your posts are really confusing to be honest - I’m not clear whether or not your family are allowed to hold the baby, and whether or not she is. Whilst you don’t have to leave baby with her and go out if you don’t want to, it would be fair to facilitate her relationship with your child to more or less the same level as you facilitate your family’s relationship with your child.

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:59:06

Your all misunderstanding me, mil actually sees baby more????? My family live an hour and a half away, my mil is down the street so even with lockdown and 0 contact she has been able to talk and play with her whilst my family hasnt even see her face. I see mil every weekend, times through the week. I see my family for 2 days every 2 to 3 weeks. When I stay over we are in a closer situation where they are just help with nappy changes, bathes etc. Mil time with baby is more me going to them, playing with her and all etc but haveing no part in the caring side. She wants one to one time to do this but I just dont want to leave my baby yet, i also see her a lot already that the though of haveing her hoovering around the house with me and the baby is a stressful thought.

OP’s posts: |
Wwydiywm Sat 05-Dec-20 08:00:23

When I have seen parents become grandparents, including my own parents and pils, I have seen without exception them given a new lease of life.
Looking after their grandchildren gives them joy and makes them feel young again, and I think importantly makes them feel of value again.
It is often such a beautiful relationship as well. My children adore their grandparents.
I think it sounds like your MIL sees her friends experiencing that and feels like shes missing out, which she is.
It sounds like she is a kind woman who doesn't want to interfere or make you feel bad so I imagine the strength of her dismay on this is actually stronger than she has let you know.
You say you don't see the need for 121, but what about her needs? Well maybe not needs but desire.
I love my children with all my heart and they are very definitely my children but I'm pretty sure that their grandparents have the same amount of love for my children that I do.
I would really encourage you to let your MIL do some babysitting. She will obviously get so much joy from it and I think you will learn the joy of seeing your child having a beautiful bond with another family member.
I think in time you will also come to see the value of a willing and expert babysitter on hand! It's such a lifeline to just leave LOs playing with nan for an hour/morning/day sometimes to do life admin, work or just have a bit of a break, knowing your LOs are happy because they're with nan.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 08:01:33

Your post is just confusing.

You go down to see your family a few days at a time and they help care for her I'd baths etc but then you say no one has held her.

Then you say you take her round and she plays with her and you take her round but you don't want her I'm your house.

Yes of course you want to see your family but you Def sound, unintentional or not, as though you don't like her and don't think she's safe to watch baby even for a short time

How does your DP feel? If you're breastfeeding it's hard to be away from her for long anyway but why can't dp take her to good mom's occasionally?

Seeing her is obv contingent with lockdown rules but if she's single is she bubbled with you?

Alexandernevermind Sat 05-Dec-20 08:01:49

This is confusing, it sounds like you staying for a few days with your family occasionally, where they get hold and interact with lo, whereas MIL is allowed to see her more regularly but from a distance?
I know about lockdown, but why does it apply to one family but not the other? If you are bubbling with MIL then she would be okay to cuddle the baby. All you need to do is say "don't come around for a few days MIL, as I'm seeing my family in 10 days and need to isolate beforehand"

Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 08:01:53

I dont understand why the amount of time she has with the baby isnt enough. Is it just an automatic thing where nans have to have parts in the caring side? I'm just trying to understand because I feel slightly pressured but I'm trying to understand her side too

OP’s posts: |
Sophie1029734 Sat 05-Dec-20 08:04:17

When lockdown is out of the picture, she holds her whenever she sees her which Is a hell of a lot more than my family. Just like my family held her, mil will be today and tonnorow. My family only saw her first because I wanted to see them and didnt want to transfer anything from house to house. Her issue is not haveing one on one time to do the careing aspect

OP’s posts: |
WaltzingBetty Sat 05-Dec-20 08:04:27

Why can't your DP take the baby to his mothers for her to bath/spend time?then you aren't exposing yourself directly ?

You seem to imply your MIL was a bad mother to your DP as you trust you parents as they raised you - why don't you give MIL the same credit?

BigFatLiar Sat 05-Dec-20 08:04:48

That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt.

Yet in the past 9 months MiL hasn't been allowed to be involved? I can see this being hurtful to her and your OH must think you have no respect or feeling for his parents. Would you accept him telling you your parents weren't allowed to get involved with the lo?

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