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Affects of divorce please help

(17 Posts)
Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 06:46:11

My husband and I are in the middle of divorcing.
He has met someone else and left and sees his DC once a month for the weekend.
It is a very long drive along the motorway and the trouble I have is everytime my DC and I go in the car, DC relates the car to going to see daddy. Refuses to get out of the car when we are home, yesterday screamed and hit me for over 2 hours. I put DC in her bedroom as I couldn't take her screaming and hitting me anymore. Once she had calmed down it was like a passing storm. She isn't having naps anymore but does get tired, but refuses to go for a nap. I have to drive her in the car, she falls asleep and then refuses to get out of the car. Is this a combination of missing her dad, tired? Please can someone help me and give me some ideas.

OP’s posts: |
MrsPatrickDempsey Sat 28-Nov-20 06:54:50

How old is your DC?

Howmanysleepsnow Sat 28-Nov-20 07:07:49

I’d stop driving to get her to nap. She doesn’t see the car as being for sleep, so when she wakes drowsy and confused she assumes you’re going somewhere/ have been somewhere and she’s missed it. Maybe it’s time to swap the nap for a bit of quiet downtime/ snuggle time and an earlier bedtime.
Do you use the car much otherwise? I’d maybe drive somewhere fun (park, shop for a treat) and close enough to home she doesn’t fall asleep on a semi regular basis for a while. Let her know before hand that you are driving to the park, playing on the swings, then driving home. Reset her expectations!

FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 07:11:40

Are you driving her there and back to her dad’s ?

Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 07:26:15

@MrsPatrickDempsey She is 3.
@Howmanysleepsnow This may work. I will definitely give it a go from today. We use the car for shopping or the park. Sometimes she falls asleep in the car driving back from these places and they are fairly close to home. I don't want to wake her so I end up sitting in the car until she wakes up. Then she refuses to get out.

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Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 07:27:09

@FippertyGibbett I drive her halfway which is a two hour drive on the motorway

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FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 07:42:45

If mine fell asleep in the car and we arrived home I wouldn’t wait until they woke up, I’d carry them into the house and lie them on the couch. If they chose to continue to sleep that was fine. I wanted to get on with what I wanted to do.
Do you find that you are doing what suits her, rather than what you want to do ? If so, you need to take control back as imagine what she will be like when she’s a teenager !

Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 08:02:38

@FippertyGibbett This is very true I do find this with her. She is refusing to use her potty when she was doing so well. I use to carry her indoors and either put her in her bed or on the sofa but she would wake up and the whole process would start. I will give it another go though. I will try anything

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FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 08:06:26

What is dad finding ? Is she using her potty there, or is not bothering ?
You both need to be doing the same so as not to confuse her.
It must be very upsetting for her.
Does she go to nursery ? If so, what do they say about her behaviour following the change ?
You can always ask you Health Visitor for advice/help.

Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 08:42:09

He doesn't tell me anything when I collect her. I give him the potty and the reward stickers but he doesn't tell me. He wouldn't tell me the truth anyway.
She doesn't go to nursery anymore as I can't afford it and ex only pays her child maintenance every month.
She is screaming and hitting me again this morning as I wanted her to use the potty. She is now in her room as I can't cope with the hitting me.

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Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 08:42:41

I really don't know what to do anymore

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FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 08:50:13

Do you have any family close by ?
When does she start school ?
Can I ask why he chose to move so far away ?

FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 08:51:24

Have you thought about getting a job and what sort of job you’d get ?
Are you due any free nursery hours ?

Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 09:16:16

His girlfriend lives that far away.
No family nearby.
She has been accepted in the local primary school for her 2 hours a day for free but she has to be toilet trained otherwise they defer her start date.

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Magicpaint Sat 28-Nov-20 09:18:39

If I get a job it has to be one that covers my 25% nursery fees a month, a mortgage, all the bills and solicitors fees as I won't be entitled to legal aid. So two people's wages.

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FippertyGibbett Sat 28-Nov-20 09:19:04

Contact your HV and tell her the situation, ask for some help from the nursery nurses within the team.

Isadora2007 Sat 28-Nov-20 09:30:41

Poor little soul. And poor you too. Neither of you asked for this life and it sounds like you’re struggling to have space to manage your own issues and feelings about it all and are therefore also struggling with hers.
Is she benefitting from a whole weekend once a month? Are you? It’s a huge upheaval for you caused by his moving to a girlfriend so I’m not sure I’d be spending four hours of my time to facilitate it unless you need the break? More regained contact for less time would be better for a child her age so I’d offer local contact weekly that HE comes for and she remains at home.
Stop the potty stuff for now. Let her be in charge of that. Explain to her that you will keep her in nappy pants for now and if she’d like to use the potty or toilet that is great but that it’s okay to pee in her nappy too. Don’t make any fuss negative or positive about either. Be neutral and let it all reset for now. She may genuinely be regressing due to the split in which case she NEEDS a nappy. Or she may just be trying to control things as so much has happened that she didn’t control and can’t. Either way she needs the power struggles with you to stop. So talk to her and then let her guide you until way after Xmas as she won’t get into nursery til after that anyway. You will find when SHE is ready she will become toilet trained within the week at that age. But for now dial it back and be completely neutral about it or you risk having toilet issues for a LONG time.
The nap situation- similar. She is of an age that she may well not need a nap. Don’t force it but do start a resting time when you sit down to watch something WITH her. You need chill time too and you need to reconnect with her. Right now you are isolating her when her emotions are too big for her and sorry but that not fair. She needs you to handle her big emotions with her and alongside her. If she hits then firmly hold her and cuddle her into you and say “I won’t let you hurt me” but don’t get angry... be the calm in her storms and her rock.
But you need support too- friends? Family? Who have you got to offload to?
Sorry for my epic post and I hope some of it can help @Magicpaint... it’s bloody tough being a single mum but when you have shitty exes it’s so much tougher. cakebrew

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