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Possible alienation of DD8(11 Posts)
My ex and I have been divorced for over 5 years, we have 2 daughters 8 and 18 and the custody is 50/50.
We both had moved on in our private lives and our partners play a positive role in children's lives. Well , mostly DD2 life, she doesn't remember mummy and daddy living together, so so far has been just going with the flow happy and relaxed.
Completely different situation with my DD1 who was a teenager when we separated and she stayed with her father due to him living near her school. Our relationship was going smoothly until she started asking me about very private experiences that her father and I shared. Turns out he was oversharing with his sister my daughter overheard. I told her that it was not something for her to know,and that she would understand when she grows up.
I addressed it with my ex,but he said that he was free to tell his sister anything and if DD1 heard it then it is what it is.
Since then she went NC with me for 2 years, at no point my ex tried to help me to talk to her to try and build a relationship. Thankfully eventually she got back in touch, and we now have a lovely relationship.
Recently my DD8 started to almost regressing when she is home: huge tantrums when I ask her to do her usual routine, teeth/hair brushing. Rude,not saying her pleases and thank yous. So many small things: became super fussy eater, refuses to wear a choice of clothing that she picked earlier herself. I feel that anything I ask of her is annoying to her. When we have a cuddle she is so sweet and keeps telling me how much she loves me,but little second I ask her to do something she screams at me with such a hatred. I'm so lost.
Maybe I have a ptsd from how it went with DD1, but i know that my ex is not going to help me but only be happy if anything to go wrong . I also know (from DD1) that when my DD2 is with her dad it is his partner that mostly looks after her and that she is not encouraged to do anything and usually just gets what she wants.
I'm really scared that she will start resenting me for trying to parent her,as I just want what is best for her.
Has anyone ever have been in a similar situation?
First of all, your ex wasn't "oversharing" - he's allowed to confide in his sister FFS! What was it your elder daughter overheard, is it possible she's told her sister?
If i were you, i would be addressing your 8yr old's behaviour as a separate issue to your ex, entirely. What discipline is in place? How is she at school?
Urgh the whole situation sounds completely inappropriate, and irrelevant to the bigger picture
She is very good at school, loads of friends, confident, not the top of her class but getting on just fine. By oversharing I meant he was talking about our sex life, and his general attitude towards me telling that a 14 year old was not adult enough to understand certain things and that its not ok to just ignore that she had been affected by hearing that. I don't think that she would share anything ,their relationship is very caring.
You mentioned discipline: that's my dilemma, I do have discipline and until about 3 months ago it worked just fine, not perfect of course, but she knows that if she is rude/playing up - there's going to be treats removed from her etc.
What happened 3 months ago, when her behaviour changed?
The proper 50/50 custody arrangement resumed. During the lockdown she didn't have much time at her dad's (he is a delivery driver ).
It’s really hard to reply to your op without knowing the full context. Why would your elder daughter go no contact for so long...did was she over heat make her angry/upset with you? Is it possible the younger daughter knows this now too?
I realise you might not want to share specifics but without that information it’s hard to gauge the situation.
Honestly though I would focus on connecting with your young daughter too. Alongside the discipline. Make sure you get plenty of one on one time and are doing nice things together.
Has she said anything about what’s making her feel bad?
3 months ago as in September? Did she start back at school after a while off due to Covid too?
My older daughter was very upset with me, because she heard her dad telling his sister about how we lead our life and that he was only doing it to please me and then I left him anyway (I didn't leave him because of that,entirely different reason). She loves her father and I could see why it was easier to blame me for the break up.
My problem now is that my child's attitude and behaviour at home has been declining, with no change in our household, in fact we are all getting just fine. I sincerely feel that we all just annoying her, that's the best I can describe. The reason I mentioned that my ex was no help first time I asked him to get involved is exactly why I am so concerned.
In this situation I think discipline is the last thing your dd needs. I think she’s probably been told you don’t love / care about her (or something similar) by her dad and / or your elder daughter so you need to demonstrate it. Lots of cuddles, nothing wrong in more 1-2-1 time - deal with poor behaviour immediately but in a calm but firm way with questions as to why she’s doing it.
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