NC. Not really asking for advice as there is no way out but need to offload to an anonymous forum. I know everyone is struggling at the moment and I have a good job, happy kids and secure home with a garden so absolutely should not moan, but.
I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, I’ve stayed optimistic, tried hard to be ok but I’m not. I work full time in a stressful job which I do love but it used to be travel, meeting people, going abroad. Now it’s all zoom, they start before 9 and finish bang on 5.30 frequently with no gaps for even a wee or a drink. I get up at 6, get the kids up and off to different schools. Straight into zoom, turn it off and the kids are home. Dinner, homework, cleaning, bed eventually. Up again and do it all again. Weekends are for catching up, sorting house and life stuff, kids are bickering or playing or needing something.
Eldest I can’t get her to sleep before 11. Middle one aged 8 has now started sleep refusing, needing me with her, up every hour. I used to at least get from 11-12 alone but now it’s nothing. I have work piling up I used to do at night so I’m starting to sink and am going to have to pull an all nighter on Sunday.
I’m functioning on 5hrs sleep or less every night. For weeks and weeks. Ex thinks parenting by FaceTime is enough, he’s seen them twice since March, had never paid a penny. In fact took money when he left.
I’m a social creature and need freedom, I adore them but have complex PTSD from a rape and hate to feel trapped which is exactly how I feel now, like a rat in a trap.
My “support bubble” is technically my sister but her DH won’t have my kids round so no actual support there. I was really ill a few weeks ago but just had to cope and keep going.
I’ve lost my only childcare as she has to be near her grandparents and there is no where to go anyway if she did come. I’m not allowed near my parents to help as I’m a Covid risk as the kids are in school. Sisters rules. Don’t really have many friends. None I can talk to I don’t really trust anyone now anyway with my feelings.
I just need some space. Just a night, one night when no one needs anything from me.
But there is literally nothing I can do to change any of this and I shouldn’t complain because I’m in a better position than most and my kids are generally good. But I hate that I get angry at them when I just need them to sleep or to leave me alone for a minute.
Fuck knows why I’m venting when there is literally nothing that will change and I just need to keep going. But I hate this shit and can’t see they will ever ever end this cycle of utter destruction of life until we all just “exist” which if that’s all it is, what’s the point in trying to avoid a killer virus because existence isn’t enough and I don’t want this future for the kids.
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Can’t do this much longer
21 replies
Gigheimer · 21/11/2020 00:18
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