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Are all fathers/partners like this?

(31 Posts)
carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 09:40:05

Hi guys, iv been struggling with my partner since my DD was born 21months ago, to keep it short his parenting consists of him playing xbox and she watches tv, im the opposite i rather keep her stimulated, soft plays, park everyday and when we are home i play with her ( dont get me wrong im not perfect sometimes i need a break or have to cook or clean so if she wont settle i do put some tv on )

As a partner he just sits on xbox then after hes bored or finished he asks me for sex !! He does not make any effort with my family, he goes to work, Plays xbox, baths her and does the bedtime routine which takes 45mins - 1hr but thats it i find this is the only positive contribution to our family life i get from him is that 1hr a day and money :-/

Has anybody had this experience with their partners ??

Im seriously considering/day dreaming about being a single mum atm.

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carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 09:40:56

?

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katand2kits Tue 10-Nov-20 09:42:49

No, this is not what most partners are like. He is not being a 'partner" he is simply another person for you to take care of. Most dads, even if they aren't perfect, behave like functional adults. Tell him to grow up or move out.

JaJaDingDong Tue 10-Nov-20 09:43:27

It sounds as if you might as well be a single mum! What's keeping you with him?

user115632569541 Tue 10-Nov-20 09:44:20

No, this is not normal.

DisgruntledPelican Tue 10-Nov-20 09:47:47

Is there anything positive about him? Would you like him to change, or would you prefer to leave?

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 10-Nov-20 09:49:03

Absolutely not. DH is every bit as invested in our child as I am. He cooks for her, baths and showers with her, plays tea parties, draws, takes her for walks, talks to her all the time and teaches her things. She’s mad about him. He’s funny, devoted, engaged and does his best for her. You must be devastated to see how little he thinks of her. I can’t see what he adds to either of your lives.

bez91 Tue 10-Nov-20 09:51:13

AnneLovesGilbert

Absolutely not. DH is every bit as invested in our child as I am. He cooks for her, baths and showers with her, plays tea parties, draws, takes her for walks, talks to her all the time and teaches her things. She’s mad about him. He’s funny, devoted, engaged and does his best for her. You must be devastated to see how little he thinks of her. I can’t see what he adds to either of your lives.


Absolutely agree!

MaizeBlouse Tue 10-Nov-20 09:52:25

No not nornal at all OP. He sounds useless and incredibly immature.

My DP plays with our sons all the time, engages them in activities, cooks, cleans, organises stuff and is generally present in our family dynamic. This is what should be expected of men. He also does a load of annoying stuff too sometimes, but I'm sure I do too and we both equally pull our weight for the benefit of our family unit.

Good for you for noticing and knowing that this isn't okay. He either massively steps up and changes (unlikely) or you be a sole parent, which it sounds like you are already.

BigFatLiar Tue 10-Nov-20 09:52:49

That's not right. Mumsnet partners tend to be a bit rubbish but most dads I know of like being dad. We had two girls and they were definitely daddy's girls and he loved having them with him, he had far more patience with them than me. They're married now but still daddy's girls.

justanotherneighinparadise Tue 10-Nov-20 09:53:00

I’m not going to say DP is as hands on as me as he’s knackered when he gets back from work. But he is actively engaged with them. Doesn’t sit on any games console and spends every weekend with us as a family.

CastleOfDoom Tue 10-Nov-20 09:54:08

Urgh, how old is he,16?

Atalune Tue 10-Nov-20 09:54:58

Not normal and totally unacceptable. Sounds like you’re living with a stroppy teen not an adult man.

What a turn off for one but also what a huge disappointment for you and your DD.

Shape up or shape out.

dottiedodah Tue 10-Nov-20 10:07:42

Sounds like a teenager ! Needs to shape up or ship out.

carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 10:15:38

@JaJaDingDong to be honest financial stability was a big factor but now its the getting him to move out part he isnt the type to leave i will most likely have to call the police because he will just refuse to leave ... will have to send my DD to nana’s for that night i reckon, however reading all these comments reassures me that this is the right thing to do for me and my baby

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carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 10:18:58

@justanotherneighinparadise ah see i have to NAG him to come out on a family day with us he refuses to come softplay because he dont like it but will come to the zoo , so basically picking and choosing what he finds acceptable not putting our daughter first.

This is all putting it further into perspective for me.

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Scarydinosaurs Tue 10-Nov-20 10:19:33

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Many people (male and female) struggle with the baby stage, and become more hands on with toddlers etc

Do you talk about your expectations? Are you working or home full time?

DisgruntledPelican Tue 10-Nov-20 10:19:35

Calling the police? That’s concerning. Would it be easier or safer for you & DD to leave?

carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 10:21:29

@BigFatLiar that sounds wonderful bless, i have to say i was atleast expecting 1 or 2 comments saying yes mine is the same! But its really eye opening seeing that the partners can be a bit rubbish from time to time as men can be however all of them do not let anything get in the way of connecting with their children or their fatherhood.

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carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 10:24:31

@Scarydinosaurs i cannot count how many times i have clearly and logically explained to him how i feel and how his behaviour isnt right, he bucks up a tinie bit for a couple days and then back to the same old. My workplace fired me when i told them i was pregnant ( i did take them to court and settled ) then I got a part time weekend job in a club however covid 19 has shut that down, so I am a stay at home mum till im brave enough to put my DD into nursery.

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LolaSmiles Tue 10-Nov-20 10:27:26

Absolutely not. DH is every bit as invested in our child as I am. He cooks for her, baths and showers with her, plays tea parties, draws, takes her for walks, talks to her all the time and teaches her things. She’s mad about him. He’s funny, devoted, engaged and does his best for her
Same here.

If you read lots of threads on here you could he forgiven for thinking most men opt out of family life and don't bother, but most guys I know are hands on.

carrieivie Tue 10-Nov-20 10:27:43

@DisgruntledPelican i should have been more detailed, he would never get physical or violent but he would sit down and say i am not moving, so the only way i would be able to get him out I can think of is call the police or his dad. The tenancy is mine he lives with me I never put him on the tenancy just incase things did go sour.

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Changechangychange Tue 10-Nov-20 10:28:17

DH isn’t great at getting down on the floor and playing with DS, but some of that is that he doesn’t know what to do. He isn’t interested in taking him swimming or to soft play, but he happily takes him out to the park, or to the shops, or round a gallery. He loves doing bedtime with him. He loves spending one with DS, he just doesn’t do the activities that I would do. And that is fine - he parents his way, and I parent my way.

He does park him in front of the tv more than I’d like, but he is also trying to wfh so it is an easy option to keep DS occupied while he works.

Your DP sounds horrible. It isn’t the tv, it is the whole attitude to your DD, like she is an encumbrance to be tolerated. And his attitude to you, that you are part skivvy, part human fleshlight. Yuck.

SkedaddIe Tue 10-Nov-20 10:38:54

Unfortunately this type of behaviour is very common and no it really isn't good enough. I feel for you because you quite rightly want the best for your dd. You've fought, sacrificed and lost to be a mum and you need support, especially in your own home.

This suggestion might be unpopular on mumsnet because it's not your job to 'fix him'.

But.

I would recommend that you all do things together. Even xbox. Gaming is an escape and if your partner is escaping then he isn't really engaging with family and parent life. Bringing/crashing the two worlds together sometimes helps.

evenBetter Tue 10-Nov-20 10:56:57

Tell him that he no longer resides in your property, you will do him the kindness of helping him pack, the first time he starts tantrumming, call the police. Any arguing or debate gets shut down. He’s had chance after chance, there is nothing to argue about, don’t indulge him, tears will be fake, promises to miraculously change will be lies because he thinks you’re stupid enough to believe it.
It’s disturbing that you think him being a deadbeat could be normal though, how did you come to have such low standards? Something to work on, so that your kid doesn’t accept the same as an adult.

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