Help with anger management (smacking)

[LadyCurd]

Please don’t shame me in this thread. I already feel absolutely awful. This isn’t how I want to parent. It’s not a regular occurrence at all but very occasionally my kids (especially the middle one) pushes my buttons so much -mainly screaming in my face or pushing/shoving/hitting me and before I know it I have smacked them. It’s almost a split second reaction and I feel absolutely terrible about it. Afterwards I make sure to apologise and we try to process calmly what just happened and heal the relationship but it absolutely isn’t okay. I’m much bigger and stronger than them and need to control my reactions better. I know it’s no excuse but I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and my impulse control is appalling generally. It’s like it happens in a split second so I need to work out how to not get into situations where me losing it will happen.

My parents were the same with me and I know the bewildered hurt of someone who is supposed to love you doing that. (They didn’t apologise after though). I need strategies to try and avoid this situation from happening again. It’s abusive and it’s setting them up with awful ideas about what’s acceptable in relationships. How can I teach them domestic violence is wrong and never stay in a relationship with someone who hits you when I am guilty of doing that too them? Please help.

[Findahouse21]

I think you need to approach the school or GP today and seek help. The potential for your child having ongoing emotional issues as a result of this is significant, and you also need some help on more effective behaviour techniques, as if you keep needing to smack it isn't helping. Please get help today and don't let this keep going on

[cameocat]

Hello OP. I recommend professional help with this one. You need to learn / be taught a different reaction when you get angry. Essentially you need to learn to walk / run away when that button is pushed and have some techniques (eg breathing) to bring you down to a more reasonable place. You don't want to pass this on to your children, show them that we can learn from our mistakes and do something about them.

[FortunesFave]

It's that split second that matters...that's when you need to make the decision not to hit. It's hugely self-indulgent to hit your DC when you're angry because you're doing it as a way of relieving your own tension due to their behaviour.

And of course, it doesn't...it makes you feel worse.

You have to make the decision to walk away in that precise moment RIGHT before you hit...you don't...and you turn away.

Then you do something different...whether that's locking yourself in the loo to cry a bit or breaking into song and dance. Just make the decision.

[FortunesFave]

Oh and it's not only about working out how not to get into the situation....because you cannot always control others....and they may PUT you in the situation.

It's only about your reaction to your own anger.

[RosesAndChocolates]

I think one of the most difficult things about being a parent is you have to take so much shit, you have to have the ability to be pushed to the limit and stay calm. Since having DD I have learned patience like I never thought I had, I have never hit her but I have shouted and sworn once or twice (she’s only 2). And after that happened, I told myself I had to find a way to cope and that I would never allow myself to be out of control again.

Find a way to walk away. You can’t teach your child not to hit by hitting. How old are your children? I would say hitting and screaming in your face is quite extreme behaviour so this needs to be addressed. I agree some professional help and advice would be best here- you’re human and you’ve made mistakes but you need to find a way not to let it spiral.

[AllTeaAllShade]

OP...you've already acknowledged that it's wrong, work on your emotional state at times of stress, when child is giving you a hard time take deep breaths and count to ten or back from ten, or to 50 if you have to. if thats not working, excuse yourself, walk away and deal with it later when you've had a few mins to compose yourself...if you can't manage any of those then i would suggest keep some rubber bands on your arm and snap them on yourself instead....should bring you back to the moment and the pain will be a good reminder of what you were about to do to someone else.

[LadyCurd]

Kidlet who most pushes our buttons is getting help with that. Massively struggles with emotions and is incredibly hard to parent. I’ve had counselling around this issue in the past but think I’m going to sign up again with renewed focus on it. Hasten to add we are not talking regular but a few times a year but obviously I want to get to zero. This morning I was in the shower and she wouldn’t stop screaming at me and the way the noise was echoing around the walls just got into my brain and I needed it to stop. Wasn’t space to walk away but I’m so upset and ashamed about it.
Some useful ideas on this thread thank you.

[Disappointedkoala]

You're reaching out which is an important first step. Could you contact your HV for advice? Our local children's centre offer parenting classes and support so if you're lucky enough to have one of those nearby they might have some advice too.

[Lennie16]

Hi there- being a parent is the hardest job in the world and we don’t always get it right- I would advise speaking with your health visitor- they are doing phone consultations at the moment - ask about parenting courses, they are really good at teaching(and we all need to learn) how to manage children - they are still learning how to respond and will replicate what they experience even at two yrs( shouting, getting exasperated, crying, hitting - show signs of confusion and not being able to cope/respond to everyday incidents, this is the ideal time to try to get a place on course(some have crèche) so when restrictions lift you will be able to start. Please get some help now before physical chastisement and you crying and saying sorry happens again -best wishes.