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friend making me feel like a rubbish parent

(19 Posts)
klfahah Sun 01-Nov-20 23:30:27

does anyone else have a friend who makes you feel like a rubbish parent? i mean in the way of amazing days out and activities, big extravagant kids parties, their every day is jam packed and fun filled with activities. even staying in at home there's lots of crafts and fun. "we had a fantastic day" kind of thing. I have a friend like this who makes life seem like constant fun with her kids. my kids are the same age as hers and pull their faces and moan at every activity I suggest and just want to be left to do their own thing so we rarely do any of the "amazing" activities they do and when I do do some kind of activity or day out she'll do something bigger and better and she'll tell me how amazing their day was and she'll be shoving her phone in my face showing me her fantastic photos of her kids having so much fun . this is really starting to get me down and I've started wanting to avoid her as I find it's making me feel like a rubbish parent. it's a shame as she really is a good friend and I think why cant I just be happy for her but it really does make me feel down. I try to change the subject when she's telling me about what they've been up to as id rather not know but she doesn't get the hint and is like look at this photo of us all. this friend is a big part of my life but I feel I need to try and distance myself from her because of how she makes me feel and I find I'm happier if I have a couple of weeks or so of not seeing her. has anyone else been through anything similar?? she's also financially much better off than me which helps her do more things with her kids I suppose.

OP’s posts: |
loutypips Sun 01-Nov-20 23:37:08

Usually, you'll find that parents like this are struggling the most. They fill the children's lives full of amazing activities as they don't know how else to keep them entertained. And then the kids come to expect more and more.

Noti23 Sun 01-Nov-20 23:42:09

If she’s desperate to get your approval of her ‘amazing days’ then she’s definitely covering up some emotional baggage!

HallieKnight Sun 01-Nov-20 23:42:51

Maybe if you tell her that you're struggling to have fun with your kids she would help you.

klfahah Mon 02-Nov-20 00:12:12

I have other friends in my life but none of them make me feel like this. it's such as shame as in every other way she's a really good friend who has helped me through some difficult times in my life in the past. its also got to a point that I'm being secretive about what gifts etc I'm buying for my kids as she'll buy bigger and better for hers making my kids gifts look pathetic. and she really does spoil her kids.
How can I distance myself from her without causing any upset? I do want to remain friends but at arms length. as I feel I need to do it for my own mental health as she makes me feel so down.

OP’s posts: |
dhisreadingmypostsagain Mon 02-Nov-20 00:43:03

Im guessing she doesn't realise how she's making you feel? Are you good enough friends to have the conversation?

Be a shame if she's struggling and that's her coping mechanism and she actually needs you? On the flip side she could be a pain in the bum.

But sounds like you two compliment each other, maybe you could calm her down and teach her the PJs and TV days are just as important as packed out days.

I'm what others no doubt would call a lazy parent, I can't stand the full on activity style, it doesn't suit me or the DS. But you need to be comfy with your own way of doing things, don't let your differences knock your confidence.

seayork2020 Mon 02-Nov-20 00:47:07

If a person makes actual comments about my parenting that yeah that would be rude, if they are just going on about their lives and happen to be doing different things to me and the way we live that is actually nothing to do with me so then it would be totally my issue if I had a problem with that.

If she is a genuinely nice person that in your case I would accept it was my problem not hers, I would not stop seeing a friend over this

Enough4me Mon 02-Nov-20 00:51:39

You can distance yourself by being busy, mute her posts on FB so you don't see them. Switch your focus onto what makes your DC and you happy. Mine like variety: time together no adult leading, time apart, and together time.

For the group time, start low key and for fun, no high expectations. Mine love a basic stunt kite on a windy day, flask of hot chocolate and crisps. It doesn't have to be flashy to be fun. Some days they argue and it goes downhill, but no one is happy everyday (ignore her fake photos!).

Babdoc Mon 02-Nov-20 09:32:08

I agree with noti23 - she is desperately overcompensating for something with all that competitive parenting, and there is definite insecurity or fear of being judged an inadequate parent. Ironic really, since that is how her frantic behaviour makes others (including you) feel!
OP, children need a bit of space to breathe, and they need to learn how to entertain themselves with imaginative play, not be continually led and organised by a helicopter parent.
If you are close to this woman, you could maybe gently explore why she feels like this, and give her a chance to talk about what is driving her so relentlessly.
You may be able to help her relax and be a more laid back mother, with less suffocating and spoiling of her DC. In return, she may give you some ideas for activities with your own DC, so you both reach a nice happy medium. Good luck!

rhowton Mon 02-Nov-20 09:35:07

I have a very good friend, who from now fault of her own, makes me feel not as good as her at being a mum. It's not her fault, and is completely my hang up! I often refer to my kids as arseholes to my best friends, and that's ok? But wouldn't feel like I could to this friend (even though my kids are arseholes😂)

TheYearOfSmallThings Mon 02-Nov-20 09:40:33

Usually, you'll find that parents like this are struggling the most. They fill the children's lives full of amazing activities as they don't know how else to keep them entertained. And then the kids come to expect more and more.

Not necessarily true at all.

justanotherneighinparadise Mon 02-Nov-20 09:40:42

These people exist. I just choose not to be friends with these people grin

SleepingStandingUp Mon 02-Nov-20 09:41:49

I'd assume she's over compensating

rottiemum88 Mon 02-Nov-20 09:53:47

I think this says more about you than it does about her to be honest, it doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong. Whether it's a true reflection of her life or not is irrelevant really, if you don't think she's doing it deliberately to make you feel bad, then she isn't making you feel anything, you're doing that to yourself.

baubled Mon 02-Nov-20 10:00:20

I think it's unfair that people are automatically assuming she's covering something up or is actually struggling - erm maybe she just loves doing all that stuff with her kids! (And before anyone says it no, I don't do that with mine!)

I can understand why it would be annoying and making you feel a bit rubbish but if your kids don't want to do that stuff then you're not missing out by not doing it!

Unfortunately there will always be people who do more/buy more/post on social media about it more and yes some will be using it as a coping mechanism and others will be genuine but in reality it doesn't matter. If your kids are loved, looked after and happy then that's all that matters.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 02-Nov-20 10:01:44

loutypips

Usually, you'll find that parents like this are struggling the most. They fill the children's lives full of amazing activities as they don't know how else to keep them entertained. And then the kids come to expect more and more.

Not true. I am like this - will lay on the activities because I am energetic and I enjoy making the kids happy. Sure DN (who lives with me) will moan but I know her well enough that after 10s she’ll really enjoy herself. If we all listened to our almost teenagers’ moaning all the time then kids wouldn’t make any memories!

SleepingStandingUp Mon 02-Nov-20 10:09:53

@GrumpyHoonMain I am like this
You constantly stove all your fun activities in your friends faces even when they're hunting at you to shut up but you can't take a hint? Why?

It isn't the fun filled life that makes me think she's compensating, it's the need for everyone to know she's amazing her kids are asking their life is amazing everything is amazing look at my amazing photos which prove its all amazing

Letsallscreamatthesistene Mon 02-Nov-20 11:52:52

Is she actively telling you how amazing she is? Is she making sure you know about what shes done? If the answers to these questions are yes, i'd steer clear tbh.

If the answers to those questions are no, then I think the problem is more your perception of her life in comparison to hers.

FelicityPike Mon 02-Nov-20 11:57:51

Mute her on social media for a while.
Don’t make yourself feel bad by comparing yourself to her.

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